Double Take: Jealousy At Home, Work

Jealous Girlfriends, Co-Workers Tough To Handle

UPDATED: 10:07 a.m. EST November 26, 2002

    Dear Double Take,

    My boyfriend of several months is wonderful, incredibly sweet, and treats me very well. I have only one problem with him -- the fact that he is still good friends with an ex-lover.

    Double TakeHe was with this ex for two years and lived with her, but says he left her when he realized he was not in love with her and never would be. However, he still enjoys her friendship and they talk on the phone, sometimes go out together, and she calls him for help with things, such as moving. He has introduced me to her, and is very honest with me about when he speaks with her or does things with her.

    I have told him that it bothers me that he still spends time with her, and he says he doesn't understand why I get upset because he never really had feelings for her. I trust him completely and believe that he does not want to be with her, yet it still bothers me that they spend time together. I wouldn't mind occasional phone calls, but I don't like it when he helps her with things or hangs out with her.

    We have talked about it, and he has said that if he has to choose, he would quit spending time with her and choose me because he is in love with me. But this still makes me feel bad. I love him, and don't want him to lose a friend, yet I don't trust this girl and feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation. It seems like a no-win situation, and I don't want to be unfair to him. What do you think? Do you think I am being unreasonable?

ALANA SAYS:

Are you being unreasonable? In a word, yes.

If you trust him completely, as you say you do, you should trust him to remain faithful to you. And I'm not talking just about the ex. What if he developed other close female friends? Would you fight against them, too?

It shouldn't matter whether you trust his ex. If the guy has given you no reason to doubt his faithfulness, don't make up reasons.

That doesn't mean that jealousy is just going to go away. It simply means that you have to acknowledge that you're asking too much -- and just shut up about it. Be the big person here and rise above the petty jealousy. After all, your man dumped this girl. She's the one who should be jealous of you.

Unless he's spending more time with her more than he is with you, you have nothing to worry about. When he says he's going to hang out with this girl, tell yourself that she's just another one of his friends -- and then ignore those jealous feelings as best you can.

Another strategy to become more comfortable with the situation is to get to know the girl. If your boyfriend deems her worthy of friendship, you may as well. Besides, if you're there when they are hanging out together, your imagination won't have any fodder to feed your jealousy.

EDDIE SAYS:

You lied to us.

"I trust him completely," you said. No, you don't. If you did, this wouldn't even be an issue for you. Saying you don't trust the other woman is just deflecting the truth because you don't want to be a jealous person, but you are.

She's not a big, brutish, freakishly strong woman is she? Then I'm sure if your boyfriend wants to be faithful, he could fight her off if he had to. He even went further then he should have, and offered to break off contact with her.

Anytime someone offers to do that in an innocent situation, it means the other person is being controlling. If you want to have a relationship where your man feels like he's loved and trusted, then you need to learn how to control this insecurity.

    Dear Double Take,

    I've been at my job for about two years, and I also work part time at two other jobs and go to school full time.

    I recently put in for a promotion. I tried for this position earlier this year, but was told I needed more experience. So I busted my butt and worked very hard. I asked to be shown additional things. The position came open again, and again I applied for it. This time I was told that I was already being considered. I was told that I came a long way with my work and abilities.

    The week that I started to work with some of the aspects of the new position, I was told I still had to do my own work. As I was being trained, I was told that I was handling things well. Even the girl I was replacing -- who was training me -- said things were going well. She stated that she would write me out detailed instructions on everything.

    On Thursday of that week, I still had no written instructions, and I asked about the instructions and she said she was still writing them out. On Friday, she told me that another girl would be taking care of it, and she was not to train me any more. I was floored.

    My supervisor then told me they were going to go outside the company to place someone in that position. When I asked why, I was told that co-workers stated that I was cold, upset and angry throughout the week and that all I was looking for was compensation for extra work I was doing.

    I never asked for compensation, and I only work with one other girl in my department. She was very upset when she found out I was applying for the position. I started to tell her how things were going and that I hope I can prove myself enough to get the position and possibly a raise. When she heard that, she blew up in my face and said, "You asked for this, you wanted this, deal with it."

    She scared me with her yelling, and so for the rest of the week I left her alone. After the meeting with my supervisor, I was devastated. It took everything I had in me not to bawl my eyes out in front of my supervisor. I feel betrayed and very hurt. I don't know if I should stay or go.

EDDIE SAYS:

Well, I'm glad you called that girl you work with a co-worker and not a friend. Because it doesn't sound like she is. Though she would be a good ally, since there's evidence that she has the ear of your bosses.

If it hadn't been for the direct statement of your boss, I'd assume you were just laying blame for a business decision on a rival of sorts in the office. Amazing that you got that much honesty from your employer.

From what you've allowed into your schedule, I'm sure that you can't just quit outright, probably because of money. I don't know that I could stay someplace where I had been offered something the had it pulled out from under me at the last minute. That would be a serious blow to my pride.

Unless there's something you really like or need about your position, I'd say it's time to start talking to your other employers about bumping up your hours with them. All is not lost: You could try saying to your boss, "Hey, I've had a good run here, and learned a lot from you and others. But I think it's time for me to focus on some other areas."

You can leave a bad situation without burning the bridges behind you, and without letting your justifiable bitterness or anger show through.

ALANA SAYS:

Ain't work grand? You work hard to go for a new position, but some misunderstanding blows it all to bits.

I agree with Eddie in that your employer's honesty is commendable. But when you were told about your supposed behavior, did you defend yourself? Did you explain the to-do with your co-worker?

This is a pickle, to be sure. I really see no way you can continue on in your current job with your current co-worker and keep your sanity intact. And you have enough other things going on in your life that you don't need that kind of stress.

And although you got screwed, you need to refrain from, as my mother used to say, letting your feelings "hang out." Put on a smile for both your co-worker and your employer -- it will show them that you're grown up enough to deal with this, unjustified as it may be.

But as soon as you walk out of the office, keep your eyes peeled for other job opportunities and polish up your resume. If you keep a good attitude in the office, perhaps your employer can tell a potential new employer about your high level of professionalism.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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