Double Take: Cutting The Cord

It's Hard To Say Goodbye, Even When You Know Better

UPDATED: 9:21 a.m. EST December 10, 2002

    Dear Double Take,

    I am trying to break up with my boyfriend. I say "trying" because I just can't seem to do it, and this has been going on for months! He has no idea. We still get along great ... in fact, we never fight, I adore him, and he has no desire to break up with me.

    Double TakeThe reason for the breakup is just that he doesn't want to get married, and I need something long term. The problem is, we've formed a strong emotional connection, and I have become so accustomed to having him around -- never a lonely night, always someone to call, he's my best friend -- that I just can't do it. He's happy to go along with this, as he enjoys the same benefits.

    The only way I'll be able to make the break is if I have another man "waiting in the wings." Otherwise I'll be so traumatized that we'll be back together in a split second, which really isn't a good thing, since we both know this is a dead-end relationship. But we have been exclusive for two years, and if he learned I'd gone out with another guy (testing the waters) he'd end it and I would be alone anyway. Someone suggested Internet dating would be a way to get back into circulation and find someone I'd like enough to replace my current guy, but trolling the Internet for another man while still involved with one, and even just meeting for coffee does feel like cheating, even though my boyfriend's already told me we're not forever.

    I am attractive and can certainly find "dates," but I need a relationship. Plus, I fear how a breakup will impact my work and my children.

    I have been trying to set up a network of activities and friends to go out with, but everyone's coupled and unavailable. I know you're going to tell me to just do it ... walk away, break up, I should be strong enough to be alone for a while. I know I need to move on, but this emotional bond is tough to break. I've always prided myself on being so independent; I don't know why can't I just cut the cord this time.

EDDIE SAYS:

This is the most frustrating letter we've ever gotten, I think.

Focus on the big picture of what you want in life -- check.
Find friends to comfort you through the inevitable emotional disturbance -- check.
Just do a gut check, have the big talk,and get out of there -- check.

You've put me into a tight corner here, what with knowing what I was going to say already.

But I can't be too bothered, because you sound much more in control than most of the folks who write in. You know what you want, and know how to get it, you just need reassurance. Well, you officially have it. Find a time, have a talk, cry a lot and move on. That's all you can do.

Maybe, with some time to cope with things, each of you will be able to handle a friendship. But don't worry about that for at least several months, when you know you can handle life without him (and you can).

Since you don't need my guidance on the breakup itself, let me say this: Don't use another man as a cop out. It's not fair to your boyfriend, it's not fair to the poor schlub would be a prop in your little act, and it's not fair to you. Be accountable on this one.

You could hide your true reasons for finding others from him, from your friends, from your ex, and certainly from Alana and I... but you couldn't hide it from yourself. Don't make your own low-down behavior part of what you're feeling after the split.

ALANA SAYS:

Yeah, you've definitely covered all the bases in the reasons for breaking up. You're right on track -- now you just have to take the plunge.

Cutting out such a huge part of your life is far from easy, and you're right -- it would be really easy to slip right back into your comfort zone with him. But listen to the little voice in the back of your head that's chiding you for still being with him.

Sure, the breakup will definitely leave an impact on you and your children. But it will leave an impact no matter when you do it ... and the longer you wait, the more emotionally tied up you'll be.

You can ease the pain by starting something new when the breakup happens -- a cooking class, a weekly movie night with the kids or with friends, a new set of books or magazine subscription ... just something else to look forward to.

Just get out your scissors, so to speak, and snip that cord. It may not be quick, and it certainly won't be painless, but then it'll be all over ... and a new era in your life can begin.

    Dear Double Take,

    I have a complicated situation. Starting at the beginning, I met this guy about four months ago at a club. He was sweet, caring, fun and seemingly intelligent. So I decided I would move in with him for a couple weeks until my new apartment was available to move into. Well, the boyfriend lost his job, and I was stuck supporting him.

    A week after he lost his job, he wrecked his car driving drunk. I was trying to be understanding, because I have never had this type of problem, and I let him use my car to find a job. He proved to be very irresponsible and ended up hanging around with friends instead of finding a job. I was financially screwed by this point, and frustrated beyond belief. But, as love can be soooo entrapping, I still fell for him.

    I let him move in with me to my new apartment on the condition he would stop being irresponsible and he would do something with his life. He didn't, I was still supporting him unsucessfully, and he got kicked out by my roommate. He left all of his furniture at my apartment, as well.

    Now, my roommate hates him, but I still love him and want to be with him. I can't have him at my apartment because my roomate threatens to have him legally removed from the premises, and I feel helpless. I really do love him, but I just don't know what is best for me and for my environment. I don't want to give up because so many other people give up on people for stupid things, and I can't bring myself to end the relationship. How can I still have a relationship if I can never see my boyfriend? How can I move on when my boyfriend's furniture is still in my house, waiting for him to get his own place? HELP!

ALANA SAYS:

Wow, what a leech. How can you stand putting up with this guy?

You must let this creep go. He's draining you -- financially and emotionally. It's never a good sign when your roommate hates your man, and it's even worse when you also admit how irresponsible he is.

It's not like you have a long up-and-down relationship with this guy. It sounds like you've been supporting him almost as long as you've knowm him -- and I think we can all agree that's not the healthiest way to start a relationship. Trust me, he's worth giving up.

Just tell him you're watching out for your own best interests by severing ties with him ... that you're not up to the task of supporting him and keeping a relationship alive under such circumstances. As for his furniture, give him a week to move it out. He must have other friends -- he can keep his stuff at somebody else's place.

Seriously, don't sacrifice any more of your time -- or money -- on this guy. He hasn't proven that he deserves it.

EDDIE SAYS:

You don't love this guy. You were infatuated with him, and then you got entangled. There may be some attraction there, but that's not the same thing.

Breaking this thing off would not be giving up on something. There's nothing to give up on expept maybe him giving up dependence on you, which I'm sure will be hard for him, but tough luck, pal. You're not his family. You've never had reason to think you'd always be there for each other.

It's like giving up on a rattlesnake as a pet because the darn thing keeps biting you. That's his nature. You're not giving up some great opportunity by dumping him, you're showing that you're not a sucker.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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