Frantic To End This, Viewers Get Inventive

"Do you know what? I, for one, am getting tired, tired, tired of hearing what is happening to our presidential election.
"Right now, I want this settled one way or the other, PLEASE. The people are getting more bored and discusted each day! At this stage of the game, I don't care which way it goes -- I am so disappointed with the whole judicial body, candidates, you name it.
"Hello out there -- am I the only one feeling like this?"

--Dorothy K. Schmidt, Watertown, Wis.

Dan Bernard, Staff Writer, Internet Broadcasting Systems
November 30, 2000, 6:14 p.m. EST

Hello to you, Ms. Schmidt, and no, you are not the only one. Soon after the presidential election deadlocked -- what was that, three months ago? -- we asked viewers for their "Creative Suggestions For Settling The Non-Election." But the suggestions are increasing as the public gets desperate for some resolution.

We thought we had heard it all, from cage match to pocket change ("Let them flip a coin to decide who goes first: They can serve two years' each," wrote Glenn Speck of Mustang, Okla.). But John Rosengren of Lakeville, Minn., got all Aaron Burr on us:

"The best way to resolve this non-election is to have Bush and Gore conduct a duel."

Relax: John is not as bloodthirsty as you think. He continued:

"Their seconds would be their running mates, and their weapons would be full-size dictionaries.
"They would begin the duel at dawn, holding the dictionaries in the air. They would begin back-to-back, pace off 10 steps, turn and run full speed at each other while swinging the dictionaries.
"The first one to knock the other off his feet would win (those who live by the word would die ... metaphorically.)
"In this way, all the rhetoric, lies and deception would be contained in the dictionaries, and it wouldn't take days or weeks to say or be listened to."

"Contained in the dictionaries." Huh. I didn't quite get that. But one can at least say that, if the candidates are pitted against each other in physical confrontations, at least we'll know clearly who th winner is.

Maybe. Dudley Burton of McCloud, Okla. warns:

"If they were to use grenade launchers at ten paces, Gore would want a recount!"

Next!

If neither Bush nor Gore can demand the Oval Office because neither could inspire passion in the public, let's fill the office with people who have inspired a following. That's the suggesiton from Joyce Stephens of Boston:

"I think we should have John McCain and Bill Bradley as co-presidents. They could each be president every other year. Colin Powell could be secretary of defense or state. Ralph Nader could be put in charge of the environment. Past Presidents Ford, Carter, Bush and Clinton should all get Cabinet posts. By the way, do you know if it is possible to get political asylum in Ireland based on the mess we have here?"

William Monohon of Oregon City, Ore. is willing to rearrange the stars on the flag if it will bring closure:

"I figure if we could pull off the Panama Canal, then we could dredge around Florida and give them to Castro.
"In my eyes it is now 'Northern Cuba,' and they can do what they darn well please -- they obviously have been. Let them enjoy their place in the third world countries and their voting process. I have had my fill with the lot!
"Cuba can use the infusion of taxes and we would be rid of the whole state! I have started my boycott of 'Northern Cuba' orange juice!"

Cute, Bill. But easy with that Third World crack. You may not realize it from up in lumber country, but South Florida has malls so elegant, they make the Taj Mahal look like a flophouse.

If you and your flannel-shirted Pacific Northwest pals were ever to come face to face with the tanned and Versace-covered beautiful people of the Palm Tree Land, you might not feel so self-assured in telling them their culture was the underdeveloped one. I don't think they'd appreciate being compared to a banana republic, Mr. Monohon. Ah! Here's an e-mail from a Floridian, Stephen C. Zakrzewski of Tampa:

"The process has been 'Stalinized' down here ... The Florida Supreme Court disregarded state election laws by granting additional time, and a local Miami judge ignored common sense when he allowed canvassers to pick and chose their own criteria. We are now the Banana Republic of Florida, I am ashamed of what the liberal judges and liberal Democrats have done to our state."

Oh! Never mind, Mr. Monohon, go right ahead and call them a banana republic.

The shame that Stephen feels toward his state's judges and Democrats seems to be going around. Says Phyllis Sherman Raschke of Sylmar, Calif.: "The spoilsport behavior exhibited by Gore would never be tolerated in the sports that I have played. Gore should be ashamed of his crybaby unsportmanship and his complete lack of any grace. I would be ashamed to be a member of the Democratic Party with which Gore seems to represent."

What Choice?

How could it happen that these two guys could split the nation's votes evenly in half? On Nov. 10, back when the non-election was still novel, this column observed that Bush and Gore had come out dead even because they had presented themselves as interchangable. If I may quote myself, "Could it be that the two major parties, after just a few years of circling each other, each co-opting the other's centrist appeals, have each attained the state of the art in producing the perfect generic political candidate?" (Wait -- do you have to use quotation marks when you're quoting yourself?)

Anyway ... I meant the two major parties tied betcause they had converged in the center. Wayne Grabert of Chatsworth, Calif. sees this as just a continuation of the two parties' gridlock, and he thinks the paralysis creates an opening for another party -- in the center:

"If ever there were a time when a new, third party had an opportunity to gradually make in-roads and replace one of the two dominant parties in America, now is the time. Consider the following.

• "Gore disgraced himself and damaged the credibility of his party by his brazen attempt to skew the Florida results by requesting recounts in only four counties dominated by Democrats.
• "Republicans have illegitimatized themselves by their hatred that culminated (thus far) in an unwarranted impeachment of the president.
• "G.W. Bush, if he becomes president, will be bitter and partisan because of the election dispute and, rather than reining in his party's hatred, will indulge his party's antipathy. Things are going to get worse.

"A successful new party would have to be centrist enough to attract 'Reagan Democrats' and those moderate Republicans turned off by their party's indulgence of the religious right. It would be fiscally conservative and socially liberal. It would probably supplant the Democrats rather than the Republicans in the long run. It would follow a strategy of first legitimizing itself by winning some local elections and a few congressional seats.
"Does this sound farfetched? You may be willing to reconsider that in a couple of years."

Hm ... fiscally conservative, socially liberal, catering to Reagan Democrats ... sounds a lot like the Democratic Party that Bill Clinton has been wearing around for eight years, Wayne. As for a third party in the middle, that was what the Reform Party was supposed to be before it turned into a mental ward full of gibbering sociopaths (no offense intended).

No, I would say this election offers very little hope to minor-party proponents. Ralph Nader couldn't rise about the 2 to 3 percent he'd gotten since entering the race. Pat Buchanan had zero impact on the race despite $12.5 million in federal campaign funds. They didn't attain their own stated goals of solidifying their minor parties. The only reason we're still talking about them is that they both took votes from Gore -- by accident, in Buchanan's case. That is, they were just spoilers. Bummer.

Why, when presented with A and B, did America choose neither? Perhaps, like Fred Campbell of Garnett, Kans., they remembered the saying from the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" books: "No one who wants to become president should ever be allowed to."

Right. Bush was certified as Florida's winner. "Certifed," get it? Like "certified" crazy. Was that funny?

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

This message came in from Robert Flowers of Minneapolis:

"I think Al Gore is handling the situation well. I would back him in anyway I can. I think he is outnumbered in Florida. The people of Minnesota will stand by you, Vice President Gore; Governor Bush is scared to count all the votes. He knows you won. Every vote does count."

Mr. Flowers: Your feelings are clearly heartfelt, but I will only respond to e-mails that I can make jokes about. Let me see here: " ... he is outnumbered in Florida ..." ... uh-huh ... "the people of Minnesota will stand by you" -- OK, let me give it a try: What are you suggesting, Mr. Flowers, that people from Minnesota will get on their snowmobiles and ride en masse down to Florida to kick some well-tanned butt?

Nah, that wasn't that funny. Sorry, Mr. Flowers, I will not respond to your e-mail; I am not responding to it now. To quote Bob Dole from the 1996 election praising himself for not mudslinging: "Haven't brought up Whitewater, not bringing it up now."

Fan Mail

I just opened this nice e-mail from John Terrill of Covina, Calif.:

"I guess you are trying to be funny. Keep trying; practice makes perfect. In about 40 years, you could be passable. Then again maybe not. Oh, well."

Hey ... you ... shut up, stupid!

Maybe I'm not funny, but at least I can spell Nader. Can you, Mr. Terrill? Let's read the rest of your e-mail:

"I voted for Nadir, and you are right I wouldn't have voted for Bush if he had had a NRA-approved gun pointed at my head. I did think about voting for what's-his-name the admiral's son ... But Nadir didn't take my vote from the weasel either. I wouldn't have voted for fat Willie's shadow for all the aides in congress (that's aides with an E). My vote belongs to me, not to some overfunded, wooden-headed, sixty-second sound bite boob. If Albert needed my vote to win, then he was SOL, because he and his party have done nothing to earn it, and if it cost them the election, good."

That's Nader with an e, pal -- unless you were trying to be funny?

OK, now, no more sourpusses. This is supposed to be a humor column. I really need everyone's support to keep the mood light. Here's an e-mail from O.H. Bruns of Houston:

"I don't find anything humorous with the election for the president and all the other offices. I have a very serious hang-up with any election officials, judges or anyone else to put people in the position of trying to read the mind of the voter. If the machine could not count the vote because the 'chad' was hanging ... "

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Unless you're hostile like that last guy, e-mail your thoughts and questions about the suspended-animation election to dan@.com. Include your full name, city and state, and he'll reply to some of them in this column.

We still want your votes on who you think are the winners and losers of the recount battle: Click here to see our picks.

If you can't wait to vent, submit a posting to our online forums on Indecision 2000 in the Hot-Button Issues room: Click here.