Double Take: Shy Guy Catches Actress' Eye

How Much Sacrifice Does Politeness Require?

UPDATED: 9:56 a.m. EST December 24, 2002

    Dear Double Take,

    I'm one of those 'late-bloomers' (40) who didn't have any positive dating experiences while in high school or long afterwards, so I'm trying to decode my own radar. So, here's a story .. of a lovely lady, who is busy trying to catch a lovely man ... The lad in question is 38, apparently single, and over the last few weeks has thorougly mixed me up.

    Double TakeWe were in a play together, and until about three weeks ago (the last couple of performances), he barely acknowledged my presence other than to occasionally wisecrack, or politely say 'hi' in response to my own greeting. In short, dudsville.

    On said last day of play, Mr. Silent does a little coming out of his shell, paying attention to even dumb stuff that I do, heckling me (do you want to trim your nose hairs?), and shoving my feet aside so he could share a sofa I was lying on ... and just giving me that sense of being focused on, yet still understated -- so it wouldn't be a rumor mill. At the cast party that night, he reverted to passivity.

    Nice thing. I found out he's stage manager of the play I just got a part in. So, to avoid being reduced to 'hi' in passing again, I asked if I could help paint the set (he's very willing to tell people I'm very good in the artistic department), hoping it will allow us to connect more naturally.

    It's a while before the set is started, so in the meantime I'm at rehearsals and he's there doing his own thing, hovering as it were. I need a way to tell him I'm fond of him, without causing either of us awkwardness. IDEA!!! I drew a cartoon illustrating a few things we had cackled about on that last day of the previous play. He didn't exactly bellow for the neighbors' benefit, but rather a wheezy, stifled giggle/chuckle/chortle is what I earned for my effort. Most definitely a sincere reaction, if odd. Then he put it in his books.

    I don't want to do the asking. The cartoon was a little present for him so he'd know I like him ... do I have to hit him harder? It's not "safe," at this point, to be discussing dates. There are too many people who would get in our faces about it.

    Then, of course, there's the possibility that he's not interested and he has no intention of dating me now or ever. Yes, that would sting, but how can I tell the difference between a shy, cautious guy who wants to form a friendship first, from a guy who likes the attention but doesn't feel the same way?

ALANA SAYS:

Ah, the beginnings of a romance, subtly taking shape. However, it's that "subtle" part that makes you uneasy, isn't it?

Given that this slow development pace is obviously driving you nuts, you've done a good job so far at taking it easy and not pushing this shy guy into something he hasn't quite decided he wants for sure yet.

As far as "hitting him harder" over the head with the fact you're interested, don't worry about that -- especially if you're not to the point of discussing dates yet. However, with his shyness, you may end up having to do the asking eventually (say, at the cast party after the play is over), or this promising little relationship bud will wither up with the end of your play.

Some guys just need a gentle push. Just ask my current boyfriend -- if I hadn't been the one pushing, we'd be no more closer to a relationship now than when we met. I knew he was interested (just like you know your guy is), and I wasn't going to let him get away with doing nothing. So I started inching my way into his life.

However, as you start to do the same, be very aware for signs that he's getting freaked out. I've done this before, and some guys realize their intrigue doesn't hold up when faced with the reality of a potential girlfriend. So don't be too upset if he dives back into his shell; his mixed signals are simply part of his personality, and they're something he has to figure out.

If he does back off when you suggest something, keep the friendship going, but stop asking. It could be that he's just not ready to take that step in light of the public eye you folks are placed under by your castmates -- or maybe he's not interested after all. In any case, the ball will be in his court, and it will be time for you to take a look at the other guys in the show.

EDDIE SAYS:

I did some drama way back when. And one thing we always talked about was how important it is to set a scene right and the need to keep a story dynamic to keep the action moving forward.

What you two need is a change of venue, a new tableau.

That is: Get out of the theater. Get away from the audience of your fellow cast- and crew-members so that the two of you can see what else you have in common.

Don't make a big production out of giving him your best line. Just ask casually. We know you're both interested in theater, so maybe there's another show in town you can get tickets for, and ask if he'd like to join you. You know, just to check out what others are doing.

It's easy, it makes sense for you, and it can raise the curtain on the next act of your relationship.

    Dear Double Take,

    I have been dating a guy for two-and-a-half years now. We have had our share of problems but have always worked them out, and we haven't broken up.

    My big problem, though, is that we always get into fights whenever his sister invites us over. I have allergies and asthma. She is a heavy smoker and has no consideration for nonsmokers or my asthma. She also has a long-haired dog that gets hair everywhere. I have asked her before to put her dog outdoors or in her bedroom, but half the time it doesn't register or she lets him back in the house after a little while.

    Lately, I have been avoiding going over to her house because of this. My boyfriend has noticed this and thinks that I am being rude and inconsiderate, and we end up fighting about it the day before we go over there. I have tried to get her to just hang out with us around town or go out to eat, but whenever we hang out with her, she invites us back to her house.

    We can't invite over because we both still live with our parents and she can't smoke at either one of their houses. I am tired of fighting about it, but I can't come up with a solution that will work. Do you have any ideas?

EDDIE SAYS:

Yes, I have an idea. Don't go over there, and don't fight about it.

Sometime -- preferably not right before or after you go over there -- tell your boyfriend that you've been thinking about it, and while you like hanging out with his sister, it's just too painful, physically painful, for you to go to her place.

Let him know he can go whenever he wants, though you would prefer for him to arrange group activities somewhere else, so you can still spend time with both of them. And if she notices the change and asks about it, be just as direct with her.

And this isn't a big, "If he doesn't love you enough to stand up to his sister, then he's not good enough for you girlfriend!" issue. He can't change her behavior, he can't cure your illnesses, so he'll just have to adjust to a change in the routine.

ALANA SAYS:

Ditto. Politeness doesn't require you to put your health at risk, and your boyfriend should understand that.

But be careful not to attack his sister when you tell him you won't be going to that house again. Be sure you're clear that it's your allergies and asthma at fault, not his sister (even though you may think -- justifiably so -- that her lack of consideration is unnerving).

Perhaps you could suggest a weekly (or biweekly) outing. For instance, you could try out a different restaurant each time, or rotate between your favorites. Say it's a nice treat for all of you, without putting the hosting burden on your boyfriend's sister. And make sure it's a weeknight, so you can politely refuse her offer to stop over afterward.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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