Double Take: Repairing Relationship Takes Two

If There's A Will, There's Hope

UPDATED: 9:28 a.m. EST January 7, 2003

    Dear Double Take,

    I just turned 27 and have been married a little more than six years. My husband, who just turned 29, is a wonderful person. He has gone above and beyond the call of duty to make me happy. The problem is I am no longer attracted to him and have not been for a very long time ... We are talking some four years now.

    Double TakeWe started dating when I was 18, and there were several events that led to us getting together. At that time, I felt as if I owed him so much because he stood by me through thick and thin when everyone else turned their back on me, and I honestly was in love with him.

    I love him to death now and do not want to hurt him in any way, but at the same time, I do not want to waste my life away always wishing and wanting something (someONE) else. There is no one else at this point, but I am finding it harder and harder to even be intimate with him because there is absolutely no physical attraction there.

    I told him how I felt about three years ago and it was horrible. It was very emotional, and I felt terrible because I was causing him so much pain. He promised he would give me some time to be by myself and see where we would go from there. But I know and he knows exactly where and it is -- not back home. So, he has avoided the issue and has gone even further to make it work.

    Am I selfish for wanting to leave? Should I just grin and bear it because ultimately he is a great husband?

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds like you don't need advice from us -- because you've already made up your mind. You're not happy in your marriage, and you've given up on it.

You feel like you're "wasting your life away" and that you'd have to "grin and bear it" to remain in a marriage with this guy, to whom six short years ago you promised to remain faithful forever. But, again, you've made up your mind. There's no use torturing your husband anymore. If he's as great and is trying as hard as you say he is, then he knows just how unhappy you are. Every day with you just reminds him of the fact that your mind and emotions are elsewhere, even if your body isn't.

I would love to offer you hope -- to say you should seek couples counseling, dig deeply into what made the change into your feelings, even count the ways your husband is still attractive -- but if you're not willing to give it a shot, there really is no hope.

EDDIE SAYS:

Wow. Normally I get to be the voice of doom and gloom.

Alana's probably right that you're so far gone that all that remains is an end game (and what are sure to be several months of late-night calls from him begging you to tell him what he did wrong).

And if you've read this column or any others like it, or magazines, or watch TV, you know that it could be pretty easy for you to end up with a guy who treats you like dirt, doesn't want to work to make you happy, etc. etc. So I'd suggest fighting like a wildcat to find a way to want him.

You, unlike most folks in a troubled relationship, still seem to be able to see all the good things that your husband provides for you. Most folks at the bitter end just have to find a reason every day not to stab their erstwhile partner with a pen. You don't have that exciting spark, but maybe that's not a reason to end the relationship, maybe it's just the maturing of it.

So, I see one last chance. Find some good counseling for a few months. And I mean for you, not for you as a couple, because this doesn't seem to be an interpersonal breakdown. Maybe you just need a fresh perspective on what you have.

It might turn out that you really can't be happy with him long term, but before you dump something healthy, you need to give it a thorough, professional examination.

    Dear Double Take,

    My wife and I started dating each other four years ago. We were friends before that, and after spending hours each night talking on the phone, we decided to start seeing each other. Things were perfect, she was everything I had dreamed. We got engaged and then married nine months later. She got pregnant, and things soon changed.

    And I'm not talking about the standard "we were not ready" changes -- more extreme. My job moved me away from her family, first just an hour away, later more than 1,000 miles. As time went on, our relationship got worse and worse. She missed her family, we didn't have any friends in this new state, and then I was laid off from my job.

    We always fought about her leaving because she wasn't happy and wanted to go back home. Instead of working on things together, we seem to use a passive-aggressive way to get back at each other. We always got to a point where someone couldn't take it anymore and demanded a change or they would leave. We would spend a few days apart and then agree to work things out. These never lasted more than a week, and we would be back doing things again. A few months ago, I realized that I was doing things the wrong way. I began reading everything I could to help our problems.

    No matter what I tried, things never got better. A month ago she told me she had no desire to be in our marriage and had no feelings for me. So I tried to get her to just give it a chance and I tried so very hard to make things as good as possible. But it was too little, too late. She had not had the will to work on things and that is why they always failed. She left a week ago with our child. It has been the most devastating thing, I've lost more than 35 pounds and haven't eaten. I cannot get more then an hour of sleep at a time and miss her so much.

    At the same time, I'm trying to cope with being out of money, losing the house, and without a job. To make matters worse, she called the day she got home. She said she missed me so much, and couldn't stop thinking about me. We didn't have much time to talk, and afterward I was confused. Now this week has come and gone with nothing. I do not know if she again changed her mind and is now happy she is there or something else.

    What should I do? Do I need to try and move on with what little life I have left, or do I just wait and see if she ever calls? If it is to be over, I somehow need to find closure, and if not I need to know what I can do to get things working in the right direction.

EDDIE SAYS:

You lost 35 pounds in one week? That's gotta be a record for depression.

That sort of statement makes me think that perhaps you're a little bit out of your head right now -- which is normal. You're going through about as rough a situation as can be imagined, with no job and your wife and kid gone.

But before you do anything else, you need to take a deep breath and remember that whether or not she comes back, you'll eventually get through it.

Whether or not you and she are destined to reconcile, you can choose to move back to where she is and at least stay involved with your child. That also gives you the best chance of getting back together with her, should she be interested.

But from everything you've said, after years of problems, I doubt either of you really has the will to make it work, or even remember what it was that got you started in the first place. So make a big change in your life -- what better time than now, when you have nothing to lose? Be there for your kid, and make something new happen for yourself.

ALANA SAYS:

I must commend your honest effort to try your hardest to make your marriage work -- but it's not entirely up to you. Your wife is likely going through some serious adjustment as well, being back with her family, caring for your child, but missing you.

I agree with Eddie -- no matter what your wife decides, you need to do your best to stay involved with your child. What's preventing you from moving back? Perhaps if your wife feels like she "has it all" within her grasp again -- you, her family, and her friends -- she would feel differently about your marriage. But even if she doesn't, don't make the move for her. She's declared that she has no interest in your marriage, so any move you decide to make would be for you -- and your child.

If your wife does have a change of heart, she'll find you -- wherever you are. But leave her alone and let her think it all through. You've done all you can for now.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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