Double Take: Awaiting The Proposal

These Women Wonder If Their Guys Will Ever Pop The Question

UPDATED: 8:59 a.m. EST January 21, 2003

This week, we hear from three women who are wondering why their boyfriends haven't proposed yet.

    Dear Double Take,

    Help! I have been with my boyfriend for a little over three years. He's 25 and I'm 22. We've been living together for the last two and a half years continuously.

    Double TakeMy problem is, he's afraid to move on to the next step. We have talked about getting married and at one point he even said he was going to propose to me, but I ruined it when I told him I had a dream about him proposing to me. (He wants it to be a surprise.)

    Everyone I talk to tells me one of two things -- either, "Move on with your life. If he doesn't know by now, he will never know," or, "Don't pressure a man into marrying you; it will only make the marriage hard."

    I would NEVER pressure a man to marry me, but I need to know if I am in a relationship that is going somewhere and is on the same track as me. People tell me if I really love him and it's meant to be, then love can wait. I think that is baloney. The way I see it, if I can't be happy with myself (and I'm not, because I feel I am in a dead-end relationship), then I can't be happy in a relationship. Does that make sense?

    I have thought about giving him a deadline, but feel I would be pressuring him in a way. I'm afraid of being lonely, so I don't want to leave him, but I know that's the wrong way to look at it. Within the last few weeks, I have been asked out on a date by two different people, and it gets me wondering. I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but wonder if our relationship is going somewhere, and if it's not, then maybe we need to go our separate ways.

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    Dear Double Take,

    I am 26 years old and I've been with the same guy for about nine to 10 years, and he has not yet even tried to commit to me. We have two kids together, and I really want a secure family and to bring my kids up in a good environment with him -- but he says he'll never get married.

    I don't know what else there is to do. I've tried to talk to him about it, but the subject seems to change immediately. Should I stay or move on? I'm scared -- my whole world is all about him. What should I do? Our home front isn't as great as I want it to be. But how can I get him to see my point of view? I love him and want to stay with him, but then again, I want someone to love me for me and want to share their life with me for all the years to come.

    Skip To Answer

    Dear Double Take,

    I am currently living with my boyfriend of three years. We've been living together for a little over a year. Before we moved in together, I was very clear to him that I wanted to be married someday (in general, not necessarily to him) and that I would think that if we were still happy after about a year of living together, then we should think about getting engaged.

    Well, that was a year and two months ago. We've had many talks about marriage, all of which are initiated by me. In our last conversation, he told me that he's very confused -- that he feels that he should be more settled in his career before he makes a commitment to me. He also said that he is scared of getting married because he doesn't ever want to get divorced. Then he said, on the other hand, that his time with me has been the best time in his life and that he doesn't want to lose that.

    This has been going on for months now. I don't know what to do. I'm 36 years old and I want to have children someday, so I don't have time to wait much longer. I need to move on with my life if he won't commit. However, I love him very much and love our life together, so it's difficult for me to give that up.

    I'm thinking lately that I might need to tell him that I need some space and ask him to stay with family or friends for a while. I think that's the only thing that will get him to really think about what his life will be like without me. Otherwise, I think he'd be happy going for months and months just living together with no commitment for a future.

    So what should I do? Hang in there and give him more time? Or ask him to leave and hope he comes back -- and if he doesn't come back, then that's what was meant to be anyway? Do you think he is capable of marriage? Just scared?

ALANA SAYS:

So, it really is all about the proposal, then? To read these letters -- and many others like them that we receive -- men would think that all women want is to get married.

Now, ladies, I know I'm making a snap judgment there. We all know that the ring isn't the most important thing -- is it? What about those day-to-day moments? Don't forget how nice it is to cuddle up on the couch together ... to have him give you a hug after a hard day or offer to rub your feet. All three of you have had that sort of intimacy for quite a while. And, sure, it might ease your mind to know that your man commits to you forever, but really, in your day-to-day life, what will change when you have that ring on your finger?

Now, in at least two of the three cases above, I have no doubt that the ring is coming. This kind of commitment is a huge deal; you should be glad that the guys in question want to take the time to really think it through and not do it just to make you happy. It's coming -- they just need a little time to get comfortable with the idea.

However, the writer of letter No. 2 is in more of a pickle. Her guy says he's never getting married ... and, really, if you knew that and still have had two children with him, he really has no incentive to reconsider now. You knew what was going on when you went into this relationship. And again, he's been around for 10 years. He's not going anywhere, is he? What difference would a piece of paper make?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a firm advocate of marriage -- as most women are, I suspect. But when you really think about it, what's the difference between your relationship now and your relationship after you get married? If you and your partner are close enough to be thinking about marriage, you're close enough to know that you belong together, whether or not you formalize it.

And, ladies, it must be said: If your dating relationship is in the toilet, marriage isn't going to fix anything. Any troubles in your dating life will still be there when you're married, unless you fix them beforehand.

So work on the problems and don't rush into the wedding vows. Remember, it's the relationship that's important here, not the ring.

EDDIE SAYS:

Marriage is a tricky thing. For a lot of the reasons Alana mentioned, it shouldn't matter that much. But it does make a difference, for intangible reasons related to how it feels to really promise your life to someone, as well has how others view your relationship.

It's just the grown-up thing to do, is part of it.

So it is a big deal. And big deals are scary. So while I'd never, ever advocate tricking or forcing a guy (or a woman, for that matter) into marriage, sometimes men need to be told that it's time to get married, and that we're ready for that step. Just drag us into it, and we'll adjust accordingly.

Think of a snap, like on your clothing. A snap is perfectly comfortable resting apart, or together. Either way, it can handle it. But to get it locked together harmoniously requires a bit of effort. It's generally quick and painless, and everyone's happy afterward, but there's that moment of getting past the threshold that makes all the difference in the world.

That's for those of you who have been together a few years, and are getting to where you need a decision one way or the other. If you make it clear that it's time to get clicking, and he won't, then you need to figure out if being married to someone or being with him as it is means more to you, and take action that matches that decision.

If you're with a guy for nine years, and have two children and are still looking for commitment, I'm not quite sure what to tell you. Either he already is committed, and standing up in front of your friends and family won't make that better or worse, or he's not and never will be. I'd say your pattern is pretty well set. If you don't like that, change it.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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