The Internet Mocks The Election Debacle

As we linger in this uncanny season of death, watching the buzzards feast at the carcass of this doomed presidential contest, many have become weary of the battle.

Yet a majority of the population -- and we monthlong-sleep-deprived journalists -- continue to gorge on the meat of this rotting creature, because there is still actual substance to the story. It's not about celebrity criminals, murder, sex or even war, yet it is the news story of the century.

I have searched the Web for comic relief on this topic ever since the polls closed. Apart from a few new Internet proposals for a new Florida ballot and the ever-present partisan parodies now circulating on the 'Net, there was not much.

Then I found a fine little Web site operated by "The Modern Humorist."

These Guys Are Pros

The humorist site is a daily dose of comedy and satire, brought to us by the likes of a crew that has generated content for TV shows such as "The Simpsons," "Saturday Night Live," "The Late Show with David Letterman," "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," "The Upright Citizens Brigade" and "Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher," as well as periodicals including The Onion, McSweeney's, Spy magazine, Harper's magazine, The Washington Post, Playboy and Suck.

Their folly and mockery is launched at both sides of this outlandish charade of an election.

The much-maligned Katherine Harris: So, she was a cheerleader for the Bush campaign and a close ally of brother Jeb. What are cronies for? In all fairness, all she has actually done is abide by the law put down by the state if Florida to certify a winner. What was she supposed to do, declare the guy with fewer votes the winner? Sign your name to this page and let her know what you think.

Waiting For The Movie?

Assuming that Hollywood's wisest sages aren't in France by the time you read this, check out the planned script treatments of Election 2000.

Finally, a glimpse into what may really have happened, for those of you who want to know too much: The magic ballot theory page provides some conspiratorial insight into what some of us already suspected.

Is This A Laughing Matter?

Tooling around the Web, one will invariably find a like-minded point of view -- whatever that may be.

The story is still moving so fast that the wire is buckling under the tension. Dick Cheney isn't the only one who feels like he's about to have another heart attack.

Yet we're still trapped in this limbo that borders either on hilarity or a complete societal breakdown. It's a good bit for the talk show hosts and comedians to chomp at, but any semblance of order and law have been cast aside like so many votes from the military.

Warning: Editorial Comment Ahead

But what you have been witnessing is nothing less than a raw, naked struggle for power. Al Gore has shown that he will stop at nothing while the economy chokes on its uncertainty and his boss refuses to unlock the White House doors.

This year the alternative to Gore is the son of the ex-chief of the CIA, a Yale "Skull and Bones" secret society man. Rumors of the conspiracy begin to tug at the fray, eh? I already had little love for the Bush clan: I had to rally in the streets under the old man so they wouldn't send me off to the desert to be hit by a Scud or left to die in an oil-soaked wasteland.

There is no nobility and no moral high ground in sight. It is a long and dark abyss where the losers are driven into a mashed pulp and spit back into the gutter from which they crawled.

The "will of the people" is tiddly winks to both of these puppets in suits, and no amount of flags is going to convince me otherwise.

Voters flocked to their candidates in this election not out of love for them, but out of some perceived fear of what The Other Guy would do once elected.

The closeness of the race only reflects the true nature of the candidates, and the fact that they are so similar that nothing is going to change, except that government will continue to not solve problems, and spend a lot of time and money telling us how they did or did not manage to do so.

Bottom line: They will try to convince you that this was the election that proves "one vote" makes a difference. I contend the opposite. Unless your vote was from a Florida judge's bench, someone with a lust for power and hand on the controls bought your ticket and took the ride.

This is as low as it gets, folks. Look forward to more of the same. Same as always.

Editor's note: The views expressed in this column are not necessarily those of or this station.