Double Take: Dating Divorcés

No Guidebook Has All The Answers

UPDATED: 8:55 a.m. EST March 4, 2003

    Dear Double Take,

    I am an almost 30-year-old, intelligent, single woman who has never been married. One of the things that I've noticed as I've gotten older is that many (or I should say most) of the men that ask me out are divorced. Now, in theory, I don't have a problem going out with divorced men. But the ones that I have gone on dates with have fallen into one of three categories:
    1. They're used to being in a relationship, so they try to rush and push me into one;
    2. They hate their ex-wives, so they complain about her every time we talk; or
    3. They want a rebound sex slave.

    Double TakeI balk at dating any of these types. This is why I've gone on dates with several men, but run from turning them into relationships!

    I have always leaned more to the side of "tomboy" than "princess" although most say I don't look it. My idea of a good weekend is sitting on the couch watching baseball, football or college basketball and trying not to think too much. I have one female friend who I do this with on occasion, but several male friends who I veg-out with more often.

    One of these guys has been a good friend of mine for a few years. I met him and his wife through my last boyfriend. Now he and his wife are going through a divorce and I'm no longer with my ex, so we don't see each other that often, but we talk on the phone at least once a week. He is a wonderful man, we have a lot in common and we've been close friends since we met. I've had a secret crush on him for many years, but since I was in a "serious" relationship and he was married, I never let on or acted on it.

    Now we're both unattached and I definitely sense that the attraction is mutual. I am really interested in going out with him, but my past extremely unsuccessful dates with divorced men keep popping into my head! As I said, we are great friends. I don't want to lose that friendship (or the chance to date him!), but before I go out with him, how do I minimize the risk of being the rebound girl? Is there a certain length of time we wait to actually go out? Should I let him date a certain amount of girls (yuck!) before I go out with him? Is there a "Guide to Dating a Divorced Man" manual? If not, with all the divorced men I meet, someone should think of writing one! It might just be a best-seller!

ALANA SAYS:

I'm sure several such guides have been written, but the reason they're not best-sellers is probably because not every divorced guy fits the mold.

From your description, it's no wonder that all these guys -- divorced or not -- are asking you out. My boyfriend would love it if I enjoyed watching football with him.

But you're right -- being buddies with guys and then dating them is a tricky pursuit. There's always the risk that things will get awkward, or that expectations will start to change. But then, there's also the possibility that it could blosssom into something really great.

As far as timing goes, you'll have to take your cue from him. Only he knows when he's "ready" to try something new. If you're making it pretty clear that you're interested -- and it sounds like you are -- then no doubt he's considering the possibilities, and he'll let you know when (and if) he's ready.

But if you think it's been "long enough" and he still hasn't asked -- and if your friendship with him is as close as you say it is -- you could always bring it up. You'll know pretty fast whether he's interested or uncomfortable with the idea of dating.

EDDIE SAYS:

Normally, my philosophy on things like this is pretty simple: If you want it, ask for it (and be prepared for the consequences).

But in this case, I see a big reason for caution -- not so much your experiences with divorced men, but where this one is in the process. You say he's "going through" a divorce. Which means he's going to have several shocks to his system coming: bad meetings with lawyers, finally reaching a deal, actually signing the papers, maybe selling a house, first "ghost" anniversary, etc., etc.

He's got a lot of stumbling blocks to get over before knowing for himself that he can commit to something with someone new.

So for now -- and I really can't believe I'm saying this, because most men won't get even the most obvious hints -- don't sit him down and have "A Talk" about "Your Feelings For Him." Make it clear that you're around, that you think he's great -- lay the foundation for when he's more ready.

But if you're thinking of him as a solid, long-term investment of your time and affection, it's best to start out small and wait for the environment to improve.

And while you're waiting, write your own guide for all the others out there considering dating men whose marriages failed.

    Dear Double Take,

    My girlfriend and I have been dating about 16 months. She is clinically depressed and on medication for her depression. We have great times together, but have real problems when we're apart. We live about 30 miles from each other, and both have careers and homes, so we only get together on weekends and one evening during the week.

    The problem is this ... she is so insecure with herself that she doesn't trust me -- not only my actions, but my words as well. I constantly tell her I love her, that she is beautiful, and that I want to be with her, but she doubts everything. I don't do anything to hurt her, but I still have problems convincing her that my words are genuine. I really love this woman, but can't see myself spending the rest of my life with her if she continues this way.

    I have asked her if medication or therapy is to blame -- in other words, can it be changed? But she doesn't want to change, either. Any advice?

EDDIE SAYS:

When a woman has an illness that can devastate her life, she's probably doing the right thing to focus on keeping that under control. So if she feels that her current medication and other treatments are helping her stay stable, she's not going to want to risk that.

It sounds like you want her depression therapy to "fix" the issue of her trusting you. But there are a lot of people who don't have any diagnosable problems who do the same sort of thing. Surely, one area affects the other, but they may not be as linked as you think.

And since you don't mention her anguish over not being able to trust you, it makes me think that she doesn't put as much priority on the situation as you do. As I said, she's probably focused on her own health first.

If it is the case that she can't or won't fix the issues that concern you so much, then it does sound like splitting might be the best thing for both of you, for the time being.

ALANA SAYS:

Sure, trust is a major issue in any relationship, but I don't think I'd pull the cord on this one yet.

I agree that your girlfriend's depression is first priority for her, and it may or may not be linked to her lack of trust.

With this in mind, let's take a look at the problem. Does she hound you about seeing other women? Is she unjustifiably suspicious? Does your absence from you make her more depressed?

From the little bit we know about the situation, it sounds like she does have low self-esteem -- but let me tell you, most women do, in some form or another. Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with your compliments toward her -- so she's putting herself down instead.

While 16 months is a decent amount of time to be dating someone, maybe she's just not yet secure in your relationship. Maybe it will take more time before she realizes that you are around to stay. Patience is the key here, and if you have enough of it, I think it might be worth your while to wait it out a while.

But if you don't, Eddie's right -- you should step back. She shouldn't have to deal with a volatile relationship on top of her existing illness.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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