It's 2001! Let's Put On Our Cranky Pants!
Tell Betsy What's Bugging You -- No, Really
The next fast-food drive-through employee who plops bills onto my hand and then sprinkles my change on top of the bills is going to be in big honkin' trouble.
Yeah, OK. It's 2001, it's a new millennium, and I've got on my cranky pants, as my sister Jennifer would say. Look out.
I am sick to death of morons who check out ahead of you in the grocery store and then don't push their carts clear to the end of the checkout stand so you can start bagging your groceries.
I've had it with the inexcusably rude idiots who clip their fingernails in public and allow the clippings to fly where they may. (I once sat in a federal courtroom covering jury selection for a trial and watched a potential juror sit and casually clip his fingernails. In a federal courtroom. Too bad it wasn't a federal offense. It should be.)
And I'm not the only one.
It occurred to me, the last time I went through the McDonald's drive-through and the clueless clerk dumped the bills in my hand and the coins on top -- managing to sprinkle half of them on the ground -- that perhaps I'm not the only voice crying out in the wilderness here. (All they have to do is hand you the bills and then let you take the coins in your palm, for crying out loud. You're holding your hand at such an angle that you absolutely CANNOT control the coins when they're dumped on top of the bills. Trust me on this one.)
Anyway. I asked my co-workers and family members if anything in particular was bugging them.
A lot is, apparently. Read on:
- From Reed: "When I say 'Thank you' to a clerk and they say nothing in return, when they should be thanking me for spending money at their store.
"When employees of stores have personal conversations between each other with me standing in front of them ... happens all the time.
"When drivers see someone with their turn signal on well in advance to move into their lane and they ignore them. If someone takes the time to place their signal on and bide their time, LET THEM OVER. Be courteous."
- From Barb, who describes herself as a "bag of spite" but who's really a very nice person: "Jerks who lurk like vultures in the parking lot waiting for you to relinquish your space. Some of these people are more irritating than others ... I think I despise the tenacious ones the most. It makes me want to sit for 10 minutes, then turn off the car and walk back into the store."
"Jerks who abandon their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle.
"Jerks who actually use the reclining seat on airplanes. I mean, come on. Be civilized. I almost lost a laptop that way. Someone could get severed by their own tray table. (I guess that this beef is really with the airlines/seats themselves, given human nature ...)"
- From Tim: "People who switch three or four lanes of traffic, all at once, without a blinker.
"Restaurant owners who believe that an invisible line, drawn between two tables, will stop smoke from entering your nostrils while eating.
"Runners or bikers who believe that blowing your nose along the trail, aka 'farmer blow,' is OK.
"Waiters asking if everything is OK every two minutes.
"People asking TV reporters and photographers if this story is going to be in the newspaper tomorrow. Hmm, does this look like a 35mm camera on my shoulder?
"People not capitalizing 'I' when writing e-mail."
- From Erin in Milwaukee: "Snowmobilers who drive on rivers -- then risk the lives of others who are assigned to save them when the snowmobilers fall through. This has happened three times in two days. HELLO! Rivers connote MOVING WATER!
"People with four-wheel-drive vehicles who speed past cautious drivers during blizzards because they think that they can stop more quickly in snowy and especially icy conditions just because they have an SUV -- sorry, it doesn't work that way.
"Ice fishermen who, again, risk the lives of rescue squads, because they want to get some good fishin' in on an inch of ice.
"Groups of people in malls who you can't get around, then they decide to stop right in the middle of the pathway.
"People with strollers in malls who continuously nip your heels and don't apologize."
- From my mother: "The person who wants to make a left-hand turn but can only get HALF his car into the center turning lane.
"People in stores who insist on leaving their shopping carts in the exact middle of the aisle so nobody can get by on either side.
"People who sit in traffic daydreaming and when the light turns green, they're not even looking at it. This is especially bad in left-turn lanes when you know you're going to have the arrow for only FIVE SECONDS.
"Children who answer the phone and, when you ask to speak to their parent, say, 'Who is this?'
"People who let their children run back and forth in the pew, tearing up the missals and hymn books at church, and children who sit behind you in church and repeatedly kick the pew in which you're sitting.
"People who only seem to know how to turn on their parking lights until it's completely dark!"
- From David: "Humanity in general.
"People in a crowd who are walking in front of you and then just stop.
"Drivers who fail to pull out into the intersection when making a left-hand turn.
"Drivers who stop in the middle of the road, when they have the right of way, when there is a pedestrian waiting to cross.
"People who have a little kid running around in my way who think I want to stop and gush about how 'cute' it is.
"People who ignore their screaming brats because they're scared of giving them the discipline they need in public.
"Drivers who see someone approaching a car in the parking lot with a load of stuff and decide to wait for their parking spot.
"People who think that my money is 'spare.'
"People who do condescending stories about 'Christmas gifts under $200.'"
- From Fred: "People who toss cigarettes out their car window.
"People who spit on the sidewalk (it's practically the same thing).
"People who congregate in the aisle of a store, unknowingly blocking the aisle for the rest of us."
- From Sarah: "When one driver lets a person into traffic, or stops a whole row of traffic so that a car may turn across oncoming traffic into a driveway, the driver who received the favor is supposed to give 'The Friendly Wave.' When they do not, they not only tell that nice driver who performed the favor that their efforts were worthless, but they also make the nice driver think twice about helping another car in the future. I personally have been known to tailgate a person for blocks who didn't give me The Friendly Wave. Which I'm sure puts me on many people's pet-peeve list for tailgating.
"When you say 'Thank you' to a cashier or waitress or other service worker, you are fully within your rights to expect a 'You're welcome.' It has been my experience recently that people do not respond at all. I know many are working for minimum wage or little more: I waited tables for almost a decade. But that does not excuse their rudeness. I have been known to continue saying 'Thank you' until I get a response, which is not always a 'You're welcome' at that point."
- And finally, from Carla, who is clearly my kindred spirit when it comes to crankiness: "People who step on the back of your heel when you are shopping.
"People who let their dogs poop on the sidewalk and leave it.
"People who take up two parking places.
"People who knick your car doors with their car doors.
"People who talk in movie theaters and tell the person next to them what just happened like they couldn't see it.
"People who drive big SUVs and think it gives them ownership of the road.
"People who take a week's groceries to the express checkout and then write a check and don't carry ID.
"People who use credit cards for 75-cent purchases.
"People who let their child kick the back of your seat on an airplane for the entire duration of a cross-Atlantic flight.
"Grocery packers who put cans and melons on top of bread so that it comes out looking like matzo.
"Women who spray their hair spray on you while you are washing your hands in a restroom.
"People who live in thin-walled apartments and play music so loud it vibrates your chest because they assume that you like the same band.
"People who drive from Miami to North Carolina at 35 mph, in the fast lane, with their blinker on.
"Buying packaged vegetables and finding out that the only unrotten ones in the package are the ones that show through the cellophane.
"People who snap their gum.
"Men who leave toilet seats up so when you get up in the middle of the night you end up plunking your butt into cold water.
"Restrooms that only have those stupid blow dryers so you end up having to wipe your hands on your pants.
"Men who yell 'Hey baybee' out the window of their truck like they expect you to start chasing it.
"People who think that because you live in Florida, you must spend all your time at the beach and Disney World.
"People who take a sip of your drink and back-wash.
"People who tell you stories in detail using the first names of people like you know them when you have never even met them.
"Phone solicitors of any kind at any time.
"People who think that the only important people in TV news are the ones in front of the camera.
"People who feel compelled to top anything that anybody else says: 'You think THAT'S bad ...' or 'You think THAT'S good ...'
"People who drink too much and THEN choose to talk about politics and religion.
"People who can't punch all the way through a ballot card.
"People who go to the movies with you and don't buy popcorn, but then eat all of yours.
"People who say 'jewlery' (for jewelry), 'supposably' (for supposedly), 'pacifically' (for specifically), or 'realaty' (for realty).
"People who use the line of reasoning, 'But we've always done it this way.'
"People who keep talking about a movie after you say 'I might see it' and insist on telling you how it ended.
"People who take children between the ages of 1 and 4 to restaurants where they serve good wine and play nice music.
"People who recline their seat on an airplane so that it spills your drink and then give YOU a dirty look.
"People who don't eat meat who ask people who do, 'How could you eat that sweet little animal?'
"People who use your desk and computer when you aren't around, and move everything, drop food in your keyboard, and leave catsup on your mouse.
"WOW -- do I feel better! (I've wanted to do this ever since that obnoxious little book a few years ago, '1001 Things To Be Happy About' or some such foolishness!)"
There you have it. I cannot disagree with a single one of Carla's -- or anyone else's -- gripes. (Frankly, I'm a little afraid to disagree with any of Carla's.)
But I'll bet you have some of your own. I want to hear them. Really. Honestly. Send 'em on. I'll use the best ones in a future column.
Unless you clip your fingernails in public. Then I'll have to hunt you down and hurt you.
Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears most weeks in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.
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