HUMOR: What Bush And Gore Meant To Say

(Editor's note: After Nonpresident-elect Al Gore delivered his delayed-concession speech on Dec. 13 and President-apparent George W. Bush delivered his delayed-victory speech, obtained first draft* versions of the speeches.

In the interest of the public's right to know, we publish them here. Passages that were considered for the speeches but stricken before the final, delivered versions are marked in red.)

Gore's Concession Speech

Vice President Al Gore: Good evening. Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States. And I promised him that I wouldn't call him back this time. Now I have prevented Letterman from making that joke.

I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we just passed. He said, "Man, I would love to see you, but this is such a crazy time. Can I get back to you?"

... I say to President-elect Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God spare us from the torment that awaits -- and may God bless his stewardship of this country.

Neither he nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Certainly neither of us wanted it to happen. Yet it came. I have no idea how those lawsuits got filed. Sometimes these things just happen.

And now it has ended, resolved, as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of our democracy, some more honored than others, but I'll get to the U.S. Supreme Court later.

Over the library of one of our great law schools containing many books that my opponent cannot understand is inscribed the motto, "Not under man but under God and law." That's the ruling principle of American freedom, the source of our democratic liberties. I've tried to make it my guide throughout this contest as it has guided America's deliberations of all the complex issues of the past five weeks, too complex for my opponent to understand.

Now the fascist U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the court's decision, I accept it. Just like I accepted that one time when a state trooper ticketed me for supposedly blowing off a stop sign when I know I stopped, I mean, came to full halt. What are you gonna do? He's got the badge. They've got the robes. I accept the finality of this outcome, which will be ratified next Monday in the Electoral College, not unlike the college from which my opponent barely graduated.

And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my popcorn and soda that I bought at the concession stand.

... Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and supported the cause for which we have fought. Tipper and I feel a deep gratitude to Joe and Hadassah Lieberman, who brought passion and high purpose to our partnership and opened new doors, not just for our campaign but for our country. Joe, of course, still has a political office because he won re-election to his Senate seat while he and I were losing the presidential race. I'm really happy for him and not at all bitter.

... In one of God's unforeseen paths, this belatedly broken impasse can point us all to a new common ground, for its very closeness can serve to remind us that we are one people with a shared history and a shared destiny. That is, even though the country was split in two, we are one, get it?

? I say to our fellow members of the world community, let no one see this contest as a sign of American weakness. Some of you foreigners acted pretty high and mighty during this lawsuit stalemate. Guess what? We're still number one, and you're still a bunch of Rhode Islands. Lick it up, Eurotrash; lick it up.

? Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office. I do not believe it need be so, though it wouldn't surprise me.

President-elect Bush inherits, inherits like the trust-fund baby he is, a nation whose citizens will be ready to assist him in the conduct of his large responsibilities.

I personally will be at his garbage disposal ?

... This is America, not Russia -- check the map, folks -- and we put country before party. We will stand together behind our new president, making faces and holding bunny fingers over his head.

As for what I'll do next, I don't know the answer to that one yet. If there are any poli-sci departments or think tanks out there in need of a schoolmarm-like stiffo, check out my r?sum? at www.algore.com. ?

The Republican Response

Below is the rough draft* of the speech that President-apparent George W. Bush delivered an hour later. Portions in red were deleted before the final version of the speech was delivered:

My fellow Americans ... our country has been through a long and trying period, much like the time when I was stranded in Aruba and Daddy refused to cover me when I exceeded my expense account, with the outcome of the presidential election not finalized for longer than any of us could have ever imagined ?

I understand how difficult this moment must be for Vice President Gore and his family. He has a distinguished record of service to our country as a congressman, a senator and as vice president. Or so I am told.

This evening I received a gracious call from the vice president. We agreed to meet early next week in Washington if it works out, and we agreed to do our best to heal our country after this hard-fought contest ?

I have a lot to be thankful for tonight. I am thankful for America and thankful that we are able to resolve our electoral differences in a peaceful way, lest I have to get ghetto on somebody's @$$.

And I am thankful to the American people for the great privilege of being able to serve as your next president. Let me know when you need me to start. I am sure I can get out of my current commitments; it's no problem. I'm presuming the first week is training. Right? ?.

I am proud to have Dick Cheney by my side, and America will be proud to have him as our next vice president in an iron lung.

... After a difficult election, we must put politics behind us and work together to make the promise of America available for every one of our citizens who has a lot of money.

I am optimistic that we can change the tone of Washington, D.C. I believe things happen for a reason, although sometimes they happen for a bad reason.

And I hope the long wait of the last five weeks will heighten a desire to move beyond the bitterness and partisanship of the recent past. That is, the other guys have had longer to believe they might be able to beat us, therefore they are more likely to want to join in harmony with us, got it? ...

During the fall campaign, we differed about details ... but there was remarkable consensus about the important issues before the two of us, including the importance of keeping Nader out.

... Two hundred years ago, in the election of 1800, America faced another close presidential election, or so I am told. A tie in the Electoral College, where I would have applied except they had no athletic program, put the outcome into the hands of Congress. After six days of voting and 36 ballots, the House of Representatives elected Thomas Jefferson, inventor of the electric kite, the third president of the United States ...

Shortly after the election, Benjamin Jefferson, in a letter titled "Reconciliation and Reform," wrote: "The steady character of our countrymen is a rock to which we may safely moor ... Unequivocal in principle, reasonable in manner, we should be able to hope to do a great deal of good to the cause of freedom and harmony."

While it is not clear what he was getting at there, 200 years since the fall of Communism have only strengthened the steady character of America. And so, as we begin the work of healing our nation, tonight I call upon that character. ?

I will be guided by President George Jefferson's sense of purpose: to stand for principle, to be reasonable in manner, and, above all, to do great good for the cause of freedom and four-part harmony.

The presidency is more than an honor. It is more than an office. It is a charge to keep, and I will give it my all.

Thank you very much, and God bless America.

*Pretend

We're just kidding. Original transcripts courtesy Of eMediaMillWorks Inc. via The Associated Press.

Dan Bernard doesn't get to write humor columns about the stalled election anymore, but you can still e-mail him at dan@.com with your full name, city and state; maybe he can eke another column out of this somehow.

And of course, you can always submit your opinions to our online forums on Election 2000 in the Hot-Button Issues room: Click here.