UPDATED: 9:57 a.m. EST April 1, 2003
Dear Double Take,
I am a 37-year-old man with a highly successful career and an extremely unhappy marriage.
The catch is that I got into an arranged marriage at age 25 based on the ethnic tradition from where I came. We are completely incompatible in every way you can imagine. We thought having kids would improve the marriage, but it didn't.
I have two beautiful kids, but have no physical relationship with my wife at all other than what was required to have the children. I know it was stupid to have kids when my marriage was not working. I didn't think divorce was an option.
Now I have become close to a 33-year-old married woman who has a better marriage than mine, but whose husband does not appreciate her all the time. What advice would you give me to find happiness? This woman is not yet ready to leave her marriage; I don't even know if she will.
My biggest problem is I think my wife will leave the country with our kids if I want to separate, and then I will never see them. That is unacceptable to me. Please help.
EDDIE SAYS:
It's almost always wise to focus on your biggest problem first. And that means doing what you need to do to keep your kids around. So make that your goal, and don't worry about this other woman.
Speaking of Ms. Also Unhappy ... are you having an affair with her? It's not clear, though you're contemplating whether or not she would leave her husband for you. Sounds like just an active fantasy life to me, but think about what would happen if you are carrying on with another woman, and your wife finds out. If she'd put her passport to use for a separation, I'm sure she'd do it for adultery as well.
Besides, you don't even believe she's interested, so let's assume she's not, and just not let her be a factor in this (except for how she indicates your desire for something new).
Have you given up on making things work with your designated partner? If so, then you need to get over the assumption that she would leave and would take the kids.
Warning: This next section will encourage calculated thinking that deals with solving the problem you describe, not the root causes.
I'm not sure the specifics of your situation, but it could be that even if you leave, you'll have leverage. You could offer financial support if she stays nearby, and even get this contractually guaranteed (as part of a divorce). You could find a place to stay, take the kids, file for divorce, and then try to prevail in part on a "possession is nine-tenths of the law" argument.
All that would of course cause great tension, conflict, heartache and legal bills. But you need to be prepared for that if you want to pursue the dual goals of ending the marriage and keeping your kids nearby.
ALANA SAYS:
Yes, keep the "other woman" out of this -- but before you call a lawyer, perhaps you could ease some of the impending tension by talking to your wife first.
Incompatible as you may be, you can probably bond over the fact that your marriage isn't satisfying either of you. (Even if you think she's oblivious, if you're not happy, she's not happy. Period.)
I'm guessing she'll say that divorce is not an option -- but I urge you to convince her. If you can make your parting amicable, it would be
so much easier on your kids.
Perhaps she's been mulling over the same problem and will be relieved to find that you agree. Perhaps she'll be upset, but will come to understand that you won't be swayed into giving it a second chance. Or perhaps she'll threaten to leave the country. In that case, take Eddie's advice. Kids come first.
After your wife is out of the picture, then you can consider the next step in your love life.
Dear Double Take,
I've been out of the dating game for so long I have no clue any more.
I am getting a divorce from my wife of 14 years. I really didn't want to, but she did, so ... It's for the best as we've not been in love for a very long time; we stayed together for the kids.
Anyway, I work for a small company and I am very attracted to one of the senior members of our company. A little over a year ago, we started having lunch on a weekly basis and I realized how much I like her. Any time I asked her to lunch, she would make time for it. We had great conversations and got to know each other on a more personal basis rather than a work-related one. I found out we have so much in common, and pretty soon I realized I was nuts about her.
She's been divorced for at least six years. so I started asking her advice since I knew I was destined for one myself. She gave me a lot of very good advice. I have never seen her with another man, at company functions she either comes alone or brings a girl friend. At first she always had a ring on her left ring finger so I assumed she was unavailable but over time she quit wearing it so I thought maybe she was available.
I knew better and told myself so, but eventually I wanted her to know I was interested in her even though I was still married.
For some reason, she froze. She told me she valued our friendly working relationship but that's where it should stay. After that things were very distant for awhile. Eventually things thawed a bit and we had a few very nice lunches and talked about non-work things again and I thought things were going to start rolling again. Then suddenly things got very strained again and I don't have any idea why. She wears a ring on her left ring finger again, not just around me.
I am just quite confused at this point. I see her glance at me when she walks through the room sometimes and I still get a sense she has an interest, but she always has an excuse for not going to lunch.
She is a very classy, very sensible, very smart woman and to be honest I am crazy about her. I don't think for a minute she would ever be the "other woman" in a relationship and would hate anyone who was. Did she see where this was headed and realize it was wrong, did she want to make sure she wasn't the reason for my divorce?
I can forget about her and move on, but I sure don't want to. Any advice for someone who's totally out of it and confused?
ALANA SAYS:
Your absence from the dating scene hasn't hampered your intuition here -- you're probably right when you say she was concerned about interfering in your marriage/divorce.
Or, maybe she truly isn't interested in a relationship.
I find myself becoming good friends with guys I know are "safe" -- they're married or have other women in their lives, and I'm relatively sure they'll never be romantically interested in me. That way, it's easy to be friends -- no undertones.
It could be that this woman felt the same way. She saw how wrapped up you were in your marriage and thought you could be good friends, but now that your interest has shifted to her, she's realizing that your friendship is no longer "safe." It's hard to be friends with someone who you know has a romantic interest in you.
However, you really can't blame her if she's interested, but afraid of getting involved with you while you're going through this divorce. If that is the case, nothing will thaw her out except finalized divorce papers.
If you're still this interested when your divorce is final, reapproach the issue. Be honest, but don't be surprised if she just wants to be friends -- after all, that was her response the first time. And understand that if you push the issue, she might "freeze" for good.
EDDIE SAYS:
I've always said that the main difference between men and women when it comes to dating is that men will never, ever recognize a hint.
Thanks for proving my point.
You approached her with the idea of a relationship, and she quickly backed away -- what her reasons are don't matter that much. Because you want her, you assume that deep down she really feels the same, but has reasons to not let it happen. You're missing the obvious one: she doesn't want it.
Her letting the friendship get back in the groove wasn't "rolling again" toward something else. It was getting the friendship back, not attempting to rekindle a flame. If she got uncomfortable again, it was probably that she sensed something in those glances you like to give her.
If she really is just waiting for your divorce to be final (and, if she's smart, giving you several months to let that reality sink in), then you should wait for her to say, "Now that you're done with all that, let's talk about
us." Otherwise, assume she's already given her answer, and that it's time for you to look for someone else.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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