UPDATED: 1:01 p.m. EDT July 22, 2003
Dear Double Take,
I have a married sister who I believe is seeing my ex-husband. We went through this about two years ago and the family was nearly torn apart. She tried to work things out with her husband because of her kids (who don't want my ex as their stepdad), and the fact that even she could see there were going to be problems trying to bring the ex back into the family.
I have reason to believe that it has started up again. I can't believe that she would put our family through this again. I might add that I have always been close to this sister (or so I thought) so the ex-husband bit has been very hard for me to understand. I have been divorced from the ex for several years, and we had one child together who is pretty much grown. The ex-husband has been married and divorced three times.
What should I do -- if anything? I am going to have to do something soon because it is getting more difficult to be around her and listen to her tell lies.
ALANA SAYS:
Sibling rivalry goes a long way, huh?
Actually, I'm not going to speculate as to what's up with your sister. If she wants to cheat on her husband with your ex -- as disloyal as that is in every respect -- that's her business.
I'm guessing that when you "went through this" two years ago, you made your feelings on the matter abundantly clear. If not, you should have -- you had every right to do so. But assuming you did, what else could you possibly tell your sister now that would change her mind?
"Listening to her tell lies" would no doubt be difficult. If you think she's taken up with him again, I don't see a problem with confronting her about it. But keep your tone as one of a concerned sister instead of an accusatory one -- let her know you care about her well-being. With any luck, she'll hear you out and take your advice to heart.
But she may very well deny it -- in which case, it's time for you to close your mouth and mind your own business. After all, it might not even be true.
EDDIE SAYS:
Let's see ... if they do get married then, to your child, this guy would be Uncle Daddy.
Just had to point that out.
The good news is that there's at least a chance that what you think is happening isn't, so there's hope ... though it probably just means that they're, ahem, "messin' around" instead of having a relationship.
If you see your sister around, you should just act like you've been feeling reflective lately, and say things like, "Gosh, remember when you almost ended up with my ex? I'm
so glad that didn't happen. I mean, that's the sort of thing that could rip us apart forever, isn't it? Whew. That was close!"
At the very least, that could force her to keep quiet about her fling. And if it's not out in the open, in some ways it's not any of your business. Do your best to ignore it, and hope you don't ever have to take off the mask.
Dear Double Take,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We have mutual friends who we see every once in a while. She is my college friend, and our boyfriends have become friends over the years.
Several months ago, on my birthday, my boyfriend and girlfriend flirted with each other the entire night, trading sexual jokes with each other. On my birthday! A day later, I discussed the feelings of utter embarrassment, disrespect and hurt that I felt with my boyfriend. He apologized and said he didn't realize he made those comments. I was shocked that he couldn't remember he said those horrible comments. We ended up breaking up over it.
We got back together, and just recently went out with the same couple again. Guess what happened? The same thing, minus the sexual comments. During the night, he complimented her, was at her beck and call, and every time she left to go to the bathroom, he'd ask where she was going and worried that she shouldn't go alone.
To top things off, we are both in their wedding and will be seeing a whole lot more of them together.
Am I being way too sensitive about the whole issue? Is it worth talking over with him again? What in the world will make him stop?
EDDIE SAYS:
I bet he didn't say that he didn't realize he made comments, he just didn't feel like they were that big a deal. And since (sadly), you didn't provide us with every graphic, lascivious detail, we'll never really know if he's a cad at all.
It does sound to me like you're pretty easily threatened. You don't think that he's actually done anything with your friend or that you think either of them wants to. And she's in a committed relationship as well.
This may come as a shock to you, but when alcohol's involved -- and it sounds like it was, since you were celebrating a birthday and he got away with claiming to have forgotten things -- people loosen up their inhibitions a bit. Many people consider a bit of lighthearted banter, even about personal subjects, part of a close friendship. That sounds like what you witnessed, horrified, hand clutching your pearls.
Some would consider those who can't take a bit of saucy conversation in stride, those who see every bit of friendly concern as a grave threat to a relationship, to be irrevocably uptight.
If you don't trust your boyfriend or your best friend, then jokes around the dinner table may not be your biggest worry. It may be that you're blowing things way out of proportion.
ALANA SAYS:
Now, I'm one of the most jealous girlfriends I know. I like to be in the center of attention, and I like my guy to
not notice any other girls.
Luckily, my beau gives me no reason to torment myself with jealousy.
However, one concern I sometimes have is how he'll get along with my friends. He's certainly polite, but generally not anything beyond that. He just feels he doesn't have much in common with most of them.
So if I saw him joking with a friend of mine, I'm pretty sure my reaction would be mixed: joy that he was making an effort to be my friend's friend, and perhaps slight jealousy ... but not enough for me to ever admit.
Your reaction to this is one of a girl's. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to monitor. Is it really a rational reaction? You trust your long-time boyfriend, don't you? Then take a few deep breaths and chill out. ... And be glad that he gets along with your friends in the first place.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
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