LifeFiles: Confronting The Ugly Ex

The first time I visited my fiance's house, I noticed a photo album on his coffee table that his mom made for him.

It moved chronologically from baby photos to post-college, highlighting a few relationships along the way. Even though I had only platonic interest in him at the time, I breezed through the baby shots and fixated on the girls from the past.

Being a competitive sort, I couldn't help but compare myself to the ladies in the pictures, especially since some of them looked a little like me.

Was I his type? More importantly, was I better looking than the rest of them? A more interesting person, sure, but better overall? That remained to be seen.

Guys will tell you they never have such thoughts of comparison. If they are confident enough, it's a given in their minds that they are better than a woman's exes. Or is it?

I have seen this theory shattered each time my fiance meets an ex of mine. The few times it has happened, he always makes some little comment to drive home that he is "top dog."

"Man, how tall was that one, 5 feet 4?"
"What did you ever see in him?"
"He sure is a smart one, eh?"

While I find his behavior completely silly, I realize that he's handling it better than I usually do. It's normal to measure up the exes you may encounter in photos or in person, but ladies take this competition too far and too personally.

My friend Anne called me annoyed after spending a night with her new beau and a group of his friends, including one he used to date.

I don't see the need for hanging with the ex, but it wasn't that aspect that bothered Anne. It's what the girl who her man described as cute looked like that upset her. In Anne's eyes, this former flame was not up to snuff. She thought she was beastly.

Suddenly, all her insecurities boiled over and she questioned how he could go from that to her -- someone so much better looking? How can he find my friend attractive when he found less-attractive people appealing in the past?

There are women who find these superficial thoughts completely ridiculous.

"I like being the hottest girl he's ever been with," says my friend Amy. Exactly, what's wrong with being his score?

I try to drive this home to Anne, but she can't help but obsess that something is amiss. It doesn't make sense to her that a guy would like more than one type of girl. But it makes complete sense.

Then there is the flip side. What if I'm not as hot as the one before?

My friend Joanne is dating a guy whose last girlfriend was a model. She wasn't a supermodel, but she could be found in magazines and catalogues.

Joanne had a hard time not comparing herself to the ex, especially since there were a lot of pictures.

Like Joanne, I used to agonize over the fact that my one boyfriend only dated women who wore size zero before he came to me. But I realize how stupid, pointless and pathetically insecure that all is (and how lame he was to tell me).

If I am comfortable with myself, it doesn't matter what others looked like. It's such a waste of time to even think about it. If he's a decent guy, he won't bother pointing out the could-be models in the first place. If he feels the need to show off who has graced his presence, he's too insecure to date.

I have a few exes who wouldn't win any beauty contests, but I wasn't dating them for their looks. Who people chose to be with isn't all superficial, no matter what our insecurities tell us.

Maybe men and women all do it, measure themselves up to the ones before. Fortunately for men, in their heads they usually come out on top, no matter what the guy looked like. He could have been a model, but they know they outdo him altogether.

So why can't women do the same?

Better looking doesn't mean better. In fact, it's often quite the opposite. But when delving into ex territory, often all there is to go on is photos.

When I find Jack's taste in women surprising, I just accept the fact that maybe he's less discriminating than I am if an ex wasn't as stunning. And if she looks better ... perhaps she was extremely photogenic. Either way, I'm the one holding the spotlight, so I won't bother turning it on people who lost it long ago.

Laura Lewis is an adventurous 20-something who knows how to make the most of being single. Her column appears every other Thursday.