Diary Of A Fat Man: Cleaning House

Before we get started this week, there's been a news item making headlines that I'd like to weigh in on (pardon the pun).

Physicians for Responsible Medicine, a group that advocates a vegetarian diet and has been strongly critical of the Atkins diet, released a report claiming that Dr. Robert Atkins was obese, weighing 258 pounds at his death. His 6-foot height, compared with that weight, would indeed put the late doctor in the "obese" range.

However, Atkins' widow and the Atkins Physicians Council quickly shot back that the doctor weighed a healthy 195 pounds when admitted to the hospital suffering from a head trauma suffered in a fall, and the weight gain was due to intravenous fluids given to Atkins to try and revive him.

I'm not about to wade into the middle of this.

However, I'd like you all to stop and consider one thing: If this, or any other diet, is working for YOU, what does it matter a hill of beans? Do you think no Weight Watchers group leader ever hammered down a pound of bacon on a binge? Can you be certain all the nice folks at Jenny Craig are right on their target weights? Of course you can't. And it just doesn't matter.

Now, I am not herein endorsing Atkins, or any other diet, for that matter. Dieting is an intensely personal endeavor and you should look at a variety and make your own independent decision. However, once you find a plan that works FOR YOU, don't let the nattering of people on other plans distract you from your goal. What they are seeking is validation of their own choices, and that is not something you're obligated to provide. To thine own self be true.

Now, on to the business at hand.

Cleaning House

If you're reading this at home, stop right now, get up and walk into your kitchen. Open the pantry and take a quick survey of how many fat-laden, sugar-infested snack and convenience foods you've got stacked in there. I'm not talking about just the Twinkies. Count the box dinners, the pasta sauces with meat and/or cheese added, the sugary cereals and all the rest of that delicious-but-danger-filled garbage.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

OK! Now you should have a rough idea of how many bags you'll be carting off to the food bank donation barrel at the grocery store, or over to the church food pantry.

That's right! We're going to throw out "perfectly good food." Why? Because for you, my overweight chum, it's no longer perfectly good. Those little morsels of yumminess are what got you where you are today.

I can remember the days when I'd go grocery shopping and find my beloved pork rinds on a 2-for-1. Since I'd planned on buying two bags anyway, I'd end up with four. And they'd be gone within two days. I'd be good ... when I got home, they'd go in the pantry and I'd shut the door, convinced that they'd stay there until there was a football game, party or some other snackworthy occasion.

That would last about an hour.

Like magic, first one, then two, then all four bags would mysteriously empty of their contents and end up in the trash.

Let this simple rule govern your choices: If it's in your house, you will eventually eat it. You may be full of drive and virtue this week, but sooner or later you'll have a bad day, get stressed or depressed, and before you realize it you'll be on the couch surrounded by empty Reese's Cup wrappers. It's happened to all of us before. Remove the ammunition and you won't have to worry about the dietary damage.

Now, I realize that not all of you are living alone, or have everyone in your house following your diet plan. In that case, at least get rid of the foods that appeal most to you ... the ones that you lose complete control around. If it's the first or second thing you think of when you get an attack of the munchies, it's got to go.

Check the freezer and refrigerator, too. Full-fat mayo? Gone. Jams? Jellies? Gone. Ice cream? You know better. Gone.

I live in Texas, the home of Blue Bell Ice Cream, which may well be the finest on the planet. When I began my diet, a nearly full half-gallon of Pecan Pralines & Cream went in the trash. I would have rather thrown away a kidney, but away it went.

And should you find any frozen dinners in there that aren't Lean Cuisine, Smart Ones or one of the other low-calorie/low-fat lines, set fire to it. I wouldn't recommend anyone in their right minds eating most of them.

A side note: You can now go to your grocer's freezer and, for just a few dollars, purchase a frozen dinner whose main selling point is that it provides "a pound and a half of food." Well, it contains roughly 20 ounces of organic material, but I'm not sure I'd call it real food. Anytime you can get nearly 1,000 calories and enough fat to choke a horse in one convenient package, there's something seriously wrong with how we as a people are thinking about our food.

And yes, I used to eat them. Loved 'em, I did. With enough Tabasco sauce, I can make anything tasty.

As you get going, you'll find that the whole endeavor takes on a scavenger huntlike vibe. You have to think of things in terms of their uses, in some cases. For instance, I had a bag of prime stone-ground cornmeal I picked up during one of our trips to the country. With regret, I sent it in to work with my wife, who gave it to a co-worker who makes homemade tortillas and other delights. Why? For me, cornmeal means fried catfish, and that means oil, tartar sauce, french fries, hush puppies (also made with cornmeal) and another few pounds around the middle.

You may use your cornmeal only for cornbread, or for other less-fattening purposes, but for me it was a door to temptation. Find the hidden "doors" in your pantry and fridge and you'll make it far easier on yourself in the long run.

I can hear you out there. You paid good money for all that food! Getting rid of it would just be wasting money, right?

Have you priced bypass surgery lately? Diabetes medication? This is serious business, my large friends. That $3 box of peanut brittle is a pittance.

You'll also reap the benefits when you hit the grocery store to replace the food you've discarded. By buying the simplest possible ingredients (raw or frozen vegetables instead of "blends" and "in sauce" options), you'll end up spending far less. The savings will mount even faster when you take the next big step and cut out the pizza, fried chicken and other fast and convenience foods.

Want to brag about how much you got rid of? Got a suggestion or request for a topic you'd like to see covered in an upcoming column? Drop me a line. I love to hear from all of you.

Wisdom for the week: If you cook it yourself, you know exactly what went into it.

In two weeks: Getting Started On Healthy Cooking