This Presidential Candidate Is A Joke!

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."     --Ronald Reagan

Caught between the Democans and Republicrats, one may find it hard to be inspired by the 2000 presidential candidates. Milquetoast and molasses, too polished and too out of touch.

Insert political clich? here.

Along comes a human dynamo with an agenda for the future, unafraid to tell the truth that hurts.

The Duke 2000 campaign takes up where Gary Hart and Edwin Muskie left off.

Antihero Uncle Duke of "Doonesbury" fame has not only thrown his hat into the ring, he's flipped it into the air and blasted it into smithereens like a flock of clay pigeons.

Running on the slogan of "compassionate fascism," the good uncle is the only candidate with the guts to come out and say what a silent, twisted portion of us are thinking.

The Duke 2000 Web site, official sponsor of the Salon.com election section, highlights the platform of a candidate who makes Jesse Ventura look like a dyed-in-the-wool establishmentarian.

The comic strip character is patterned on the real-life legendary outlaw journalist, self-described "Last Dope Fiend" and international degenerate who wrote about his exploits sometimes using the nickname "Raoul Duke." We know him as Hunter Stockton Thompson. The real-life Duke published the literary magnum opuses "Hell's Angels" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," as well as several other volumes of madness and twisted commentary on the American Dream. Cloistered in his Woody Creek ranch high in the Rockies, Thompson was a longtime neighbor of John Denver. He came close to being elected sheriff of Aspen on the Mescaline ticket in 1972 and once talked football with his arch-nemesis Richard Nixon in the back of a limousine.

A Pretend Candidate?

OK, I know what some of you are thinking: It's like the Wavy Gravy "Nobody For President" campaign. He's a cartoon character, they say.

Well, so are the rest of them, and having to choose between Bush or Gore sounds more like a decision about what to watch on late-night cable TV on Friday.

The man has ideas, and, like his motto, has "Absolutely Nothing To Lose."

Third parties are the joke of the electorate, and usually shark bait for the entrenched powers-that-be. Along the bloody trail to the White House, American voters express disgust and indignation for the two-party system, but end up falling back into what they know and feel comfortable with.

Americans clamor for "change" and "reform," but when it comes time to actually yank the lever, they go for someone slick, tricky and perhaps even a touch downright evil to command them.

The balding, cigarette holder-chomping Duke may not have a trio of Aryan fertility daughters or an old man that ran The Company for 20 years, but his staff cranks out a keen site, updated weekly with the latest lashes at pundits and greedheads alike. It's no high school pep rally, but some elections just need a good kick in the neck.

High-Tech Web Site

Warning: Duke2000.com must be viewed on a very up-to-date browser. Unfortunately, the optimal choice is Microsoft Explorer; Duke probably made some slippery deal with Gates to ensure this.

The video demands the most recent version of the QuickTime plug-in and may just freeze up your Netscape anyway.

Nevertheless, the clips are some slick computer animation. They document the rigors, real or imagined, of life on the campaign trail. Duke's voice is a little more whiny than I imagined it, though.

I'm surprised that Garry Trudeau can think up this stuff and not be an ardent follower himself.

The agenda pages lay out Duke's responses to the dirty business of politics, line by line.

Campaign finance reform, for instance:

"You wanna take $400,000 from Philip Morris? Have a ball. A fund-raiser with Microsoft lobbyists? Knock yourself out. Just be a man and come clean. Announce the names of your sponsors, slap their logos on your bus, and let the people make up their own minds about the company you keep. If they hate your backers, they won't vote for you. If they love them, you're in. That's why I'm in negotiations with tasty Lipton Tea to be the Official Stimulant of the Duke2000 campaign. Lipton. Now that's tea. Try some today."

On the subject of international policy:

"The Russians are a lot like ghetto teenagers ?? incapable of feeding themselves, but cruel ?? and great at amassing weapons on a shoestring budget. Imagine what we could achieve if we took their resources and violent ingenuity currently being wasted on Chechnya, and redirected it to, say, North Korea, or Pakistan, or China?"

The gun issue shows Duke's "compassionate fascism" at work. He makes Ted Nugent sound like a social worker:

"I'm for mandatory gun ownership. It's a simple safety issue. We require seat belts ?? why don't we require sidearms? I believe every American ?? man, woman or child ?? should be in a position to return fire, you know, in their day-to-day life. If you know someone's armed, it prevents a lot of misunderstandings, or at least they get resolved quickly. A brief exchange, you're on your way to your next class. Or whatever."

As for any sort of homeless policy:

"What I'd like to do is appoint Martha Stewart to be the Secretary of Housing. Now she would really clean things up. I think Martha Stewart could have a profound effect, teaching (the homeless) crafts, teaching them how to do things like Christmas wrapping, for instance."

On Al Gore:

"When he was 10 years old, he could've have ordered steak 'n' hookers, and boom ?? it would've been there in five minutes. Meanwhile, the rest of us had to learn Spanish and wait two days just to get someone else's tray removed. So the guy's had it easy."

And Bush:

"For instance, Bush says he may or may not have used cocaine. Now, everyone knows that coming from Bush, that's a load of cr**. But when I say I may or may not have used a drug, we're talking legitimate ambiguity. I genuinely don't recall. And I think we can all agree that's the whole point of drugs. So you gotta be straight with people. You gotta tell the truth. I mean, you catch me in a big lie ?? catch me fair and square, on tape, say ?? boom, I'll admit it. And I'll be the same way with the American people. I promise on my mother's grave that I will never, ever, run with weasels."

Well, Mother may still be alive, because this race is bought and paid for by, and stars, the shiftiest weasels in our grand republic.

How bad could Duke be?