Hang On, Cranky-Pants Types: Spring's Coming

Those of us who have worn our cranky pants all winter are in danger of taking over the world.

There are even more of us than I suspected. A few weeks ago, I asked folks to unload their their common, everyday annoyances on me ? things like, oh, sitting in a McDonald's in South St. Paul, Minn., a week ago and trying to eat lunch while construction workers operated a VERY LOUD jackhammer INCHES AWAY FROM OUR TABLE. For a LONG TIME. Things like that. And then, when my husband complained, the restaurant's manager had the nerve to call him and ARGUE WITH HIM and tell him that he could have used the drive-through. (Not that I'm saying that such things would ever happen. I'm sure that McDonald's is far too sensible a company to allow such an annoyance, not to mention a health hazard, not to mention an argumentative, belligerent manager. I'm sure I'm just making it up. Maybe.)

But I digress.

People sent me their lists of annoyances with a will. With a vengeance, even. I ran the first batch a few weeks ago.

First, the obligatory self-serving fan letter (which also qualifies as justification for soliciting people's cranky-pants lists, in my opinion), from Deana: "I sit here at work on many a slow day and read your most recent columns (love 'Cranky Pants!') Thanks for entertaining me and letting me know that there actually are people out there who believe much the same way as I.

"My husband told me last night that he thinks that we get angry too many times over things and that maybe we should be nicer. I responded to him by telling him that I used to be that nice person. I could give people the benefit of the doubt, but when people look at me in my car attempting to get somewhere because I have multiple items on my to-do list, and they choose to ignore me waiting for them to get their slow selves across the street, I get irritated."

And now on with the crankiness:

• From Jo Ann: "When did 'drugged' become the past tense of 'drag' (i.e., 'Look what the cat drugged in!')? I have come across this situation so many times in Oregon, particularly among college-educated people.

  "And the past tense of 'sneak' is 'snuck'? What happened to 'sneaked'? He sneaked in the back door, yet people say, 'He snuck in the back door.'"

• From Andrew: "People (like my wife and her two sisters) who leave one sheet (yes, one sheet) of toilet paper on the roll and don't replace it with a new roll. You come along, sit down to do some major business, see there is only one sheet of toilet paper left, stop what you are doing (before you do it), search every bathroom cabinet and find no rolls of toilet paper, then have to zip up, crawl out and beg someone for a new roll. It usually takes everyone 5 or more minutes to find the new roll for you too. Must be genetics.

  "People (like my wife) who will leave two tablespoons of milk in the carton and place it back into the refrigerator. I pour a bowl of cereal and add the milk. Only two tablespoons of milk and no new carton to open. Down the garbage disposal goes the cereal and the two tablespoons of milk. When asked why she didn't use the two tablespoons, she replies, 'Well, my glass was full and I didn't want any more!' DUH!

  "People at work who come into the bathroom while you are sitting on the throne taking care of business and start talking to you. You know the commercial that says, 'Hey! Don't bother me! I'm eating!' Well, how about this: 'Hey! Don't bother me! I'm pooping!'" (Andrew seems like a nice fellow, if a little, um, preoccupied with matters of, um, excrement. And it might be time for a nice, big, clear-the-air ? you should pardon the expression -- confab between him, his wife and her sisters. Just a suggestion.)

• From Gigi: "I saw a lot mentioned about spelling and grammar. How about the brain surgeons who think an apostrophe before the 's' indicates the plural of a word? There is a store by my office that advertises 'Harley's for sale.' I see it everywhere, and it just makes my teeth swell.

  "My other favorite involves drivers, of course -- people who change lanes or cut in front of you going half the speed you happen to be doing at the time. Can't people judge the speed of ongoing traffic? People who turn out in front of you, when you can see from here to Albuquerque behind you and there are four other open lanes beside you, make me wish I carried a handgun in my glove box." (Don't mess with Gigi. Personally, she's one of my newest best friends.)

• From my pal and co-worker, Scott: "These Progresso soup commercials that make it sound as if people who 'still' eat Campbell's soup are some sort of mental defectives. The day some overpriced can of pseudo-Italian slop can give me the deep inner peace of a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle, I'll hang myself."

• From Jeff: "My biggest pet peeve (and more than likely that of anyone that knows the difference) is news anchors that, upon the death of an important person, say something along the lines of, 'The flag outside of the capitol will be lowered to half-mast.' For those that do not know, masts are located on ships! The correct reference to a flag lowered outside of a building would be half-STAFF!

  "Thank you for the forum to vent. If I can save only one anchor from embarrassing themselves, I will feel as if I have accomplished something." (I feel your pain, Jeff. For years, I have cringed whenever some bubblehead TV anchor chirps that someone "died of injuries sustained." Hello ? if you sustain your injuries, you're still alive. Period. Hop on the clue bus, OK? Here's a quarter.)

• From Roy: "On the subject of driving: Idiots who throw lit cigarettes out the window when they're done. Last I checked, the world is not your personal ashtray.

  "On the subject of work: New hires who have worked here a total of 10 minutes thinking they know the business better than someone who has worked in it for 10 years.

  "Back to the subject of driving: People driving expensive cars thinking they can drive any way they please because they have an expensive car.

  "On the subject of shopping: Customer service people that are rude and unhelpful. If you hate dealing with people, why are you in customer service?

  "On life in general: Three words: stupid inconsiderate people."

• From Teresa: "People who eat meat who say to people who don't, 'What do you eat?'

  "People who say, 'I wanted to touch bases' (for 'I wanted to touch base').

  "Cashiers who just stand there and look at you instead of asking for your ID. Not every store asks for ID when you write a check. The cashier should ask instead of just standing there. I have been known to just stand there too until they ask.

  "People who call YOU and then say, 'Can you hold on a minute?' Really! Don't call me up if you aren't ready to talk to me!

  "People who answer call waiting while they're talking to me. It's rude. The only exception would be if they are expecting a really important call and they have warned me.

  "People who call and don't leave a message when you don't answer. Almost everyone has caller ID now -- leave a message!

  "Drivers who are so timid that they constantly hit the brake pedal, even when they come to a green light. These people are always in front of me!"

• From Talford (who's going to be busted if any of his friends see this ? how many people are named Talford?): "Kids who work at a fast-food restaurant and can't count change or who just dump it in your hand and hope it's right.

  "People who wear industrial-strength perfume or cologne to a crowded basketball game (or football).

  "People who sit in your seat before you get to the game and when you ask them to move, look at YOU with a disgruntled look as though you're imposing on them.

  "People who tailgate even when you are going over the speed limit. I like to slow down to just under the speed limit and REALLY tick them off!

  "People who can't speak without using the word 'like' in every other breath.

  "AND ... on my really good days, when I am the most cranky, I just hate it when people are only fans when the team wins and can't be found under a rock when it loses."

• From Linda: "I put my blinker on to move into the left lane -- there's a van about four car lengths back. I check her position and then look ahead of me, confident that I can make my move safely. Suddenly, there she is, right beside me! She must have floored it to get there that quickly -- and then she gives me a dirty look as though I was trying to cut her off! To make matters more frustrating, two blocks down she pulls into the right lane to make a turn into a shopping center which she almost missed.

  "Trying to explain to your 9-year-old why normally even-keeled Mommy is muttering under her breath at a woman she doesn't even know!"

• From Kaatie: "Waitresses who refer to your group as 'you guys' even though she may see four females sitting in front of her.

  "People who respond to 'Thank you' with 'No problem.' A simple 'You're welcome' will do just fine."

• From my online pal Jackie: "I just have to say that I also hate people who put change on top of bills. That goes for in stores, too. Especially when you're in a crowded store and there are people around you and you just want to get your money back in your purse ASAP so you can pick up your stuff and go. Now that I work at Sears, I always try to put people's change in their hand first, and sometimes they actually look confused at this.

  "OK, one major gripe. My boyfriend drives a diesel new Beetle, and a lot of times gas stations have the diesel pump right next to the gas pump, so that people getting gas can block the diesel pumps. Inevitably, there will be, like, 10 gas pumps, and they'll all be free except for the two that have diesel pumps next to them, so we'll have to wait, and the people will fool around in their car and purchase stuff in the little store and all kinds of things.

  "Working in a department store, I must say that I hate people who come in a store at the very last minute before closing, trash the dressing rooms, ask you to do a bunch of stuff for them, and then if they're not ready and you close the registers 10 minutes after closing, they get mad. And I hate people who go in dressing rooms at any time of day and throw masses of clothes, all inside-out, all over the floor. And I hate whoever took out their bloody tampon and left it on the chair. Oh, and I hate it when I'm dealing with foreign people and I can't understand their accents very well and they start acting irritated, condescending, and like I'm stupid. Just because I can't understand their accent doesn't mean that I'm stupid.

  "I hate it when people ask if I'm going to college and then try to convince me to go when I tell them that I'm currently not. Or I'll say I'm trying to be a novelist and they'll say something like, 'Oh, if only it were that easy.' Excuse me, I never though it would be easy. I'm certainly not by any means trying to take an easy way out or attain riches. It isn't their business to judge my life decisions. What I choose to do with my life is pretty personal, and I really resent their implication that I'm making a bad decision or that I'm not talented enough to become a writer."

• From Bob: "I absolutely despise the idiots who are rude enough to bring a cell phone to a movie or concert and are rude enough to leave the ringer on. Then they have the audacity to answer it and have a conversation! Makes you want to buy a DVD player!

  "Could there be anything worse than the co-worker who doesn't respect personal space and stands over you to read your Dilbert calendar or won't end a quick "Hello-goodbye" conversation?

  "Well, maybe the complete idiot who takes up two parking spaces in a crowded lot beats Mr. Personal Space Intruder.

  "Then there are those wonderful clerks at the 'trendy' stores that snicker as you enter and quickly walk over to inform you that they don't carry that in your size. How could they possibly know that this is meant for you? (This happened to a friend of mine at a 'sexy lingerie' store in a California mall. She called and complained to the main office.)

  "People who know everything but prove on a daily basis just how stupid they really are.

  "Gas stations that raise their prices whenever the market changes. Did the price of the gas in their underground tanks just suddenly change? I thought they paid one price for that gas. This would be like buying a gallon of milk, and halfway through it the company charges you more to drink the rest because they had to raise the price.

  "Last one. Phone salespeople. God, I hate phone salespeople!"

• From Kariena: "People that do not excuse themselves from the restaurant to the lobby or restroom when their infant or child is wailing in my ear and ruining my night out! ESPECIALLY if it is a classy restaurant that is unaccustomed to having children in attendance at all.

  "People who hold information at work in hopes of bringing it out at the last minute, saving the day and becoming the boss' Golden Child.

  "People who ask me, being a vegetarian, if I only eat salad. Hello ? like rabbits crap out legumes or something!

  "Customer service people that have done a poor job, blaming it on the fact that the company they work for 'only has 100 employees and four floors of offices.' So what? Hire more. Don't give me a sob story as an excuse as to why they could not do the job correctly the first time!

  "Employees that have personal conversations about how unhappy they are at their job (where you are shopping at that moment in time) in front of you like you cannot hear. "

• And let's end with Alan, who made me laugh: " People who 'tailgate' me as I walk, assuming I have eyes in the back of my head.

  "People who do a 'neat little document' as a spreadsheet, when said spreadsheet requires possession of the application used for its creation. ('Look what I did on Microsoft Excel!' 'What about those of us who don't have Microsoft Excel?')

  "People who think that opinions are sacrosanct, and immune from criticism.

  "People who will not pay attention when an important announcement is being made.

  "Ever worse, people who talk so loud during an important announcement that no one around them can understand what the announcement is all about.

  "People who think 'enunciation' is how a novice takes her holy vows.

  "Anyone who tries to 'outrun' a trolley or train.

  "Those who will just not get it, no matter how clearly you explain something.

  "People who have to give something a negative review (movie, book, TV show, piano recital) even though they have no meaningful knowledge of the subject whatsoever.

  "Web sites with no purpose.

  "Web sites that haven't been updated since the Pleistocene."

Thanks to everyone who took the time to vent. Now take a deep breath, OK? Everything will be fine. Trust me.

• Past Culture Shocked columns

Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears most weeks in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.

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