'Dear Betsy, I Hope You Roast In ...'

Whenever I start thinking I'm an OK person, with something to offer society in general, there's always someone out there willing to jump in and tell me how utterly mistaken I am.

I've been writing "Culture Shocked" for more than a year now. Before that, I spent about four months writing a TV column called "Tubin'" for Internet Broadcasting Systems.

In that time, I've collected hundreds of e-mails from people who have read something that I wrote and felt compelled to let me know what they thought. I like getting feedback from readers. It's lovely to get complimentary e-mails, but it's almost more fun to get the nasty ones. They remind me of just what kind of scum-sucking slime I truly am.

The nasty remarks have stacked up in my e-mail to the point where it's long past time to purge. In fact, just this week, I received an anonymous nasty e-mail in response to the very first column I ever wrote for IBS -- a critique of Comedy Central's "The Man Show" in August 1999.

Here's the e-mail: "I am sorry for you. I can understand your bitterness towards 'The Man Show.' Being fat, ugly, and a bad but conceited television critic would make anybody bitter. Someday you might want to get a real job, lose some weight, and consider plastic surgery. That might help improve your self-esteem and broaden your sense of humor.

"I feel for you, and I will be thinking of you fondly while I watch 'The Man Show' continue to rise in the ratings. Our fans are the ones who have made it one of the top-rated cable television shows.

"God bless America!"

You know, this guy, awesomely patriotic as he is, has a point. I am now looking for a "real job," one like Mr. God Bless America obviously has, one that allows me ample time to write vitriolic e-mails to online columnists in which I spew forth bilious insults -- and to which I don't have to sign my name. Not to mention a job that will allow me to continue to live in my parents' basement and subsist on Pringles and Mountain Dew. Please e-mail me if you've got a job like that to offer.

Most of the nasty e-mails that I've collected were in response to several columns that I wrote last year about Dr. Laura Schlessinger and the controversy that erupted over her radio show and her subsequently basement-dwelling TV show.

Granted, I got about twice as many supportive e-mails in response to the columns as I did ones that sentenced me to eternal damnation, but the nasty ones were much more entertaining:

• "You show a profound lack of knowledge and understanding of God's Word. You really should learn a lot before you spout off your lack of understanding. How about 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' And by the way it does say that homosexuality is an 'abomination' to the Lord. And by the way he will have the last word." (That's no doubt true, unless this person -- also anonymous, by the way -- demands it first.)

• From someone named Dan: "Is your e-mail address really @abyss.com? Because your statements and rhetoric is truly abysmal. The fact that Dr. Laura speaks the truth and chooses to uphold morality and behavior to a higher standard should be applauded and honored. The dark road this country has gone down the past few decades of social decadence tends to line up with the standards you want to wallow in. Instead of criticizing Dr. Laura for her stand on issues, we ought to examine ourselves and realize just how right she really is because of the grounding of her faith. To limit her either on TV/radio would be against her First Amendment rights.

  "It seems that the First Amendment only seems to apply to the liberals anymore, (and) anyone who disagrees should be censured. This wasn't what our forefathers fought for in establishing this nation. If you have a problem with her, whether it be on TV/radio, most if not all equipment comes with an on/off switch. If you can't figure that out, blame the failing government school system that taught you the way to think, not how to think for yourself." (Translation: "If you can't figure that out, blame the failing government school system that taught you the way to think, not how to think just like I do, which is clearly right, and anyone who doesn't think that way is obviously an idiot.")

• From Gary: "I hate the sin, but will tolerate the sinner. I get upset because homosexuality is considered an alternative. I'm sorry, but it is not an alternative. Many millions of Germans were wrong about Hitler. Did you ever consider what you are doing is wrong? I have given it much consideration, and have concluded it is wrong. Read your Bible. If your parents were practicing homosexuals, you wouldn't be here. Thank your parents they were straight." (I do frequently thank my parents -- but for being open-minded individuals rather than "believe-like-I-do-or-you're-going-to-hell" zealots.)

• From Bill in Los Angeles: "Your article on Dr. Laura is a sad case of media distortion. You do not report honestly, you admit inserting 'black' in some bigot's quote giving no source and paralleling it to Dr. Laura's views on homosexuality.

  "You really should listen to Dr. Laura and not be so closed-minded. It might help you be more forthright and honest in your reporting. That would be refreshing in the media." (For the record: I didn't "insert" the word "black." I substituted it for an extremely offensive word that I'm sure people like Bill would never, ever use.)

• From Chuck: "I completely support and applaud Dr. Laura's comments/statements. I guess truth and reality sometimes can be painful." (Gosh, Chuck, you have no idea how right you are.)

• From the admirably succinct Richard, who didn't even bother to write anything in the body of his message: "You suck."

• From Doug: "I just read your article about Dr. Laura. I've listened to Dr. Laura for years. I have a few comments. I love how you support stopdrlaura.com. Let's see, that Web site is about censoring Dr. Laura. Oh, I get it. Someone tries to censor a gay person and the whole gay community freaks out. However, someone who disagrees with any aspect of the gay community and they need to be silenced. It sounds like the gay community is next in line behind Hitler in burning books.

  "Second, you clearly have never listened to Dr. Laura's show. If you had, you would know that she would never say something like or support those who say, 'You homos are an abomination and I hope you all get AIDS and die a long painful death. Here's a battle cry for you: "'Death to fags!"' as well as your other quotes of people that align themselves with Dr. Laura.

  "Lastly, you claim Dr. Laura is 'scary.' I think you're scary. First, you support censorship. Second, you think Dr. Laura hopes that homos die of AIDS. Lastly, you've taken the snidbits you've heard about Dr. Laura and think it is the absolute truth. I cannot believe you have your own column." (Yeah, boggles the mind, doesn't it? Especially since I have never before heard the word "snidbits." Live and learn.)

• From James: "It is outrageous degenerate people like you that have contributed to the moral decline of this nation. You obviously have no respect for Divine Law and prefer to ride the wave of deviant behavior to gain some notoriety and fame among the depraved. Have you ever had a decent thought? Are you capable of knowing one if it happened upon you? You are not hated any more than are homosexual people. You are obviously one of those deranged people who think contending for a standard of morality above the beast is hate. You are pitied because you are so far removed from decency, purity, and moral uprightness." (Hey, all you depraved folks! Send all that notoriety and fame this way! Worship me as your queen! Now we're talkin'.)

• From another one of those brave anonymous folks, complete with creative spelling: "Leave Dr. Laura alone. These are not only her beliefs, but the beliefs of million and millions of people in this country. Quears are Quears. I wish they would just go back in the woodwork. I don't care how they screw, I don't want to know about it, I don't want to read about it. Dr. Laura has the guts to speak her mind, you have to admire her for that. Who says you are any big prise to go to lunch with?" (True enough. But at least I don't have to have someone read the menu to me.)

I've received almost as many e-mails from people who didn't understand a column that I wrote about J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books and those who would censor them.

Just to clear things up: I love Rowling's books. I've read all four of them. I believe that they can offer only good things to the children (and adults) who read them, not the least of which is expanding one's imagination.

But a lot of people didn't understand my point. Here's proof:

• From Victoria, whose computer apparently suffers from a malfunctioning exclamation mark key: "Why do you hate Harry Potter so much? They are just books. Nobody is forcing you to read them! If you don't like them so much then leave them alone!!!!! And do you have to use inappropriate language such as 'damn' and 'bitch'? HONESTLY!!!!! You are not going to change the minds of Harry Potter fans at all. To be completely truthful I would say you were jealous of Harry Potter! As my grandma used to say, 'Act your age, not your shoe size!'" (You mean to tell me that Prince stole that line from your grandmother? HONESTLY!!!!!)

• From "anonomous," apparently also suffering from an overabundance of exclamation marks: "I think Harry Potter is the best book in the world. It should be read to EVERY child in the world!!!!! You can take your Web site and throw it in the trash because that is all it is .... GARBAGE! I say this for every Harry Potter fan: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! I hate how people can make such a mess over a book. If you have been evil ever since you've read the Harry Potter books I assure you that it is not the Harry Potter books doing it. You have let the devil take over your mind. I don't care what you say because I don't care about your opinion!!!! You can take your stupid attitude about Harry Potter and choke on it for all I care. If you have children or a husband then I truly feel sorry they have to put up with you. I love Harry Potter even though you don't!!!!!!!!!!" (Actually, it's not the devil who's taken over my mind. I think it's Prince. Or Victoria's grandmother.)

• From Sarah: "It's not Harry Potter's fault. It's yours. Where I live, almost everyone's read at least one of the HP books. They are clearly fine. It's your fault because you let it happen. You let this series get to your head. Don't go blaming it on others if you're starting to be nasty." (No, no. I'm not blaming it on others. It's Prince. Or Victoria's grandmother. Really.)

• From yet another brave soul who chooses to remain anonymous: "It is not fair that you judge Harry Potter like this. Nowhere in any of the books does J.K. Rowling suggest that you should run over old ladies or snarl at sales clerks. As for the lie about escaping the unhappy real life of some underprivileged children, what is the harm in that? Is it wrong to seek some distraction from their lives? I suppose you would rather children wallow in self-pity rather than keep them happy hoping for something that may not be actually there. I myself happen to be a 12-year-old fan of Harry Potter and I definitely am not feeling 'demonic.' I am pretty sure that you don't have any children and you are experiencing a stress outbreak and blaming it on Harry Potter. No person I know would say, 'Let's summarize that bit: Imagination is bad. Children who are unhappy should just put up or shut up.'" (It's clear that this person is young and has not yet experienced the benefits of wallowing in self-pity. It's only a matter of time, don't you think?)

• From someone who calls herself "anonymous (but very wise)," but whose name, Evette, actually appears in the "from" line on her e-mail, which appears to belie that "very wise" bit, don't you think?: "Nobody cares what u (expletive) people write about those books if u turned to witchery cause of them u r an idiot." (Hey, watch out, Evette. You never know what kind of spell I'll cast on you.)

• From Ken: "I agree with you. Well, um, about the burning in hell part, that is. I hope you find your Lord before it's too late." (Translation: "I hope you find my Lord before it's too late.")

Last February, I wrote a column about the Fox network's extremely ill-advised "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire?" special. Some people took exception to my views.

• From Rick: "My God, the show wasn't that bad. What makes you think you can sit here and call these people SLUTS?? WAAAAY out of line. If the suits at WCCO had a brain in their head they would be getting rid of you now." (Hey, at least I didn't use the word "sluts" to refer to the "suits." Give me points for that, anyway.)

• From Mike: "Any salient point you were trying to make about Rick Rockwell is lost when you use terms like 'misogynistic moron' and make allusions to the fact that he is a 'cockroach.' I have noticed that when small children are frustrated or angry, given their limited ability to express themselves verbally, will react by calling names. I can only assume that you are an adult, a frustrated and angry adult that lacks the ability to present her views in an eloquent and intelligent manner.

  "I have noticed this tendency in people of your ilk and I generally shrug it off because these are usually people that work at Kinko's and chain themselves to trees in their spare time. I don't know how you got your own column, but judging by the obvious shortcomings in your writing and your poor choices in subject matter, I figure that you must have a close relative in a position of authority." (As my esteemed co-worker Martin points out, does it strike anyone else as odd that Mike believes that someone who chains herself to a tree would work at Kinko's? I mean, wouldn't most tree huggers shun Kinko's? Just a thought.)

• From Karoline: "Apparently you were hoping for some sort of sympathy. I'm only familiar with your 'column' by virtue of the fact that I have subscribed to an e-mail edition of the WCCO news. But then, I would come across your so-called headline, and wonder, being a curious person, what does this woman know? New insights or factual info? No, I guess not. Just another wannabe with an opinion. So just how does one get a position such as yours, and get paid, as opposed to getting a real job? If I were younger and dumber, I would wonder if you knew something that what you consider the lowly scum don't know. Look at it this way. If X millions of people choose to watch a particular program week after week, or a particular special, perhaps you would do well to attempt to find out why, as opposed to deciding the designated viewers are somehow inferior to you." (There's that "get a real job" suggestion again. Makes me wonder what kind of job Karoline has.)

• The best response, of course, came from the allegedly multimillionaire groom himself, Rick Rockwell: "Interesting take on the 'Who Wants to Marry ...?' show.

  "But I think 'towering arrogance' is better illustrated by those writing about things which are out of their realm of expertise and understanding. Is that 'particularly vehement' enough for you?

  "Thanks for the laughs." (You're welcome, Rick. Any time I can make a comedian of your stature laugh, I feel that I have fulfilled my true destiny.)

Another column that generated tons of cranky e-mails full of misspellings was one that I wrote last August about Eminem, that staple of every easy-listening radio station on the planet and Elton John's new best friend.

• Here's the nastiest one, from someone who obviously feels strongly about the issue: "You can kiss my (expletive) you fat (expletive) (expletive) (expletive). If I ever see you on the street I will cut your throat (expletive)!!!" (I greatly appreciate this person's command of the English language.)

• From 15-year-old Sophie, who lives in England: "I have just read your comments on EMINEM! I'm so mad! You are the type of person who Slim raps about! You don't take into account the time and skill it took for him to think up them LYRICS! If you actually took the time to listen to what he sayin, not just all the cuss words, you'll realise that he has talent!

  "EMINEM has suffered, beaten up in school, a dad who never gave a toss about him and ran out on him, an unfit mother! It is no wonder that Slim retaliates in this way! I think that Slim has HUGE amount of talent! People who just diss him over his 'lyrical content' have nothing else to do but pick out all the negative things he raps about, but never the positive things!

  "I realise that you are entitled to your own opinion! But I also do! If you don't like EMINEM, then don't make a big deal of it, just don't buy a CD of his and don't listen to his music! By sayin the stuff you have you are only gonna wanna make Slim lash out more! You are causing his lyrics to be more VIOLENT! Just back of fand let him get on with what I think he does best! WRITE SUCH INSPIRING, DEEP, FUNNY LYRICS, AND LET HIM RAP!" (Ah, now the truth comes out. Eminem's deeply disturbed, violent, homophobic, misogynistic lyrics are my fault. Please accept my sincerest apologies.)

Finally, in the interest of keeping things in perspective, let's include just one e-mail from Matthew, who comes to praise me, not to bury me:

"I must admit your column is hilarious. Every week I read it. But the thing I love most are the idiots that write in and bitch about your column. The fact that they know how to 'write the e-mail' but they don't know how to use spellcheck is what gets me. Anyway, your column is great and anyone who earns a living poking fun at stupid people is a 'geenyus.' Keep up the good work and don't let the man get you down!"

So that's how I earn my living. Gosh, talk about job security.

• Past Culture Shocked columns

Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears most weeks in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.

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