Was David Stern The Lone Gunman?

Psst! Hey, buddy.

Forget about UFOs or the JFK assassination; the real conspiracy is in the NBA.

Commissioner David Stern is the man behind the curtain.

He is the master of puppets.

He is the godfather.

He is the one who calls all the shots.

If Michael Jordan does come back to the Association, it will really only be his first un-retirement because the 2½ seasons from 1993-1995 were an ordered hiatus as a Stern punishment for Jordan's gambling ties. You see, no one is immune from Stern's power.

However, the greatest continual sports conspiracy will perpetuate Sunday during halftime of an NBA playoff game. Stern's deputy commissioner Russ Granik -- Stern has stooges to do his dirty work and keep his hands clean -- will host representatives of this season's 13 non-playoff teams at a studio in Secaucus, N.J., for the 2001 NBA Draft Lottery.

The selection order for the NBA Draft was formerly determined by a simple coin-flip between the worst Eastern Conference team and the worst Western Conference team. Those two teams would choose first and second, and the remaining teams chose in reverse order of win-loss record. This ended after 1984, coincidentally after David Stern became league commissioner.

Stern implemented the made-for-TV NBA Draft Lottery in 1985. There was a draw between the seven non-playoff teams -- remember, this was before Stern expanded the league ad nauseum -- to determine the selection order. The NBA's hometown team, the New York Knicks, were awarded the grand prize: Georgetown center Patrick Ewing.

The lottery was amended the following year with a draw to determine only the first three selections. The remaining teams would choose in reverse order of win-loss record.

The process was tweaked again for 1990, with ping-pong balls determining the teams' fates. It was a weighted system that supposedly would give the worse teams more chances at the top pick. The NBA's stepsons, the New Jersey Nets, were coincidentally the worst team with the most balls and won the lottery. Sound good for NBA losers everywhere? Wrong. The 1990 New Jersey Nets remain the only team that has been awarded for its futility.

Stern clearly takes care of his own team pets. Early '90s expansion markets Charlotte and Orlando were obvious projects of his choosing.

In 1991, Charlotte received the top pick, which yielded UNLV superstar Larry Johnson. The following season, Charlotte was given the gift of a No.2 selection and chose Alonzo Mourning to complement its already solid lineup.

That same lottery in 1992 awarded one of the bigger -- literally and figuratively -- prizes in draft history, Shaquille O'Neal, who was sent to the Magic Kingdom. But the Magic's magic did not stop with that huge acquisition; despite one ping-pong ball with Orlando's name on it, the 1993 lottery was won by the Magic again. They selected man-child Chris Webber, only to shrewdly trade him for Anfernee Hardaway and a bevy of future draft picks from which they are still reaping the benefits -- although both O'Neal and Hardaway have been since traded. But this is like Powerball officials' disregarding the drawn, winning numbers and awarding the jackpot prize to Bill Gates.

Another lottery modification, which allegedly increased the chances of the teams with the worse records to win one of the top three picks, was implemented in 1994. This system uses a computer-generated list of 1,001 four-digit combinations and assigns them to the lottery teams. Four numbered ping-pong balls are selected for each of the top three picks. The worst team is given a 25 percent chance for the top pick, while the best non-playoff team is given a 0.5 percent chance.

The Chicago Bulls were granted the No. 1 pick for the 1999 draft. It is obvious the Association decided that a huge market and tradition-rich franchise should not wallow in futility for too long. The Bulls' foundation for the future was set with Duke forward Elton Brand.

Last season, the New Jersey Nets overcame a 4.4 percent possibility and were awarded the top pick. This should not have been a surprise because 1.) See paragraph regarding the 1990 lottery. 2.) Former Stern right-hand-man Rod Thorn left the Association for the front office of said Nets. Is this starting to sound familiar?

So, if you are a fan of small-market, bad teams like Golden State (20 percent chance for the 2001 first pick) or Vancouver-Memphis (12 percent), do not hyperventilate in eager anticipation for the halftime announcement on Sunday. You likely will be disappointed. But then again the clear-cut, No. 1 draft-worthy players are rare. The NBA Draft has become a crapshoot for potential.

Of course I know that the accounting firm of Ernst & Young audits the lottery and that 13 other representatives of the non-playoff teams observe the drawing. But they are all part of the cover-up. You know, all real conspiracies cannot be proven. If they could be proven, they would no longer be conspiracies.

Nor would it be as fun to speculate.

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Ryan Sirvio is a guest columnist whose opinions are regularly published here. When not obsessing about all things sport, he enjoys music, movies and spending time with his family. Feel free to send him an e-mail and let him know what you think of his latest musings.