I Want To Get Married

Dear Double Take,
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Until recently we had a long-distance relationship. However, we now live in the same state, city and house. It has been a huge adjustment, but the dust is starting to settle.
But there is one problem: We have been talking about marriage for two years now, and he still hasn't proposed. I really want to move forward with our relationship and he claims he does, too, but every time the conversation comes up, he says there are still problems that we need to work out before we can get married. I feel like this is just a cop out since I have heard this statement over and over again and the problems he brings up are things that every couple struggle with. He wants everything to be perfect before we get married. I understand you shouldn't go into a marriage with huge problems as they will just get worse, but our "problems," as he puts it, are things such as cleaning the house, etc. Do you think this is a cop out? Should I throw in the towel?
Dear Double Take,
I am a 36-year-old attractive, fun, self-sufficient woman who was married and divorced by age 24 and single ever since. For many years, I never considered another marriage, but now I am on a mission to be married by 40. This desire has increased since I've been dated my current man for about a year and a half.
I just love him to death, but he's recently resolved an ugly custody issue with his one daughter and ex-girlfriend and he has never had a desire to marry. He says we don't get along well enough to get married, so I am contemplating leaving for another guy who's a bit more ripe for the picking, so to speak. I am sure breaking it off with him will be justified, since we are not on the same road here. I can see what's going happen, though, and I wonder if there's any way to avoid it.
He does love me, and he would rather have regular sex and a pleasant companion than starting all over again. So if I break up with him, he's going to be thinking how great it was when we were together. I can't bear the thought of dating someone else and having him asking for me back. Is this a good strategy to make him realize he can't live without me, or should I move on and reject him completely? I have no desire to give someone the marriage ultimatum, but he needs to realize I am serious! How on earth could I even bring up the subject without it seeming like an ultimatum? I am at a crossroads, and I need to decide which way I am going to go from here. Forty is staring me in the face, and I want someone to call mine! I am not worried about finding another man; that's a handshake away. But I am worried about giving up on him and it biting me back for the rest of my life.

ALANA SAYS:

What we have here are two women, both of whom want to get married -- soon. One guy has said he isn't interested in marriage, and the other guy is just stalling. Another thing in common: These women haven't told their boyfriends that their relationships are hinging on an engagement ring.

You ladies need to weigh your priorities. Yes, you want to get married. Is the idea of marriage more important than the flesh and blood with whom you're spending your time now? It might very well be, which simply means you and your guy just aren't meant to be ... and you should give your boyfriend an ultimatum, or just move on.

But think about what you'd be throwing away. Would marriage change your current relationship that much, or would it be the same deal, just with a piece of paper? It takes work -- and fate -- to find someone who's a good match; someone with whom you want to spend your entire life. If you think you've already found your guy, perhaps you need to start considering the idea of a lifelong union -- without a marriage certificate.

EDDIE SAYS:

It's good that we get so many questions about "Should I marry?" and "How do I get married." It often means people are taking it seriously.

For some, that means becoming paralyzed by fear. That's the case for the first boyfriend. Sometimes the one-thing-after-another game of excuses just serves to string someone (usually the woman) along. More often, it's a legitimate fear. He's not sure if he's old enough, secure enough, responsible enough, rich enough.

These are excellent things to consider. But the biggest factor in any relationship is timing. When you find the right person and you hit the right age, sometimes you just have to take the plunge. Getting married isn't about knowing you're going into something easy and perfect. It's knowing that you've found the right person to do things with, and making a pledge to go through life together as you make things better.

And once you know what you want, if the person you're with can't or won't give that to you, then there's nothing wrong with saying, "It's decision time." People act as if a relationship doesn't count if it doesn't flourish naturally. That doesn't mean to be tricky all the time, but sometimes you reach crossroads and have to choose a path. You give someone the option of coming along -- and prepare yourself to set off on your own otherwise.

And except when someone has made a big life change, usually it's just retracing your steps, going in circles to return to someone.

If you want to go off toward a ring and the kind of life you'd like, you have to be prepared to keep moving forward.