No Cash = No Ring

Dear Double Take,
I have a boyfriend of five years. I would like to be married, and when we've discussed it, he claims that he would like to be married someday. I have spent the past two years waiting for my ring!
I was almost at the end of my rope when we had a conversation the other night that really threw me for a loop. He has always been fairly well off financially. But over the past two years, he has been battling with a past business partner and has lost all of his life savings.
I love him just the same, but apparently he doesn't feel the same way about himself. He blew up and yelled to me that I didn't understand failure, that he doesn't feel like a man, that he can't possibly take on any more responsibility -- such as marrying me -- until he gets out of this mess. He said he doesn't even feel worthy of living.
Of course my priority is keeping him from harming himself, but I am at the end of my rope, too. I get so much pushing from family members to get married that when you hear something often enough, you start to believe it. I'd like to tell everyone who mentions it to mind their own business, but deep down, I feel like it wouldn't bother me if I really didn't care.
Do you have any tips for me to get it across to him that it doesn't take money in the bank to make a man? Whether we get married or not is no longer my concern (although it is bothersome), I just want him to be happy regardless of his lack of wallet size.
Also, what do I say to people who push marriage and make me feel as though he doesn't love me?

ALANA SAYS:

The last thing on your boyfriend's mind -- as you know -- is getting married. He isn't in the right place for it, and to try to force him into it would lead to unhappiness for you both.

But as you said, your first priority is for him to be happy again. To that end, you need to be just as supportive as you possibly can. I know you probably are already, but in these cases, actions speak louder than words. Part of being supportive is asking about his financial problems, being a good listener and helping when you can. But the other part is to show him you love him just as he is and that you're happy with your relationship.

If you can help him keep his self-esteem up, you'll give him the will it'll take to get his finances back on track. And then eventually he'll be ready to think about marriage.

As for the people who are pestering you: Go with your first instinct. This is none of their business. They don't know what's going on in your relationship, and they can't judge.

EDDIE SAYS:

Alana's given you a good short- to medium-term plan.

But you should also keep in your mind a contingency plan. He had a few years of good times and never got around to the jewelry store. Does he really intend to do it at some time?

You don't need to dump an extra layer of drama on him right now, but it's fair to say, "I know things are tough right now, but I just want to make sure: Do you see us getting married once you get past this?"

If he says yes, you can take him at his word for now -- assuming you can handle putting those plans on the back burner for a while. But if he says no, be honest with yourself about if being a girlfriend forever works for you.

Dear Double Take,
I am 31 years old and I am almost eight weeks pregnant by a 24-year-old I have been with for two years.
This is my second pregnancy with him. I lost the other baby when I was five months pregnant due to an incompetent cervix.
He told me to get rid of the baby. He said that the same thing is going to happen again. He also told me that I am on my own if I keep the baby because he doesn't want a kid.
To prove his point, he came and took all of his belongings from my apartment and told me that I can do whatever I want because I don't have to worry about him coming around or trying to contact me. He said a lot of hurtful things, like suggesting I go get pregnant by someone else, since I want a kid so bad.
I'm just trying to take responsibility for my actions. He said that if I get rid of it we can work on our relationship, and if I don't, I'm on my own. Then he says, "So, what are you going to do?" I didn't respond and he left.
I have not spoken to him since. I feel alone and scared, but I am old enough to know not to chase someone who does not even want to accept the consequences of actions that he contributed to.

EDDIE SAYS:

Realize that whatever decisions you make about your baby, you don't want this guy as your boyfriend or husband.

That does not mean, however, that if you decided to raise the child he can be totally out of your life. His declaration that he wants nothing to do with the situation does not absolve him of responsibility. Of course I mean ethically, but he's also got a legal and financial burden here. You may have to be a single mom, but check with your local and state agencies about how you can make sure that he at least contributes financially.

You probably can't get any more out of him. That's fine. Sometimes the bare minimum is the best that you can do with other people.

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds like you're already on the right path. Heading into motherhood by yourself is definitely a scary notion. But going into it with a guy who obviously doesn't want to be part of it would be even worse.

Reach out to your friends or family for support. Find support in other places, too -- there are plenty of online networks for pregnant women, and you'll find people who can give you the support you're going to need.

It might seem wrong to let the father of your child walk away, but you're doing the right thing. Trying to force him to be part of this family would just cause unhappiness for all involved.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.