I'm Not Over His Cheating

Dear Double Take,
My husband and I have been married for two months after being in an eight-year relationship. Two months before our wedding, he admitted to me that he had a one-night stand with a woman two years ago. He said that he could not marry me unless he told me the truth about it.
Upon hearing this from him, I was devastated. I've always trusted my now husband, and I never would have expected this from him. I had never accused him of cheating throughout all of the years we dated, nor have I ever had any reason to suspect that he would.
At first, I told him that the wedding was off and that I could not marry him knowing what he had done. But after a very short separation, I thought that I could forgive him and we could move on with our wedding plans.
Now here we are, two months after our wedding, and I am miserable! I cannot seem to get over the fact that he cheated on me. I never bring this up to my husband, as I do not want to throw it in his face and cause an argument, but he knows that there is something wrong, and we are fighting a lot. He is also accusing me of cheating on him as a "pay back" for what he had done. He just doesn't realize how badly this is weighing on my mind.
None of my family or friends know about what happened, so this has all been bottled up inside of me. How can I get over what he did, and how can I stop him from accusing me of cheating? I don't want to be miserable the rest of my married life! Marriage is supposed to be about trust, and right now, I feel like there is none.

EDDIE SAYS:

Marriage is about a lot of things. Yes, trust is one of them. Communication is way up there on the list. That doesn't mean you always announce every thought or emotion that hits you, but when something is a big deal, you need to talk about it.

And when a huge issue continues to bother you after several months -- and it was apparently never resolved -- you need to talk about it. That may not seem like it could have much of an effect because it won't undo that one night stand.

Right now, though, the incident isn't your biggest problem. It's that you have kept it all bottled up. You may find that just being able to tell him that while you love him and are learning to trust him again, it still bothers you, it might release a lot of the pressure. It won't fix things immediately, but it will move you away from an explosion.

A few conversations may not undo all the damage, of course -- especially if he doesn't react well to it, since he thought it was over and done with, and doesn't want to refresh his guilt.

If that's the case, you may need to talk to someone professional about it, since you don't want to talk to friends.

Or maybe just telling Alana and I will help.

ALANA SAYS:

You've decided that you want to trust your husband again, but your emotions haven't quite caught up to your brain. That's understandable.

Eddie's right, though. If sorting through this issue is putting a strain on your marriage, you have to have a heart-to-heart with your husband. No wonder he thinks something's going on -- something is going on, after all; just not what he thinks.

When you talk to him about this, tell him that you're devoted to this marriage -- you just really need to sort out your feelings about the cheating incident. If you're completely upfront with him (while doing your best to avoid accusations or guilt trips), he'll come to see his accusations of your cheating are unfounded.

Dear Double Take,
I started dating my girlfriend 10 months ago, and we recently moved in together. Our relationship has been pretty good -- she is a great friend and companion. We share many of the same goals and have several mutual friends.
The problem is that her family is very religious and expects the person that their daughter marries to be so as well. It isn't that I'm not religious; it's just that I don't share the same passion for their beliefs. To make things more difficult, they recently found out that we live together, which they are very upset about, and that I have a lesbian mother, which goes against their beliefs. It has gotten so bad that they sent a local pastor over to my house to give us some guidance.
I really love this woman and I would like to marry her, even though her father has told her I would not have his permission if I asked. This situation has been a drain on both of us and shows no sign of ending. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this?

ALANA SAYS:

What does your girlfriend say about all of this? Does she agree with you on religious issues but let her parents believe she agrees with them? Does she defend you to them when they start discussing your supposed religious shortcomings?

My point is that this early on in your relationship, you shouldn't be proving yourself to her parents; she should be convincing them that you're the right guy for her. It's her job to pave that road -- although you can certainly help by being polite and respectful to them.

You aren't going to change who you are so they'll like you more -- nor should you. And you don't have to apologize for moving in with your girlfriend; that was her choice, too. That's her battle to fight. All you can do is continue to show them how much you love and respect their daughter ... and with any luck, they'll realize they have to come around if they want to continue being a part of their daughter's life.

EDDIE SAYS:

Asking for a father's hand in marriage is a very nice gesture. But it's not as if it's necessary anymore. So, he can make his point by saying no, and you and your girl -- if it goes this far -- can make your point that you're adults who have to make your own decisions and get married regardless.

I have to say that I'm a bit amused that you make it sound so terrible that they sent a pastor over. He wasn't carrying a baseball bat with a nail sticking out of the end, was he? So you listen politely, thank him for his time and point out that while you appreciate his point, you're both adults who have to make your own decisions.

That sound familiar?

Keep being good to your girl, keep talking about these issues if they're weighing on her, but don't assume that because people -- even important people -- disapprove that it will never work out.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.