Differences Doom Relationship?

Dear Double Take:
Do you think I should stay with someone knowing that we disagree on politics, raising children, religion, having kids go to a private school, abortion rights, firearms and legalizing drugs?
My friends tell me I am wasting my time with my boyfriend because they say he won't change his thoughts, and there are many other guys who are more similar to me in political ideology.
How do you know when you should stick to the guy or let him go? What are some signs that he is the one that you will marry? Maybe I am just infatuated with what he can be.

EDDIE SAYS:

The saying goes that politics makes strange bedfellows. But politics can also estrange bedfellows.

Many couples diverge when it comes to political issues. As long as they agree on things in their own homes, they decide to not discuss politics or to enjoy the battles -- and perhaps the intensity that can bring.

I say that your differences would be very big problems in a marriage; at least, one in which you planned to raise a family.

You didn't give us your age, however, so I don't know if that's your focus right now -- though it sounds like something in which you're interested. If you just want an interesting boyfriend with whom you'll always have something to talk about, stick with him for a while.

But don't do it if all those conversations end with you thinking, "When is he ever going to change for me?"

ALANA SAYS:

Your friends are correct in telling you he's not going to change his ideology.

Is that important? That's up to you. If you are indeed infatuated with "who he can be," you're in for some disappointment. But if you decide the things you agree on outweigh the divergence, there's no reason you can't continue on as you've been going.

Eddie's right in that some of those issues are really big ones to overcome, but marriages are all about compromise. One way to tell if the two of you can stand the test of time would be to tackle some of those issues and see if you can find some middle ground.

If you can't, you'd better start thinking about what you really want out of a marriage and whether you're willing to make some sacrifices.

Dear Double Take,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and he still doesn't say he loves me. He acts like it; he just can't say it.
He has only loved one woman -- his ex-wife, with whom he was in a relationship for 10 years. I'm his first real relationship since his divorce. We both are divorced with kids but spend all of our time together.
I saw that he wrote his ex once and told her that she was pretty. I'm not sure if he still is writing her. He sticks up for her when others say she did wrong. He knows how much it upsets me, but he doesn't change.
Am I stupid for sticking with this relationship? Should I just wait it out in hopes he can love me, or just end things and let him figure out his issues?

ALANA SAYS:

You say your boyfriend acts like he loves you. That's the best answer to your question. I'd be much more concerned if he told you he loved you but didn't treat you like he did.

It sounds like this guy is on good terms with his ex-wife. Even though it annoys you that he sticks up for her and apparently thinks highly of her, you'd probably be much more annoyed if they had screaming fits every time they communicated.

As far as telling you he loves you -- he's probably just a little gun-shy after his divorce, and he's being cautious. Try to keep your jealousy in check and keep watching for signs that he loves you; those mean so much more than the words do.

EDDIE SAYS:

You really have two problems here. The first is his refusal or inability to utter Those Three Words. It's not clear if you think he really can't say it or if that's just your analysis. If you haven't asked him about it, you should.

If you have, then you need to weigh what you get from being with him -- stability, help around the house, affection, companionship, etc. -- against hearing those words. Alana's right that how he is with you should be much more important than the exact phrases he uses.

He could give a little more, but if it hurts him a lot to be pushed and you can see past it, it might not be that big a deal.

The second problem is your petty jealousy about his ex-wife. That part I know for sure you need to get over.

Words matter, it's true -- but don't place so much weight on things he doesn't like to say to you or tiny things he says to her.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.