Why Did My Husband Forget My Birthday?

Dear DoubleTake,
My husband and I have been married for 6 years.
My birthday was last week and he has yet to simply say, "Happy birthday!"
Just a few days prior, he told me how selfish I was because he asked me to pick him up a pack of cigarettes when I was at the store. I forgot, but I offered to run down to the gas station to get them, but was told to forget it as he stormed out to his car.
The night of my birthday I was home alone with my daughter and our son, while he was out drinking with his best friend. He called me at 4:30 and said he would be home in a little bit. He finally arrived home around 9:30.
Mother's Day was forgotten about, too, yet he got his mother DVDs she wanted. Our niece's birthday was four days after mine and he remembered to tell me to pick up her gift for her.
I told everyone else that acknowledged my birthday to keep it quiet. I am curious to know how much longer it will take before he notices.
The thing that bothers me the most is that he would throw a fit and probably go see a divorce attorney if I was to forget his birthday.
Am I being forgotten about on purpose? Is he doing this to prove some kind of a point to me that I am not aware of?

BETTY SAYS:

Sounds like your husband is passive-aggressive and that he turns to alcohol and tobacco to help deal with problems.

Perhaps his anger has nothing to do with you. Maybe it's something in his past -- family, friends, lost opportunities, regret -- that's been keeping him in a rut. It will take some psychiatric treatment to find out what's going on there and if his dependency needs more serious attention.

But first -- be honest with yourself. How is your attitude at home? If your emotions are overboard as well, it's time for couples counseling.

In the meantime, I'd stop playing this "Sixteen Candles" game and calmly confront him about why your birthday got lost in the shuffle. You'll know by the tone in his voice and the look on his face if his excuse is sincere.

Then, if you feel safe, confront the issues you have about feeling left out of special occasions, your so-called selfishness and the example you both are setting for your children.

This rough patch can be smoothed out as long as both of you are willing to adapt and change as adults.

EDDIE SAYS:

If your husband knew for certain it was your birthday and declined to do anything, that could be taken as a sign he wanted to make a point or demonstrate his disdain.

More likely, however, is that he just forgot. There were other birthdays nearby, he has to remember his kid's birthday, probably an anniversary stuck in his head from some other woman, etc. That doesn't let him off the hook, but it renders all this analyzing about what he meant and comparing how he treated you to how he treats others moot.

You're assuming he decided to not get anything -- or didn't bother -- but he may not have realized it was time.

Missing your birthday may or may not make him a jerk, but your anger about it leads you to assume that unrelated things are part of a plot to make you feel bad.

Either way, by not giving him a way to even figure out that he missed your birthday, you're making it worse. So you do need to remind him, and you can even say you were hurt by it. Then go from there.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.