DoubleTake: He Loves, Can't Tolerate Me

Dear DoubleTake,
I've been seeing a man on and off for three years. When we are around each other, the chemistry is very intense and we long to touch each other. However, he's never really made any commitment to me; he says he loves me but can't tolerate certain things about me.
He's nearly 43 and I'm almost 42.
I'm in love with him and always made a point of wanting more out of the relationship, but we have never really talked about living together or anything of great future plans. He only talks about future plans for him only and his son. He's promised to take me places or buy me things but never done them, yet he was the one to suggest it in the first place. I feel like everything is always about him!
We have broken things off again for about the fifth time and he has not called or contacted me. We haven't spoken for about three weeks.
He is very competitive by nature and he is very organized. I'm more laid back, easy-going and not such a clean freak. He would ridicule my 15-year-old daughter about how lazy she is, and that put stress on our relationship. I have my own home, but I always felt that we were never good enough for him. He's a mama's boy who was handed money and given assets by his parents, owns his own place while I struggle to pay off a mortgage with no help.
Is it finally over? Was I just a toy to him? Our chemistry was fantastic, but afterward I would feel some kind of emptiness inside!
Should I contact him or just move on and forget about him?

BETTY SAYS:

Chemistry is fickle. It tricks you into thinking that what you've "got" with a person are the stolen glances and gleeful, heart-racing moments. Psychologists might tell you that it's nothing more than infatuation or lust.

Luckily, I think you realize what's going on here. The on-and-off status of the relationship, broken promises and his rude attitude toward your daughter are all signs that this isn't quite the loving place you expected to be at after three years.

Let this guy go. You don't share each other's values and it'll be much better once you're in a relationship where both people are working toward commitment and it's not all about him. You'll feel a lot happier being with someone who is more respectful and caring of your family.

And when he comes crawling back after a break -- guys like that always do -- be very careful with those empty promises. Don't let the intensity of your passion trick you.

EDDIE SAYS:

He does not think of you as just a toy. But he does think, "Well, she knows who I am. She knows what my life is like. If she chooses to keep things going with me, it must be good enough for her." And since it fits how he wants things to be, he continues as well.

He apparently doesn't lie to you about making changes to the pattern of your relationship, or even say things he can't come through on. He just puts it out there and lets you figure out what to do.

Because, at the heart of it all, you care a lot more about being with him than he cares about being with you. That kind of imbalance does not always kill a relationship. But the person with more at stake needs to be aware of it and make peace with it.

You either need to come to terms with it, or find a way to move on. Because he does not feel like he needs to make any moves of his own.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.