My Boyfriend Won't Say 'Love,' Get Married

Dear DoubleTake,
I am a 40-year-old woman who has been in a great relationship for a little over two years.
Here is the problem: He was married previously for 20 years and she cheated and left him. He knows that I want to get married, but he refuses to talk about it.
He says that he cares about me but has yet to ever tell me that he loves me. He treats me very well, and his actions shows me that he means it, but I am afraid to get any closer to him because I want more then he does.
Should I question him? I want a promise of a future. I don't want to continue to date him if I am going to pay for his ex-wife's mistakes. I am at an age where I feel the need to settle down with the person that I am going to grow old with.

BETTY SAYS:

He may never want to tie the knot again. Not because of you, but by circumstances that are beyond your control.

Strong relationships are able to go on when the communication is open and partners feel safe to speak their minds. I don't think you'll get what you want by stewing over this fear of talking to him about marriage.

However, if you give him an ultimatum, your entire relationship could be lost.

Tread carefully with this one. The right moment to talk about what you want for the future will come about, but make sure you do it kindly and without criticism of his ex-wife. He'll speak the truth, and then you can decide what to do.

In the meantime, be cool and enjoy this relationship without focusing too much on the heavy stuff.

EDDIE SAYS:

Why would you even think your relationship is ready for marriage if he isn't in love with you?

And even if he never wants to get married, you could still grow old together. You would want to get some things in writing to protect your rights -- and his -- and make sure you would be allowed to make decisions for each other, but a good lawyer could help with that. And it would probably cost less than throwing a wedding.

But you can't just default to that; you need to make the decision. You will give up some things, such as some people not viewing you as fully a couple, and maybe you think it will be a lesser committment or won't be as moral.

If the only arrangement that works for you is matrimony, then you should talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn't know how important you find the ring and societal approval and will decide to take the plunge rather than lose you. But maybe not, and you have to prepare yourself to move forward with either answer.

Since he has never said that he loves you, I think we can assume that he doesn't, which means he will probably say, "No marriage, no way." You'll have two good long-term options: continue on as something other than husband and wife, or back away and live your own life. The third option is muddling along, hoping he somehow changes his mind.

But that's kind of neither/nor situation will probably make you miserable over time if it's not what you want. As Mr. Miyagi said in The Karate Kid: "Walk on road. Walk right side, safe. Walk left side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later, get squish just like grape."

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.