Dear DoubleTake,I have been dating Ned for about 3 years. We are in our mid-30s. I have one 6-year-old daughter from my first marriage, and he has 4 children from his marriage.My issue with Ned is that he is not a go-getter and does not want to better himself in any way. He gets paid for working 45 hours a week and only works about 35 of them. He pays about half of his check to child support and goes out of his way to not make his ex mad at him. If she asks for extra, he gives in.I own the home we live in pay the mortgage and most of the household bills and cell phone bill. Occasionally he will give me a few hundred here or there, but nothing consistent.I do love this man and would love to have a future together but don't feel he is willing to work for us to have something better. I would love to sell my home and get out of the city, but he will not work overtime or get a second job to be able to pay for half of things, nor does he participate with half of the household chores.When his kids come over, he sits in the house if I don't make plans to do something. I do all of the cooking when they are over and he hardly spends good time with them when they are over.I do like to be in control of things, but it would be nice to have a break from this every once in a while. I have to worry about a ton of things and sometimes I get sick of being his mother.Am I too late to change this around? If not, what to I do to change this situation?
BETTY SAYS:Financial problems can be fixed. Character flaws aren't so easy.
Sit down with your man and go over your budget line by line, down to the penny. It's important for couples to be clear about who is responsible for certain bills. And if the numbers don't balance out, that'll be the perfect time to stress that he needs to work more hours to get things done.
If problems continue after the money talk's been had, you've got some compatibility issues to think about. People don't really change much over the years, and nobody likes to be pushed around. Figure out the budget, and if things are still bad, do some soul-searching.
Just know that if you stay with him, you'll keep being the "mother" in the relationship. It's whether you can laugh off his laziness and keep on loving him.
EDDIE SAYS:You need to ask yourself why you keep this guy around in the first place. If just an emotion is enough reason, then you have to accept these other things.
If you want a more engaged, helpful partner, this guy does not have much chance of morphing into that, assuming you have already explained to him how miserable you feel. (My guess is that you have explained it over and over and over.)
You could decide that whatever else he gives you in life is worth dealing with the areas he lacks. If that's your call, fine -- but you have to make that firm decision, embrace it and know that you're signing up for life as it is now.
If you can't be content like that -- and most people wouldn't accept it -- then you need to make a clean break and move on with creating the kind of life you want to have.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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