Woman Trapped In Dead-End Relationship

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been together with my boyfriend for more than five years, and it's just not going anywhere.
He's overly protective and is jealous and mean to my children -- including his own.
I can't have any friends. He always says he doesn't care and he has a bad attitude toward everything. He turns all conversations around to make me and the children feel inferior.
I am totally financially dependent on him because he doesn't want me to get a full-time job. It's hopeless. Please help.

BETTY SAYS:

Make an escape plan. Is there a friend or family member who knows your situation and can take you and your children in for a few days?

As soon as you can, contact your local domestic violence outreach centers to find out what kind of housing options are available. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, 24/7. Or, contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in your state.

Those resources can help you answer the tough financial questions. That said, file for unemployment and start searching for a job.

Leaving isn't easy, so don’t be afraid to ask for help from trusted strangers and loved ones. Be brave and stay positive for your children. A better future is ahead.

EDDIE SAYS:

You have a hard road ahead, but other women have done it. With determination, you can, too.

I hope others will also learn a lesson from your situation. Anyone can get fooled, but often people fail to see signs that their relationship is getting so imbalanced that they will have a lot of trouble getting out.

Relationships always have a division of responsibilities, but if you find one person losing all control of her life or ability to make her own decisions, it often means trouble looms ahead.

You have to give your heart in love, but you also need to let your head have a voice in decisions and not let someone else make all the important calls for you.

But everyone make mistakes and bad things can happen even with the best planning and the most caution. My hope for you and others who read is that you learn to keep your eyes open so that you can be more ready to protect yourself and address issues of independence as they come up.

Someone who doesn't trust you doesn't deserve to be with you.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.