How Can I Get Guy To Realize It's Over?

Dear DoubleTake,
I'm trying to get rid of a suitor in the nicest way possible, but he hasn't really caught any of my subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints.
It started out as some harmless online flirting, but for a few months it became kind of serious. He planned a visit, but before the trip happened, I realized I just wasn't that into him.
His visit killed what little spark there was left in our friendship. I don't want to be his friend, I don't want to be his crush. I want him to leave me alone. I was tempted to ask him to cancel the trip, but I found out he'd already paid his non-refundable fees, so I sucked it up and played good hostess for two weeks.
I've started dropping hints that I don't want to talk to him. If he asks if he can call me, I make excuses and change the subject. I've stopped answering his e-mails, but if I go too long without talking to him, he starts pestering my best friend, asking if I'm mad at him.
He's not a bad person and I don't want to hurt his feelings simply because he can't catch a stinking clue. Am I going to have to suck it up and tell him point blank that I don't want to talk to him anymore?

BETTY SAYS:

You and your best friend have done all you can do. End communication. Just say no to visits.

Of course he's not a bad person. He came, he stayed, you were a good hostess. But he was annoying and kept the e-pestering going even after his overstay. He crossed his boundaries. So it's OK for you to firmly draw the line.

At least he's far enough away so that he can't keep catching you at the coffee shop, right?

EDDIE SAYS:

A lesson you need to learn about men: We don't get hints. Subtle doesn't really work.

We don't all have terribly thick skulls. But we tend not to analyze every nuance of every conversation in the same way many women do, so we won't tease out patterns of behavior that might lead us to change behavior. If it was working before, we assume that we should continue to behave as before.

So if you think that subtle changes such as not being available will get noticed, you may be wrong. At least, he may not realize you're trying to toss him overboard.

Still, you don't have to threaten to get a restraining order yet. But you do need to set some rules and new expectations. For example, it's not quite as in-your-face to say, "Look, I just have less time for chatting and stuff. You can't freak out and bother other people when I don't respond."

Don't try to soften it with, "But I still want to talk," or anything like that if you don't mean it.

He may still not really get what you're doing, but he may realize he doesn't have to pester, and the time he used to spend on that may go toward finding new interests, which will make you less of a target.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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