Step-Mom Fights Kids, Their Mother

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been in a marriage for 3 years.
My husband has kids from a previous relationship, and I feel like when it comes to the mother of his kids he takes her side.
I have always tried to respect her, and I do more for the kids than their own mother. I spend time with them and provide the things they need.
But at the end, I appear to be the one who gets my feelings hurt.
I want to walk away sometimes and throw in the towel and just let them have it. The mother of his kids always tries to cause conflict in our marriage. She tells him lies, and sometimes I feel like he really believes her.
What am I to do?

BETTY SAYS:

Lies, conflicts and hurt feelings aside, she's the mom. Even if you stayed at home 24/7 to care for your stepchildren, she'd still call the shots. Unfortunately, you'll have to accept her intrusiveness if you want your marriage to survive.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Just set boundaries, albeit far ones, with your husband's ex. And if she oversteps them, don't just throw in the towel on your marriage. It has nothing to do with her. Your husband vowed to love you. They're divorced.

Find out more about these lies that she's telling him. Are they personally directed at you? If it's all part of her drama spin, I'm sure your husband can see through it. Try to be as calm as possible when you refute things she says. But know there are some battles you won't win.

All families have strife. You just have to grit your teeth and deal with them because the roles are set. Besides, they're family.

EDDIE SAYS:

I hope that when you got married to someone with kids from a past relationship -- apparently kids who live at home -- you didn't suddenly expect to be loved and adored.

Your disappointment makes me think that's what you had in your future, which tells me you don't do a spectacular job of thinking realistically about these things.

The thing to do at this point is reset your expectations. Yes, you still have a responsibility to treat the kids well and do your best to love them. That's part of what you signed up for when you got married. But don't think that the kids are necessarily going to run in smiling every day after school to eat the chocolate-chip cookies you just pulled the oven.

You've have to be content with getting your husband to understand that his ex is his ex for good reasons, that you're doing your best and knowing that you are being an adult who takes care of business.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.