Dear DoubleTake,My husband and I have been married 20 years. We met the same month he got his divorce. He has a grown daughter from the previous marriage. He also has a vindictive ex who has brainwashed their daughter her whole life.When she was about 13, my husband stopped making her spend every other weekend with us because it was a constant hassle.In one conversation the daughter and I had when she was about 21, I explained that we would not be able to spend as much on Christmas because her dad had retired and had two heart attacks and a stroke. She seemed to understand.The next day, the ex called my husband and said that I cursed at the daughter.For eight years the daughter has not wanted to be around us, especially me. My husband found out earlier this year that his daughter had changed her last name to her step dad's. The daughter also got married 2 weeks ago.My husband and I were asked not to attend the wedding and the ex's husband was listed as the father of the bride. Also, his ex's mother goes to our church.For 26 years, my husband and I have not exposed his ex's many affairs, though we have concrete proof. Would you do it now?
EDDIE SAYS:What good could possibly come from you exposing her adultery?
Would it make your stepdaughter love you or her father any more? Would people at church admire you for keeping such good records or her activities?
You might get that sick little thrill of revenge -- which is a normal thing -- but do you think that, in the long term, you would still get a kick from it? More likely, you would end up feeling slimy.
And you would almost certainly increase the drama and conflict level with these people. That sounds to me like the opposite of what you want to happen.
Your husband has apparently been treated badly here. But it's up to him if he wants to try to rebuild a relationship with his daughter. And, if you think he ever might want that, you calling out her mother as a whore probably won't help matters.
BETTY SAYS:Keeping the peace with your stepdaughter and her mom is the only way good things can come about in this family.
You won't be able to change your stepdaughter's perception of you after all these years. So, work on building a better relationship with her now. Invite the newlyweds to birthdays, holidays and dinners. If that doesn't work, write her a letter explaining how much you love and miss her, and that you hope she can stop by sometime and see her dad.
But don't bring up the wedding. It was her choice who she wanted to invite and who she wanted to give her away at the ceremony. Unfortunately, you'll just have to let that go.
And at least send her a gift if you haven't already.
Do what you can to keep her in your lives so that she doesn't slip away completely.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
