When Should Widow Remove Wedding Ring?

Dear DoubleTake,
Fourteen months ago, I took out a restraining order against my husband when his pain medication use became abuse and addiction. Our children were ages 9, 6 and 5 at the time.
Six months and a lot of legal problems later, the man I loved for more than 20 years died of an accidental overdose.
When is the appropriate time to remove my wedding ring, if such a time even exists?
The man who died was the addict; my husband actually started to leave years before. I was prepared to file for divorce in order to provide more stability for my children, but I always loved him.
I have not felt married for a long time, but I hate being a widow when I am not yet 40. Any suggestions of what to do with my rings? I'd like to do something that will not freak my kids out.

BETTY SAYS:

We're very sorry to hear about your loss and all that you've gone through.

Wear the ring for a while longer to maintain some normalcy -- in jewelry, at least -- for you and your children. It's traditional for a widow to move her wedding ring to her right hand after her husband's death, so there's the first step.

Mementoes are difficult to have around in the mourning process, though. If you find after a few months that it is unhappily encircling your finger and bringing you emotional pain, put it away in a safe place. If one of your children questions why you're not "married" anymore, explain that rings mark marital status, and technically, yours has changed.

This has been a tragic loss for you and your family, so take the time to grieve. Once the pain has truly passed, perhaps years from now, you'll decide on the right way to wear the ring.

EDDIE SAYS:

I have no idea what an etiquette book would say about when to stop wearing your ring. And it would not make much of a difference, anyway.

You'll take it off when you feel the time is right, when you think you'll be more comfortable without it. That can be now or months from now. You might not feel 100 percent sure you're doing the right thing, but major decisions often feel that way. Sometimes, you just have to decide to go over the wall when you think you're probably ready and start rebuilding.

As for your children: At their ages -- and with a few years without the good dad he once may have been -- I bet they won't notice anywhere near as much as you do if you don't make a big deal. Betty's right about what to say if they ask, but you don't have to hold a family meeting or make a ritual of it for their benefit.

You have many things to worry about with them regarding them losing their father, no doubt, but I suspect jewelry is far from their concerns.

I understand why you don't want to feel like a widow at 40. But don't get caught up in stereotypes about what that means. You don't have to sit staring out the window. You have a life to live and a family to raise, and that will keep you busy and bring you joy.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.