Accepting Her Past

Dear Double Take,
I am a 29-year-old male virgin, born into a Christian home with Christian values. I have saved myself for my future wife. I am having a problem with my fiancee, though, and I am wondering if it is normal.
She was also raised in a Christian home and has the same values, but she has had made the mistake of indulging in sexual sin. She had two steady relationships in which she slept with the guys on a regular basis. The first one she was engaged and the second was a drug user. She has also had three one-night stands, and her first engagement broke off because of one of them.
She has reformed from her ways and greatly regrets her past, but I still have an issue with it. Do you believe I can trust her to remain faithful to me in our marriage?

EDDIE SAYS:

You think of yourself as a big person for "forgiving" your fiancee for not acting as you would have liked before she met you, but your sense of mistrust because of it is so great that you write to strangers to tell them about it.

Since I don't share your rather reserved views on premarital sex, it's hard for me to say if that should be a deal breaker for you.

You've been willing to go forward with her even with Her Past, and now you just have to drop it if you want your relationship to work. That means not talking about how she sinned and reformed, unless she really wants to. You know enough, and now it's none of your business. You're either with her in spite of it or you aren't.

If her allegedly loose-morals way of life didn't carry over into the time you two have been together -- if she's refrained from partaking of you or any other men -- you should stop fretting about it.

When it's how she dealt with others, past performance isn't always an indicator of future results (like with mutual funds). If you're her future, stop worrying so much about Her Past.

If you believe that she regrets her past and is committed to living differently, then that should be enough.

ALANA SAYS:

It's great that you've lived up to your Christian values -- it's not an easy thing to do in this day and age, as your fiancee can likely tell you.

But how can you be engaged to a woman and distrust her so much? Has she done anything since your relationship began to deserve this? If you've decided to commit to her, you commit -- despite her supposed faults.

We all have parts of our past that we're not proud of. It often takes young adults a couple of tries to understand -- and then find -- what they want in a relationship. While you managed to get to this point without sex, please remember that you aren't the norm. Don't judge others because they hold different values -- otherwise you'll be holding yourself above the bulk of society, and that's about as un-Christian as you can get.

Your fiancee is only human. Forgive and forget about her past, and then start living your life together.

Dear Double Take,

I have known a much older man for about five years, and he has always flirted with me. I have always ignored his flirting, taking it as part of his charm. He is a very successful and divorced businessman, and he has always intimidated me.

I am a single mother of three small boys and was not looking to be in a relationship. But this man -- after making sure I was single -- made me aware that he has always been interested in me and wants to go out.

I am not sure if my attraction is to him or to his money. I know that I would not even look at him if he wasn't successful. I respect him and admire him immensely and that's an asset that can't be bought -- and one that my ex definitely does not have. But his age really bothers me; his children are even older than I am!

Should I go out with him and see what happens or just avoid the drama that his family will definitely throw at me for dating their father?

ALANA SAYS:

Money can definitely be attractive -- and I appreciate your honesty. When you have three youngesters to think about, you're not a horrible person for considering the financial aspect of a relationship.

But you do need to have some actual attraction to him -- or at least want to be dating him -- to weather the conflict you feel sure you'll face from his family. If you're considering going out with him only because he's expressed interest in you and because his bankroll might be sizeable, consider no more -- it's not worth it if your heart isn't into it. In fact, you'd be doing him a disservice if those were your reasons, and he doesn't deserve that.

If you're actually interested in this man and eventually become secure in a relationship with him, his family will deal with it -- even those adult children of his.

EDDIE SAYS:

I think you are at least somewhat attracted to him, since you mentioned the admiration and respect. Maybe the money gave him a way in the door, but so what? If his sparkling blue eyes or nicely formed chest were what got your attention first, it wouldn't be a big deal.

You've got some interest. He's got some interest. We're not planning a wedding or considering signing a pre-nuptual agreement here. Go out with him. If it turns out there's something deeper to explore, do that.

There's no reason to say his kids will "definitely" have problems, and it can't be known until the time comes. Deal with first things first.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.