All In The Family

Dear Double Take,

I recently got married to a man I have been seeing for five years. On my wedding night, my father spent a lot of time with my sister-in-law (my husband's older sister), who is divorced twice and lives with her 18-year-old son and ex-husband.
My father then proceeded to call her and try to become involved with her. When I found out he was interested in her, I voiced my opinion -- that it wouldn't be a good idea to become involved with her because she's my sister-in-law. I think that there could be issues that arise that might compromise the family dynamic. He has ignored what I have said and went out with her on a date.
He's 63 and she is 50 -- and I understand they can do whatever they want. I just think it's a bad idea. What should I do?

ALANA SAYS:

Well, I think you nailed it by saying "they can do whatever they want." They know how you feel about the situation. If they choose to go out anyway, there isn't much you can do about it.

And, really, why are you so afraid of their pursuing each other? It's true, the close ties might create a few issues, but there shouldn't be anything unmanageable, as long as you don't take sides when they're fighting or something.

If I were you, I'd try to see the glass half-full. It might be kind of fun to know your dad's girlfriend better than you otherwise might. And this could give you and your sister-in-law more time together to bond -- although I'd stay away from the "girl talk" when it comes to their relationship.

EDDIE SAYS:

Let's see ... if they get married that would mean that your father is also your brother-in-law. Your niece would also be your stepsister. If you then have kids, their grandfather would also be their uncle.

And I think that the now-18-year-old would be both a cousin and an uncle to your kids. But it's hard to tell at this point.

That's why this sort of thing is a bad idea. Family trees should have branches, not knots.

I know at your dad and sister-in-law's age, there's not likely to be any kids and none of this would technically be called incest. But it really does make things complicated; not just the relationship game I just played, but if things go bad.

I'd call it not a good idea. But again, practically speaking, there's not much you can do besides be polite and quietly hope it all works out -- or doesn't, actually.

Dear Double Take,
I am dealing with a serious issue at home. I have been separated/divorced for almost two years. I have been in a relationship for more than a year.
But my girls, who don't get to see their dad much, are causing problems. My 14-year-old daughter is very nosy and disrespectful. My youngest, 6, will not stop whining.
Their behavior is causing my boyfriend to not want to be around. He comes from a very strict family. I can honestly admit that my parenting skills are lacking, but I am trying to make a change in my children and myself. I don't want other people to not want to be around me because of this problem.
My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully. He is very concerned about the way my kids act. I am working on it, but I'm not at the pace I should be.
He remembers everything they do that is wrong and does not spend that much time with us as a whole. I know you are wondering why I am with him, but he is a great person and would be there for them if they would act like they are supposed to.
I don't know where to turn and thought I would ask for your advice.

EDDIE SAYS:

Understanding that it's your responsibility to raise your kids properly makes me have hope for you.

What cuts into that a bit is the fact that you seem to think it will be quick and easy. Your kids have been through a lot. For a 12-year-old girl, seeing her parents split up and her mom take up with someone new -- apparently moving in together -- would be a big shock.

If you don't remind your kids over and over again that you love them first and above all else, you're setting the stage for trouble. But that doesn't mean there aren't limits. The 14-year-old should be mature enough to be told that while she can be inquisitive and ask whatever she wants, moms are allowed a bit of private time and space.

Now, you've got this man who is probably good for you, and probably trying to do his best in a difficult situation. But he needs to understand that if he's going to be a long-term presence, he needs to start acting like it. That means not avoiding things when they get rough -- though if he says he thought he could handle it but was wrong, you need to let him go.

It's up to you to get your kids in line -- as much as you can with a teenager, anyhow. But you also need to let your partner know that part of his role is raising the girls, not abandoning them.

ALANA SAYS:

If your boyfriend were truly a great person, he would be helping you with the girls. Have you asked his advice in disciplining them?

After more than a year, this guy must have rather serious intentions, or he wouldn't still be around. You need to have a little chat with him about your future. If he's in it for the long haul, he needs to get involved.

If he bows out -- or if you sense he might never get over this distance he's put between himself and your girls -- the discipline problems don't end. You might consider getting some sort of help in developing your parenting skills. See if you can find some sort of support group in your area.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.