My Man Won't Marry Me

Dear Double Take,
I've been seeing a guy for a year and 7 months now. He is 36, and I am 21. Neither of us have been married, nor do we have any kids.

After 6 months of dating, he started talking about marriage and children. Now all he talks about is how he doesn't want to get married and have kids. My attitude never changed in our relationship to suddenly make him not want to do those things.
We are very much in love with each other and extremely compatible -- we hardly fight at all. Every time I talk about moving on, he woos me back and tells me how much he loves me. I'm very confused. If he doesn't want to get married eventually, why doesn't he just let me go? I'm still young enough to meet a life partner eventually. I don't understand.

ALANA SAYS:

Well, I think I understand. Your boyfriend is one of the following:

Faking his feelings. He's trying to throw you off track so you don't expect it when he proposes. (Remember Chandler on "Friends"?)
Afraid of the commitment of marriage now that you two are serious enough to actually make it a possibility.
Serious about never getting married, but wanting to keep you around -- i.e., having his cake and eating it, too.

OK, the odds of No. 1 are pretty slim. And if it would, by some chance, end up being No. 1, you're in good shape.

No. 2 is workable. If you haven't yet, sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what he wants. Ask him why he used to talk about marriage. What changed his mind? With any luck, his answers will give you more direction.

However, if his answers suggest that the issue is No. 3, it's time to pack up. If you want to get married someday, you certainly don't have to settle to be the forever-girlfriend of a guy who's just going to string you along.

EDDIE SAYS:

You've almost certainly got a No. 3 on your hands.

You may never understand why he's changed his mind. He probably doesn't know. Could be that he was putting on a front. Could be that he saw friends get married and multiply and he realized it's not what he wants. Could be that he was lying at first because he knew you'd want to hear it.

Let's assume he's being honest now, because telling a hurtful lie doesn't seem to serve him well at all.

Asking why he wouldn't just let you go is a softball question. He likes you. Probably even loves you. That's true, whether or not you have the same visions for your life. He wants you around, just doesn't want to get married, for whatever reason.

You need to stop worrying so much about the whys, and deal with the facts. You want something that he doesn't. If it's important to you to be on a path with marriage and kids -- as much as any of us can choose those things -- then you need to get away from him and move on to your own journey.

Dear Double Take,
My spouse and I have completely opposite schedules. Most of the time we don't even cross paths all day. The time we have is limited to a few hours two or three times a week, tops.
Once in a blue moon, we have an entire day off together, but that is normally once every few months.
My problem is that somewhat frequently he wants to hang out with his friends during the time we could otherwise spend together. If he wants to do this, it upsets me.
Typically, the things he plans with friends can be done at any time, like going out for a drink or just hanging out. When we had similar schedules I had no problem with us having time apart from each other; I think it's healthy and necessary in a relationship. I just think that right now, how much time we spend apart is unhealthy, and we need what little opportunity we have to be together to reconnect.
Am I being selfish to think he should spend time with them when he and I are unable to see each other and spend with me what little time we have with each other?

EDDIE SAYS:

Since it's my job to represent the male mind here, let's step back for a minute and look at what your husband is thinking:

"Hey, I have a really busy life. I need time with her, but I also need time with my friends. It's hard to get everyone together, and she'll always be there."

Not saying he's right for thinking that, but he is doing it (though probably not in those words).

You didn't mention fighting about it, so my guess is that you didn't mention to your husband this is bothering you. When you bring it up, he may be a bit ruffled and defensive at first. Give him time with it. He'll probably eventually realize you're right, and start spending more time at home. But if you make it a big deal every time he goes, it'll become a big thing about "independence" in his head, and then you'll both just end up frustrated.

Just mention it, and say you don't think it's selfish for you, but the best thing for your marriage. Then give him a little time, and he'll come around.

ALANA SAYS:

Yeah, Eddie's probably right with his theory that a lack of communication is fueling this frustration.

Although unlike Eddie, I'm betting you have made your feelings known -- one way or another.

It's all about approach. Next time this issue comes up, hold yourself back from flying off the handle or from giving him the silent treatment. Instead, tell him you enjoy spending time with him and feel like you need to spend more time together as a couple to keep your relationship healthy.

Perhaps it would help if you made specific plans for the times you know you're both free. If it's twice a week, you're in charge of planning what to do one day, and he's in charge of the other day. That doesn't mean it has to be dinner and dancing -- but maybe you could spend time painting the bathroom or renting that movie you've been wanting to see. If he knows you're planning on it, he'll probably be less inclined to take up the guys' invitations.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.