Bye-Bye, Married Guy

Dear Double Take,
I am having an affair with a married colleague who over the last 10 years has become a very close friend. Our relationship is mostly friendship, but there is a very strong attraction between us. We both recognize the attraction and the fact that it is wrong for us to act on those feelings, but somehow we just can't stay away from each other for very long.

Until now, our relationship has never taken us outside the office to be together. We talk at work, go to lunch together, walk to get coffee, e-mail one another. On the weekends, we converse through e-mail or talk on the phone. Shortly before he got married, we kissed for the first time. Since then, we have had several other occasions where we have kissed, but it has not been frequent. This type of intimacy lasted for more than a year, and then we finally slept together about two months ago. While it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, I feel really bad about it now.
Everything is right back where it was before with us -- we talk at work, e-mail, etc. I honestly have no idea how he really feels about me. Maybe it is just sexual, but I don't think it is. I have never told him I'm in love with him and he has never said it to me. In fact, we both make an effort to tell each other that we are not in love with each other. I think we are both in denial. He even called me on his wedding day to talk to me.
I hate to lose him, but I feel saying goodbye is the only way for us to not continue this affair with each other. It hurts even more because I have to say goodbye to one of the best friends I have ever had. Do you have any advice on how I could salvage the friendship, or is it gone forever? Or should I tell him how I really feel? I don't think the latter is an option -- he is married and I don't want to be the reason his marriage ends.

ALANA SAYS:

You obviously know the answer here, and I'm not going to foster any illusions of hope for a happy ending.

You're not willing to break up his marriage, and he's not willing to do so, either. For your own emotional health, you need to stop things -- now.

I'm also pretty sure he's not going to be the one to end this. He has a pretty good deal -- a girlfriend who isn't pushing him to get a divorce, and a wife who apparently suspects nothing. Yes, you're friends, but you've crossed the line. There's no crossing back without the constant threat of overstepping the line again.

It's interesting that you've put your own love life on hold for so long to foster these daily talks and e-mails -- and occasional kisses. I have to imagine you've been through all of this in your head already. You knew how it was going to end up.

It's time to re-evaluate your personal life and start looking for someone with whom you can share this kind of bond who isn't committed to someone else.

EDDIE SAYS:

I've always been a big believer in the idea that you can still be friends with people you've been physical with.

From the sounds of things, your little adulterer is able to keep himself under control. He feels -- or has felt -- something for you, but is able to set some limits for himself and stick to them.

That's why he's happy with things. He's not cheating anymore. It sounds like that's enough for him.

You, on the other hand, are still pining away for him. We don't know if he's lying about not being in love. We do know that you're lying. And what for? I'd guess it's because you know that he's being honest, and you don't want to scare him away.

To sum it up: You're still putting your life on hold for something that isn't going to happen because he doesn't want it to. I can't tell if you should continue to try to be friends with him, but you certainly need to find a new partner for your romantic intentions.

Dear Double Take,
About a month ago, my wife of 14 years came back from a trade show trip for her company and dropped a bombshell on me. She told me that although she never thought of herself as a "touchy, feely" person, she has discovered that she now desires passion and feels she could be passionate with someone else.
She thinks she can't share it with me because we have never truly had it. She said that although I am a wonderful husband and father in every other way, she didn't know if we should stay together.
I told her that I love her desperately and want her and only her; I am confident we could achieve passion together.
I learned she had feelings for her boss, who is worth tens of millions of dollars. She told me they had admitted they have feelings for each other, but they had only talked and prayed together; I learned the next day that they had been alone in a hotel room and had at least been kissing and fondling. Since then, they have severed all ties.
She has told me that she hasn't been sexually attracted to me for many years and that she has only been pretending to be happy. She said that for a long time she has enjoyed her time away from me more than the time spent with me.
We are professing Christians and know the right things to do. My wife acknowledges that the Lord may punish her for her actions, but she can't bear the thought of pretending with me any longer. She is unwilling for us to go to a councilor or a sex therapist together.
Can you please tell me if there is any hope?

EDDIE SAYS:

There's always hope.

The question is this: Is there a reasonable hope that things will get better.

There could be. But your desire for change won't be enough. She has to want it.

Sometimes a person may not be able to make the change, but will make an effort to find out. Your wife says that she won't even do that. So she's either waiting for a miracle to just change her feelings one day, or she's really just hemming and hawing as she plans to leave.

Sounds like you are the one praying for the flash of light, she's just waiting for the right time (or the courage) to make that final break.

Keep trying to convince her, but bear in mind that she's more than leaning out of the door. She's standing on the porch, and your fingers clasping her arm -- and a fear of divine retribution -- are the only things keeping her around.

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds to me that, in her mind, she's already separated from you.

She's been thinking these things for a long time, dealing with the feelings and even moving past them -- and has only now summoned up the courage to let you in on all of this.

Although certainly not comparable to 14 years of marriage, I was once guilty of realizing problems in a relationship, wrestling with the pros and cons, and coming to a decision to break things off. The guy in question didn't see it coming at all, and he tried to convince me to give things another try. But I stood firm -- after all, I'd given it a lot of thought.

Yes, as Eddie says, there's always hope. But her mind is made up. Make sure she knows that you want to work things out, and then give her the space she wants. Maybe the alone time will make the reality of her decision sink in and make her re-evaluate all this thinking she's been doing.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.