Guilt Trips Aren't Always Bad

Dear Double Take,
My fiance and I have been together for seven years. He has two teenage daughters.

While they were young, they came to visit every other weekend. They moved to a city about 25 miles from us and developed new friends in that community.
About two years ago, they started canceling their weekend visits with him due to commitments with their friends. He did not want to deny them their time with their friends, so he always let them do what they wanted.
Last year, they started calling him on the Thursday before their visit to cancel.
He tried to change his weekend because he loves them very much, but his ex-wife refused. Now that the girls are 13, they only call when they need money for something, and they have not seen him in going on nine months.
He is very upset about this, but does not want to put a guilt trip on them. Help me help him.

EDDIE SAYS:

When people found out I was going to a have a daughter, they said I'd be wrapped around her little finger. I do adore my little one. But my wife often has to remind me that she's young and needs some leniency.

Sometimes, when I correct her, she goes to bed and cries for a bit, saying she's sad that she misbehaved. This, of course, causes small cracks in a loving parent's heart. But it also makes me happy and proud. People should feel bad when they do something wrong, and it's up to parents to teach them what behaviors aren't proper.

So you should tell your husband that he's well within his rights to let his kids know that he's hurt by their actions and that he wants things to change. In a way, it's his duty. And if he lets it slide too long, he'll lose touch with them as they get busier and busier and more independent.

He needs to take steps to work around their schedules, of course. But he also needs to remember that guilt can be good.

ALANA SAYS:

It's not likely his girls are canceling their weekends to be malicious or to purposely hurt their father. They're kids. They need to be told about the effects their actions are having.

That said, chances are the girls are getting busy with friends and extracurricular activities. Maybe there are other ways for your fiance to find time with them. Next time they cancel, you two could volunteer to take them out to breakfast one of those days. (Chances are they're not busy all weekend, right?)

And he should be sure to attend any sporting events or other extracurriculars he can. It might mean more bench time than face time with the girls, but it goes a long way in showing that he has an active interest in their lives. Once he gets back in touch with their interests, he can offer to do other activities with them that they might find appealing -- whether it's going to a movie, a baseball game or the beach.

The girls are getting older and are able to make more of their own choices -- so now is the time for your fiance to let them know how much he really wants to be on their priority list.

Dear Double Take,
I am a 24-year-old male, soon to be divorced with two little girls (5 and 16 months). I have been with my wife since we met in high school seven years ago. She left me with our first child, who was almost 3 at the time, for someone else, and a few months later decided to come back. Now she has decided again that someone else can make her happier than me and left two months ago.
Since the time she left, she has tried to do everything in her power to make my life miserable. She has tried to have me arrested and even tried to get the state involved with the kids, saying that I was not taking proper care of them, which I am.
She calls about once a week and rarely visits, which is the same as the last time she left. She is wanting to take the kids out alone and refuses to have someone with her, and I have a problem with this. I want someone I can trust with her. The man she is with is a drinker, and with the things that she has done so far, I am just afraid she is going to take off with the kids.
She told me that she wanted to get a divorce after she left and wanted just to see the kids every now and then. I went and had papers drawn up for a divorce and also so that she could see the kids and have them alone for a few hours once a week if she wanted to, and now she says that she does not want to sign the papers.
I have a few questions: Why is there so much hate on her side, even though she was the one who decided to leave even after I told her that I wanted to work it out but was not going to play second best to someone else? Do you think that I am wrong for wanting someone I can trust with her when she wants the kids alone? Why would she not sign the papers, or even read them for that matter, if it gives her what she wants?

ALANA SAYS:

Well, I have to give you credit. For as frustrating as this situation sounds, you don't seem to harbor much anger toward your wife. Or if you do, it doesn't come through in your letter.

Keeping in mind that Eddie and I are far from qualified to offer you any type of legal advice, we will take a stab at trying to help you figure out how to deal.

Firstly, those papers. Maybe she's looking for a conflict; maybe she wants to irritate you. Or maybe she doesn't know what she wants. It could be that she's avoiding the papers because she isn't ready to take such a final step. In any case, ask her -- specifically -- what she doesn't like about the divorce papers and try to find some common ground.

Secondly, she should (and does) have every right to visit her kids, but the new man in her life doesn't. If you're uncomfortable about him, by all means, insist that he's not around when the kids are visiting. However, if she hasn't hurt the kids, I'm not sure you can insist that she alone needs supervised visits. You trusted her alone with the kids two months ago, didn't you?

As far as her overall "hate" goes, I don't have much of a guess. We are, after all, only hearing one side of the story. It could be that you made her angry unintentionally. Or maybe she's just generally mad at the direction her life has taken. Who knows.

In any case, good luck. I have a feeling it'll get worse before it gets better.

EDDIE SAYS:

It's rare that we get to say this to someone who comes to us: You're doing the right thing.

I'm not sure it's realistic to try to dictate who your wife brings around the kids, though. You can try to get it into any divorce or separation agreement, but we know how far down that road you've gotten.

I really, really hate to analyze people since I'm not a psychologist and don't know the patient, but it does seem like the anger and stubbornness have little to do with you.

You're on the right track. Keep your lawyer and any local agencies informed of the progress. Keep notes of any dangerous behavior.

Stay calm and know that you're setting a great example for your kids.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.