Online Guy Hints At Bye-Bye

Dear Double Take,

I am most confused. I met a guy online, and after initial e-mails, we started chatting with instant messages. We found out that we had a lot in common and had amazing conversation. We eventually started to talk about meeting. I was going to fly from Washington, D.C., to Toronto, where he was living. When I e-mailed him to confirm if the invitation still stood for the dates we had talked about, he informed me that he just accepted a new job in Calgary and that we would have to reschedule. I was fine with that and told him to call or write me once he got settled there.
When we finally spoke again, and I began to hint at rescheduling our meeting, he started behaving in a distanced way and has not brought up the subject of meeting again. I recently told him that, due to his silence lately, I sensed that he wants to get on with his life in Calgary and maybe has met someone else. He responded by asking me if I thought that he did not want to talk to me because he has not been available much lately. I responded very directly by saying that I thought he had lost interest but that, if that was not the case, I would like to know when he would be available to talk. He responded that, due to his busy schedule, he is not online much but when he does get online, he will look out for me. Is that not an obnoxious answer?
What happened here? Did he lose interest because of the distance? If so, why not just say so? Why continue to communicate with me and act interested? Should I just stop communicating with him altogether?

ALANA SAYS:

This sort of evasiveness usually means one thing: He's trying to let you down gently.

Why did he change his mind? Who knows. As you -- and anyone else who has ever become good friends with someone online -- have probably found, that sort of online world is completely separate from the "real world." You can get really sucked into that online world, but it doesn't always mesh with what's really going on in your life.

Maybe he met someone else during his move. Or maybe he's just making a bunch of new friends or working extra hours. Or perhaps he's afraid to mix his "online world" with his "real world."

In any case, this distance he's giving you is a definite hint. Back off completely. He knows how to get a hold of you; if he does hunt you down, you can decide at that point whether you want to start things up again.

EDDIE SAYS:

In the classic teen movie "The Breakfast Club," the more worldly kids ridicule Anthony Michael Hall's character Brian for claiming to have a girlfriend in the Niagara Falls area of Canada.

This is the opposite. Your guy claims to be in Canada, but seems not to want to get pinned down on the other details of his life. Which makes me suspect that he's not telling you the whole truth about something.

Maybe it's that he really moved for his wife's job. Maybe it's that he's not what he told you he is physically.

Either way, Alana's right -- there's nothing confusing here. He's giving you as many gentle hints as he can that he wants to have computer contact with you, but the physical world won't see any touching.

This isn't to say that everyone seeking matches online is virtual-only. But that's what this guy wants.

I've always said that men won't take a hint, no matter how obvious. Apparently, some women have the same problem.

Dear Double Take,
My 32-year-old Caucasian daughter has an African-American boyfriend. They have a child together who is now 2 years old.
My husband refuses to have anything to do with the boyfriend, so, in retaliation, the boyfriend forbade my daughter and our granddaughter to have anything to do with us.
It has been more than a year since I have seen either of them. I am caught in the middle. I don't have a problem with the boyfriend, but he has my daughter convinced that we are former KKK people.
I miss my granddaughter. I was a part of her life for a year, and we bonded. My only hope is that my other granddaughter, who is 9, will tell her about me and she and I will get to continue that bond.
I also miss my daughter. We were close before all this. Is there anything I can do?
My husband isn't about to have a change of heart. Do I have legal rights as a grandparent to see my granddaughter?

EDDIE SAYS:

There may be legal options. However, grandparents' "rights" is a new field, laws vary by state and -- here's the real point -- threatening to sue or bring in the authorities is not going to get you any closer to your real goal. Sure, maybe you'd get some tense, perhaps hostile, supervised visits with your grandchild, who would then get a full dose of misplaced resentment.

What you want is harmony and a slow return to the peace of before.

To get that, you probably need one of the oldest tricks in the book -- persistence. Write your daughter and her boyfriend a letter. Keep it casual, and at the end mention that you love them all and that you hope to see them soon. Next week, write another. Then another.

After a few, try some casual calls. If that goes well, arrange an outing of some sort.

I suspect that, with time, you'll see some thaw, and convince the boyfriend that you have no problem with him.

Sounds like you'll have to leave your husband behind, though.

ALANA SAYS:

Eddie nailed this one. The legal route would only cause more damage. Ease your way into their lives as best you can, and play the peacekeeping role as well as you possibly can.

Also, it sounds like you're harboring some resentment against your daughter's boyfriend, too. Obviously we don't know how you know that he has "forbidden" your daughter to have contact with you, but make sure you didn't jump to any conclusions.

If you attempt to regain footing in your daughter's life and she sees this resentment, she'll just lock you out again. You have to honestly be willing to have an open mind about her boyfriend -- and as you've probably come to find out, you have to be very careful not to pass judgment.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

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