Improper Pet Names?

Dear Double Take,
I have been remarried for about six months to a great guy who loves my 10- and 12-year-old boys and does a lot of fun things with us as a family. When my ex came to pick up the boys, their stepfather hugged them both, and when the 12-year-old said goodbye, he said, "Goodbye, honey."
I didn't even think about it, as he calls me and them by all kinds of pet names -- some silly, some sweet.
When my ex brought them back, he told me that he didn't appreciate their stepfather treating them like babies. I asked what he meant and if maybe the boys had complained to him. He said that the way my husband fawned all over the boys when they said goodbye ruined his whole weekend.
I will not mention this to my husband because it would crush him, and I think the only problem is that my ex is jealous of the close relationship. But it did start me wondering if most other men with sons or stepsons that age still use hug and kiss them and call them sweet pet names.

EDDIE SAYS

A lot of men probably wouldn't do this, even with their biological children. Especially boys.

We could theorize forever about what this says about us men and our silly macho ways. I'm sure someone else can do that better than I.

What I can tell you is that your sons aren't quite of the age where this is likely to cause massive social fallout, especially if your new husband knows to keep it for family time, not when picking the boys up from practice.

There will come a time -- and it's probably not far off -- when your sons will likely ask Dad to treat them more like men. And he'll have to adjust, as all parents do as their children grow and test out new roles in the relationship.

But it will probably be good for everyone that they had this time of closeness and security.

ALANA SAYS:

If the complaints are truly coming from your ex and not your sons, I don't think you have anything to worry about. As long as the boys don't mind the way your husband expresses himself, there's no problem.

However, you might want to keep an eye out for your boys' reaction to that kind of attention. If they start appearing uncomfortable -- or if it does happen in public -- you might want to bring it up with your husband.

As far as your ex goes, perhaps you should remind him how lucky the boys are to have a stepdad who cares about them so much. Eddie and I hear far too many stories of parents -- both step and biological -- who don't offer nearly that level of caring.

Dear Double Take,
My boyfriend has been raising his daughter alone since she was about 22 months old; she is now 11 years old.
He is a great father, but I disapprove of one thing. He wants to keep her young -- which I understand -- but the way in which he is doing it drives me crazy. She sleeps in his bed every night in her underwear; she disrobes in the middle of the living room or kitchen, never in private; she walks into the bathroom when he is going, and he goes in the bathroom to check if she washed her hair good enough, and so on.
I've tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what they are doing. What can I do?

ALANA SAYS:

First of all, remember that you aren't the parent. While your concerns are sincere, the bottom line is that as long as the child isn't suffering (which she doesn't appear to be), your boyfriend has every right to parent the way he sees fit.

At age 11, his daughter will soon reach the age where she'll want her privacy. Until she gets there, though, there probably isn't any harm in what's going on.

One thing you could do, though, is let the girl know you respect her privacy (whether or not she wants it). If she's disrobing in the kitchen, you could get out of there. You could be the one who always knocks before entering the bathroom. You could maybe even give her some cozy pajamas for her next birthday.

But be careful not to enforce your parenting style on someone else's child.

EDDIE SAYS:

There's nothing wrong with nudity in itself. It's not inherently sexual, and there's not necessary risk of confused boundaries in families that are comfortable without clothing.

Try telling that to the world, though. We're expected to keep our clothes on, for better or worse.

I said that some families can bend those rules. And I stand behind that. But behavior has to change when outsiders come in the picture. You're the stranger, and however close your boyfriend feels to you, he needs to make it clear that things should be different when you're around, especially since it makes you uncomfortable.

The co-sleeping isn't really your business when you're not around. The strip-downs in the public areas of the house are, though, a bit. And, frankly, it seems a bit immature on the girl's part. I won't get into whether this is just an attention-getting maneuver now that there's someone new around.

But it's not appropriate. I don't mean that it's bordering on some kind of illicit behavior. It's just rude, the same way that ignoring or insulting you would be.

So, approach it from that angle with your man, and see the point that you're seeing a bit more than you need to.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.