Black Eye Botches Romance

Dear Double Take,
I started dating this guy four months ago, everything was going great until ...
Two months into this great thing, I accidentally hit him in the eye, which turned into to a huge argument. My feelings were hurt, so I didn't answer his calls for the rest of the day. We didn't talk for about a week. When we did, he told me he was done with me. He also informed me that I had given him a black eye. He said he had been teased by his family and friends severely and that things would never be the same between us.
We have been seeing each other again for a little more than a month now. However, it just isn't the same. I have forgiven him for the situation. I understand his pride or whatever is hurt, but my goodness, will he ever let it go? He says that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, but then he will start acting distant and weird and say he just can't forget.
I really like him, but the presto change-o thing has got to go! Will he ever get past this? If so how long could it possibly take? HELP!

ALANA SAYS:

At this early stage in your relationship, you and your boyfriend are still defining your roles and finding your footing. As part of this role definition, you've come out as the aggressor.

OK, that might be a bit of a simplification, but look at the situation from his point of view. He was teased by his loved ones by being hit -- albeit accidentally -- by his new girlfriend. Of course his masculinity was threatened.

I understand you may have been angry by the fight that ensued, and you say you've forgiven him. But have you apologized for your role here? If it was accidental, you have no reason not to be entirely apologetic for the situation. Make sure he knows how sorry you really are.

After you make your feelings clear, the two of you need to agree to let the issue rest. If he still can't let it go, I guess it's up to you to determine how much of a detriment it is to your relationship and whether you want to deal with it.

EDDIE SAYS:

My feeling (and hope) from your letter is that you and your boyfriend are young. I'd peg you at about halfway through high school.

Often, relationships at that age are volatile. I don't mean violent. Just lots of ups and downs, silly things bringing things to a close, an emotional reconciliation, lingering feelings being used to get out again.

This is all normal. It's a time to try to get close to someone, but also to learn when things aren't worth the effort of fixing.

With the short tenure of this pairing, I can't see how it's worth the hassle. It's too bad it didn't work out, but it didn't.

I bet you'll be more careful with those flying fists next time you're with someone new.

Dear Double Take,
I am married to a man with a son from a previous marriage who lives with us. We have always paid for everything. He visits his mom occasionally. There have always been troubles, and she constantly creates issues.
The son is graduating high school and is excited about going away to college. We discussed the expenses with him, and he said that his mother had volunteered to help. I told him I would contact his mother when he made a final decision, and we would make it work.
Then, his mother said she couldn't help with tuition. It upset my stepson, so I called her to see what the problem was. Essentially, I spent two hours listening to her problems with her boyfriend, how she is worried about her future, and how she is really upset that my husband refuses to listen to her. (He stopped communicating years ago because she only talks about the past and believes he should have stayed with her even after her affair.)
I just don't understand how a mother could care about anything except showing her son her support financially, whatever she can actually afford. She even added up every receipt she has spent on him last year -- down to dinners, acne treatment, shampoo, jeans and holiday presents.
My stepson is devastated because he thought she did those things to show her love for him, since she has never paid a dime of child support.
I want her to show him she will come through for him. Should I call her again and explain what she is doing to my stepson? Or should I just stay quiet and let my stepson figure it out on his own?

EDDIE SAYS:

Sometimes, no matter how well you act, you get stuck between options that all have bad sides. Calling the mother makes you seem like a nag. Ignoring it would be clueless and heartless to a confused young man.

But you also have to avoid saying, "Well, honey, your mom's just a crazy woman," because that's falling off the high road, and because he probably still loves his mother and wants her in his life.

It sounds like you are close to your stepson, though. If he's old enough to be on a matriculation hunt, then he's at the age where likely has the maturity to discuss this a bit.

For you, it means walking the narrow path of sympathizing a bit with your nemesis. Perhaps you could put it this way: "I know it's hard, but I think your mother is just reacting badly because she can't help as much as she wants."

That confronts the reality that you and your husband need to help him financially without demonizing dear old Mom.

Don't worry -- he knows who he can count on when things get rocky.

ALANA SAYS:

At your stepson's age, his relationship with his mom is between them, and you should do your best not to get caught in the middle.

However, the issue still remains: You need an answer from her. Is she going to help out at all? If not with tuition, with living costs?

I'm not exactly sure how far along in the college-decision process your stepson is, but when you have the financial information in front of you, get your numbers together and let your husband's ex know what the details are. Don't push or judge her; again, her finances aren't really your business at this point.

Then assure your stepson that regardless of his mother's financial commitments, his education will be paid for, whether it's by you and your husband or student loans.