Roommate Wrangling

Dear Double Take,
I am 20 years old, and I live with two women who used to be my friends. They are both 35 and previously lived together with just the two of them. Three months ago, we all decided to move in together -- despite the fact that everybody who knows me and my roommates knew it was a bad idea.
The thing is one of my roommates is way over-controlling and the other is her sidekick, going along with whatever she says. Before we moved in together, the problems already started. They left me out of the decision-making about what houses we would look at and wouldn't include me in appointments. So, back then I said something and made myself involved.
When we found the house we wanted, it was decided I would take the smallest room. They were even shady when it came to giving me a key and letting me go to start moving in just a few boxes! So, when we got moved in, the girls decorated how they wanted to ... and to my surprise, even redecorated my room one day, saying they just didn't like how I did it.
From there, my annoying (controlling) roommate would knock on my door constantly to "check on me," sit on my bed until I fell asleep, even when I made it clear I didn't want company. One time I was leaving the house and I told her I wanted to be alone and she insisted on coming.
The last part of the problem that sent me over the top is now that I have a boyfriend there is a new rule: I can't have people over during the week. Even though I get off of work two to three hours before them, they don't want anyone there when they get home because they want to relax. But we all pay equal rent, and that is ridiculous.
So, we had a big falling out over this, and it was two against one. Their parts were over-dramatic and over-rehearsed. I finally said I don't agree with it, but I will respect your wishes. But now I don't want to respect it anymore. It aggravates me everyday that I feel like I am so restricted and monitored. I've resorted to staying at my boyfriends and my moms just so I don't have to deal with them. I only go by there once or twice a week. My name along with theirs is on the lease, and we have until Thanksgiving until the lease is up. What should I do?

ALANA SAYS:

Why is it that so many problems arise when women are living together?

While not as extreme as your case, I've had all kinds of roommate issues -- most of which I've chalked up to my type A personality. But women are catty and backhanded; it's just part of our nature, I guess.

So the fact that you're having trouble with your two female roommates is in itself no surprise. The fact that you're having trouble when your friends and family knew you would -- and when you saw warning signs before you took the plunge -- is to be expected.

You talk about these older women placing restrictions on you -- but if they're treating you like a teenager, it's only because you're letting them. What are they going to do if your boyfriend comes over during the week? Ground you? As you said, you're an equal partner in this living arrangement, and you should be able to live as you please -- within reason, of course.

Start standing up for yourself now. It'll result in some ugly cat fights, but if you don't stand your ground, it'll be a long, long time until Thanksgiving.

EDDIE SAYS:

Eleanor Roosevelt is often quoted as saying, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Why do you put up with this treatment?

I'm also curious about how they enforce their rules on you. Social disapproval and a bad vibe in the house can be enough to shame someone into different behavior, and that could stop you from bringing the boys by. Not sure why you would simper quietly while they move your stuff around.

That's something for you to think about, however, once you've found yourself a new living arrangement.

How quickly you make that happen will say a lot about you. Or, as our gal Eleanor said: "A woman is like a tea bag -- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

Dear Double Take,
My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, and we have been together for almost 14 years. When we got married, everything was great. We shared money, responsibilities and ideas. I am a very strong-minded and independent woman, whereas my husband is a go-with-the-flow type of guy.
Over the years, I have worked multiple jobs to make ends meet while he stuck with one, most of the time. Now my husband goes to work, plays on the computer and goes to bed.
He never helps me out around the house, nor does he want to get "physical." We have no kids and I have always wanted them. He did, too, when we got married, but he changed his mind.
He feels that I don't respect him because I am always nagging and yelling at him. I work full-time, go to school full-time, take care of all the household duties and take care of things such as oil changes, getting loans and groceries.
He provides a paycheck and spends very little money, and I get to shop as I please. But am I supposed to sit back and continue to do everything by myself? I want the time and love and help.
I feel like I am being punished. We go nowhere together, and we do nothing together.
He considers us spending time together as us being in the same room with each other. We never talk. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to talk to him, and he says I am just being stupid or annoying. Has our relationship peaked? Should I just move on?

EDDIE SAYS:

Some people call a man who doesn't do anything to help out, doesn't show appreciation and isn't even the main money-earner a bum. And what's the common expression? "Throw the bum out."

I'm not going that far yet. Clearly, he's drifted into complacency. It's not a good thing, but understandable. Just like you don't hate him, but your emotions have clearly floated into resentment.

And drifting away from contentment is actually leading you into deeper, murkier negative feelings.

Your relationship is on a downhill slide. That doesn't mean it's reached the highest point it can ever attain. But you have to reverse the trend to see if your coupling has another summit remaining.

To do that, you need to find a way to be honest with your husband about what you're feeling (and get him to really listen to those things). Then he can react, and either change or not.

Then you can make your decision if it's time to cast off your ties and set sail on your own.

ALANA SAYS:

As you describe your relationship with your husband, I can't help but think of my parents. Although they're happily married, my mom handles just about all the day-to-day house stuff -- including cooking, cleaning, maintenance, etc.

Although she has come to terms with the arrangement, she has expressed some bitterness about it and says she should have set higher expectations of my dad earlier in their marriage. Instead, she said, she just did everything -- it was easier than arguing.

That said, you can still try to change those expectations. But "nagging," as your husband sees it, probably isn't going to do it. Keep trying to talk to your husband. Express your feelings. Come up with some tasks you'd like him to help with and activities you'd like to do together. One sit-down isn't going to heal your marriage, but opening the communication line is a major first step.

If your husband is completely unreceptive, it's ultimatum time. Perhaps that will shake him out of his complacency.