Disrespect Goads Neighbor

Dear Double Take,
My family and I live in a wonderful country community. We have a large backyard where we keep four little pet goats. Our back yard has a fence around it with a wooden fence going around the outside of that. We wanted to make sure the goats disturbed no one's property.
The problem is the back neighbors.
When a storm dropped a tree from their yard onto our fence, they had the grandchildren remove the tree that morning so that we wouldn't know what had happened. Children who come to visit them climb the fence and hang on it. It has been broken in several places and boards have been pulled off. The neighbors never mention it. We watched one child pull one of the boards off and leave it in their yard. It was dumped back over the fence by her mother.
When our goats chewed on their camelia bush, they had no problem letting us know about that, which is why we have two fences now. It makes me feel like they don't think our property deserves as much respect as theirs. It isn't as if I'm demanding money. I just want them to bring the boards back and deal with their visitors.
It isn't that we don't like kids. Our daughter is 11 years old and has never treated their property this way.
How do you deal with neighbors like this? They are older, respected members of the community, but I'm not feeling much respect for them.

EDDIE SAYS:

Your neighbors do sound a bit thoughtless and unwilling to own up to unpleasant things. Situations in which we look bad make us all cringe.

So, your neighbors could stand to be a bit more forthright.

From their view, though, I bet these things seem minor. It's damage that can be repaired -- and they even return the materials. Each time eats at you, though, and builds up, because you expect them to act differently and suddenly realize what you want.

But they never will, because you've set the expectations low. Something happened, they handled it in a low-key manner, and you let it slide. They think that's how you want to do things.

You can swing how this is handled in the past. But you have to be the one to do something uncomfortable -- confront them next time there's a problem.

I don't mean scream and blame and demand payment. Just a call or a note to say, "Look, there's been some damage. It's no big deal, but I'd appreciate if you could get the little ones to be a little more careful. And please let me know if you see any problems."

Leave the past out of it, and understand you may have to do this a few times before they get wise.

And if that doesn't work, run some current through the fence.

ALANA SAYS:

The relationship between neighbors is a touchy one. You don't want to alienate them, but you don't want to be trampled on, either.

But by the sounds of it, you're being trampled.

A confrontation is in order, but try to make it an amiable one. Focus on the dangers their grandchildren face by playing on the fence and with loose boards and nails. Neighborly concern will go over much better than accusation, and simply making it known that you've noticed the problems will go a long way toward sending your real message.

Again, though, try to keep it cordial. You don't want an enemy in your back yard.

Dear Double Take,
I've been in a long-distance relationship with a guy for almost a year. I recently found photos on his laptop of two different girls kissing him on the cheek. When I asked him about it, he snatched the laptop away from me and said the photos were from two years ago. But the photo file said that it was taken only a couple months ago -- exactly the same time that he was away on vacation in Shanghai.
I asked him to pull up the files again so that I could point out the date to him, but he wouldn't bring the photos back up. He said that those were some random chicks at a bar, and that his friend told those girls to give him a peck on the cheek so that he could take a picture. I said there must have been flirting going on beforehand. He said that he wasn't going to lie, and that when he's in a bar and he sees a pretty girl, then he's going to converse with her. I asked: "Do you flirt with her?" He said he wouldn't say that doesn't happen. Then he added that one of the girls gave him her e-mail address but he never e-mailed her. He said I shouldn't make a big deal about it because if there was something going on, then she would be calling him or e-mailing him.
I am up in arms about this. He lied about the date of the photos, which makes me wonder what else he has lied to me about. He was lying with evidence right in front of me! Is there any repair to this breach of trust? Not only that, but I am also very doubtful about the seriousness of his level of commitment to the relationship. Isn't going out to a bar and flirting with another girl then getting her e-mail address the same as picking up a girl's phone number at a bar?
He's been calling me constantly since this incident, but I haven't picked up the phone. What am I to do? Can this relationship be repaired or saved?

ALANA SAYS:

It takes guts for a guy to tell his girlfriend that he may or may not be flirting with hot women at the bar. But I don't think your boyfriend is being brave. I think he just doesn't really care what you think. Either that, or he's trying to make you jealous for some reason.

A long-distance relationship is hard enough without having to question his honesty and level of commitment. If your boyfriend's story is true, it sounds harmless enough -- but he should have told you about the incident if you were dating at the time. The fact that he didn't may very well mean his story isn't entirely true.

I think you're wise to be wary of this guy. That's not to say you should never forgive him, but make it clear he has a long way to go to earn back your trust.

EDDIE SAYS:

There's no shady and defensive behavior on a guy's part that can't be made worse by your overreaction and punitive actions.

He may be hiding a vacation-long string of flings, affairs and relationships. He may be obscuring five minutes in a bar because he wants to spare your feelings (and because he can't just tell you to separate the small stuff from the true transgressions).

Either way, your situation requires a lot of talking and understanding if it's going to work out.

If you won't even take his calls when you're upset with him, then there's not much reason for him to explain himself -- it should just be over.