My Brother's Secret Life

Dear Double Take,
I recently put a monitoring program on my computer to keep track of my preteens' online activities. I found out something I never wanted to know, though.
My brother and his wife, who have been married less than a year, have been staying with my family. Last night, I found screen shots and other evidence of a secret life my brother has been living. He is visiting dating Web sites and, even worse, sent an e-mail to a man he said he has "been with" before, wanting to "meet up" with him.
I would normally have no problem with such activities, but my brother is married to a very nice woman. I fear he could harm her health and destroy her emotionally. No person should be cheated on, lied to or otherwise deceived in a marriage. This isn't just a matter of cheating -- it's a double life that could potentially become dangerous to his wife.
I don't know if I can keep this to myself. But I cringe at the thought of having to reveal something so devastating that would almost certainly destroy their marriage.
Right now, she doesn't even have a place to live. But I would throw my brother out in a second and let his wife stay with us if this comes out and he refuses to get help for his issues.
Should I tell her? If I should not tell her, what can I do with this information? It's making me feel awful!

EDDIE SAYS:

Many of the letters we receive come from folks who are in situations of their own making, or that they could fix if they would just see it with a clear eye. You, clearly, just got mixed up in something that you didn't want any part of.

My tone may sound like this is easy to handle, but I know that it won't be for you, and for that I'm sorry.

For your own sanity -- and the reasons you noted -- you have to bring this up. I don't think your first move should be toward your sister-in-law, though.

Go to the source. Tell your brother what you saw. Let him make his denials and excuses, then tell him why you don't believe them.

The next step is your call. You could give him an ultimatum and a timeline to tell his wife -- or you will. Or you could just let that be the end of it. But don't make it your place to tell her, and don't make him somehow try to prove he's stopped. It can't be verified.

Some will say that this is none of your business. It shouldn't have been. But it fell into your lap, and now you need to get rid of the burden.

ALANA SAYS:

I agree with Eddie that you should confront your brother first, but if he refuses to tell his wife about this, I don't think you should just let it go.

This is a deep, dark secret that his wife needs to know. It would be wrong to keep her in the dark -- only to have it come out down the road, after years of deceit and perhaps even children in the mix. And you certainly don't want to be the one who knew the truth all along and kept quiet about it.

Deal with your brother first. Include an ultimatum that he tell his wife -- or you will. After she knows about it, excuse yourself from the situation and just be supportive to whomever and however you feel is right.

Dear Double Take,
I'm about to get married to the man of my dreams. We were best friends first, then we started our relationship. I really want to start a family right after we get married, but he doesn't. He is insistent on having a huge savings account first. We both make decent money and really don't have any financial trouble. I plan on working after we have a baby. How can I explain to him that it's OK to start a family even if our savings account isn't six digits?

ALANA SAYS:

I've often heard that few people are ever really financially "ready" for a baby -- and that when the baby comes along, couples just make it work, moneywise.

Your fiancé probably knows all of this, and he probably isn't really hung up on the financial burden of childbearing. My hunch is that it's a handy excuse.

Getting married is a huge step -- and pretty scary for a lot of people. And to a guy who only recently decided it was time to tie the knot, the thought of having a baby is perhaps too much adulthood to fathom. Your fiancé probably just isn't ready for the baby part yet, but maybe he doesn't think that's a good enough excuse -- hence his savings account requirement.

Get married first. Give him a little time to adjust. Then bring up the baby thing again.

EDDIE SAYS:

Nobody is ever as ready as they wish they were. Financially, emotionally, materially. But you get through it. If he's thinking about six-figure nest eggs, you're probably in much better shape than most people who muddle through.

More than that, there are always reasons not to get a family going (or to get married, take a new job, buy a house ...) but sometimes you just have to get past that.

He probably will come around on a baby -- but there's a big if.

That conditional revolves around whether he really wants to have a kid (or kids). Alana's right that you could probably cool your jets a bit. Don't pack a home pregnancy test in your honeymoon luggage.

But you still need to talk about kids. Make sure he really wants them someday. It's one of the biggest deal breakers, and people sometimes avoid it. See what he thinks is a good timeline, and if that's acceptable to you.

As long as both of you keep in mind that nothing is a hard deadline, and circumstances will change, you should be able to work it out.