Dear Double Take,

I have been married almost six years now. I love my husband very much and am trying to understand where he comes from sometimes.

We are having problems with some family issues right now. I am in the middle of a problem between my husband and my parents. My parents have told me they feel that he doesn't show his love or affection for me or my son. My mother and my husband have not gotten along for a long time. I am tired of hearing what one person has to say about the other person. I know my mother has done and said a lot of hurtful things about my husband. I feel like I am taking sides and I really don't like it. I have thought so many times about closing the doors on every one of them because it's too much stress for me.

I just wish they could talk about their issues and work them out so we can all get along. All I want is for them to work it out without me being involved.

How can I deal with this without getting hurt or hurting the ones I love?

ALANA SAYS:

So your parents and your hubby are badmouthing each other, and you're stuck in the middle. Well, sorry to say it, but that's probably right where you were doomed to be. And you're the only one who can make it stop.

You're trying very hard not to take sides here, but I'm wondering if that's a good idea. The issues between your husband and your parents sound like they're very much your concern. Do you think your husband shows proper affection for you and your son? If so, defend your husband, and tell your family to butt out.

But if you think your parents have a valid point, thank them for their comments and tell them you'll take it from here. Then talk to your husband about your concerns.

If the badmouthing doesn't stop with that, be firm. Tell both sides how much it upsets you to have to listen to the hurtful words, and that you don't want to hear it anymore. If they know how this is affecting you, chances are both sides will attempt to make it a little easier on you.

EDDIE SAYS:

When I was a teenager, my parents went through a divorce, and it was the kind where there was a pretty decent amount of fighting and a lot of disagreement about particulars, including money. And those arguments led to several, "You know, your mother is a..." and "Well if your father would just..." discussions.

Putting a person between two people (or parties) they love is just not fair. But most people don't realize they're doing it because we're all somewhat selfish and shortsighted. So if you're the one in the bad place, it's your responsibility to say, "Yo! Look at the position you're putting me in here. I can't agree with you, and I can't really be your comfort on this one, and you're making me sick, so you'll just have to shut up about this stuff when I'm around."

And it won't be an easy change for folks to make, which means that you'll probably have to cut folks off, Dr. Evil-style, when they start to drop into those old acid-tongued ways. Stick with it, and your parents will learn to find someone else to talk trash about your husband to (you've got siblings, right?).

Dear Double Take,

I am very interested in a certain man. He confides in me. I really enjoy his company. We can talk and talk about very personal things. But the problem is he wants to go very slowly. He's very private and very cautious on details.

He'll be telling me very personal things one minute and the other he acts so distant, like we are going to get caught. He can talk to me over the phone, but in person he acts really nervous, like someone is watching him.

He asks my opinion on many of his decisions but then closes me out in person. I catch him watching me, then he distances himself from me. I know he has been hurt very badly emotionally, and he keeps women at a distance now.

How can I get him to see I really care for him? He is always saying, "Stop rushing, slow down," and I shake my head. We are not doing anything wrong -- only talking. Can you tell me something?

EDDIE SAYS:

You can't talk about how you're "very interested" and be worried about the pace of things and then act like you're "only talking." I mean, if it were just talking, you would just say, "Man, what a freak! I don't need this."

But you must have some desire to be doing more than talking, or you and I (and Alana) wouldn't be here. Your wonderful but cautious man has probably picked up on that.

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Or ... "slow down" could just be his delicate way of saying, "I guess I am ready for a relationship, but I don't think I want it with you, and feel like I'm being sucked in, even though I really just want to be friends with you."

Maybe he's reading your vibes, and hoping that you'll decode his.

ALANA SAYS:

I, too, am curious about whether you've talked about your intentions with this man. You sound like you're pretty sure you want to get serious, but he's probably taking it one day at a time.

Eddie's right -- he's probably picking up on your more serious vibes and freaking out a little.

But maybe this discomfort you sense when you're with him in public isn't as big of a deal as you think. Maybe you just make him a little nervous because he's interested in you and doesn't quite know how to act. A little time will give you the reason.

Just be patient, and this will either blossom into something really great, or you'll learn if there's another reason for the weirdness.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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