Dear Double Take,

My husband and I have been together almost four years, married almost two ... and then came the Internet. He met someone online and had been staying up late at night and not coming to bed until late. I was hurt and upset. This went on for about eight months, and then I told him to leave.

She lives in Canada and we live in Indiana, she is married and a stay-at-home mom with two children (we have none), but she is separated and her husband pays all of her bills.

My husband moved in with his mother, but I made him an offer and told him to stay with me for six months to try to make it work. I said that one day he might thank me for saving him from making the biggest mistake of his life. I told him he owed it to us.

He told me he didn't think he could do it. He has been to Canada three times, maybe more. Was I wrong to ask this of him? I still love him and always have, and don't want a divorce. Please help me.

EDDIE SAYS:

You were absolutely right to ask him to give it another shot, especially if you really are one of the strong people who would be able to forgive this type of betrayal.

But, if he's decided that what he wants from life is someone else -- and her ready-made broken family -- then he's also doing the right thing by not coming back. If he's sure that he wants that other life north of the border, then there's no point in him coming back, circling a date on the calendar half a year away, counting the days, and sneaking calls (and e-mails). That wouldn't do either one of you any good.

The best thing to do is just to let him go live in his crowded mother's house, and be glad that you don't have kids together. I know that what you're hearing me say is, "What you should do is give up, cut a chunk out of your heart and try to find a new life." Easy for me to say. But if he's not willing to try, you'll just waste away trying to bring him back.

As an aside ... it sounds like you partly blame the Internet for this situation. That's misplaced. Would you blame the phone if he was calling someone in the neighborhood? The gym if he met someone while working out? The automobile if he was driving across town? Your problem isn't the tools he was using, it's the fact that he is a tool.

SURVEY Would you ever be able to forgive your spouse if he/she had an affair? No way. Probably not. Perhaps, with enough time. Yes, if he/she was genuinely sorry. Results | Disclaimer

So your husband gets involved with another woman, is still involved with her, and yet you're a big enough person to try to work things out? I have to say, I don't think I could have done that.

But your husband has given up on you. He has moved on, and isn't looking back. You don't need that -- hanging on and putting more effort toward this dead-end relationship will only hurt you more.

This might be a huge mistake for him, and maybe someday he'll realize that -- but you can't force it on him now. He has made his decision.

Good riddance to him -- and you work on putting your life back together without him around.

Dear Double Take:

I'm in love with my friend's husband. They are separated. (She kicked him out for the third and, she says, final time). I've known this man since we were 8 and in second grade. We grew up and were never real close, but we were friends.

His wife and I met years after they first dated. Her second marriage and two children were falling apart. My friend had also moved back to town after his second marriage failed. We all met again, and he asked her out. I was devasted because weeks before that he would visit me at my work, hang out, and we'd laugh and joke about high school days. His wife and I are nothing alike, but we became friends when my brother dated her sister. So knowing her, I stepped back and let them date.

Next thing I knew, they got married. I was hurt, but I survived. It didn't last long; they fought all the time and she kicked him out repeatedly. She talks down to him and verbally abuses this man. He loves her and he takes it. And I'm not just saying that; all our friends know this. I felt really bad for him; she was just using him for financial reasons and she told me that herself.

So now they are separated and I finally got the guts to tell him how I've felt all this time. He didn't do anything at first, I think I scared him away. But this last time they broke up, he called me and we talked -- it was good. He finally has his blinders off to who she really is.

So what's the problem? She and her sister are my friends and when they find out that he and I are talking and getting closer, I don't know what they will do. He is filing for divorce and I will not cross any lines with him until it's legal. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here. Part of me feels guilty, but then I think -- she gave him up.

What makes things harder is we are now co-workers and everyone at work knows he's married and we're suddenly hanging out close at work. People are talking ... and I believe this is what is bothering me the most. I don't want to tell this story to strangers at work. I just want someone who's not close to me to give an opinion.

ALANA SAYS:

Ah, the tangled webs we weave. However, it sounds like you've finally gotten what you want -- so what's the problem, really?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

If I were you, I'd take this really, really slowly. If out of three marriages, none have stuck, there's something else going on. Maybe you need to take off your own blinders and see what he's really about.

As far as what your co-workers think -- who cares? They don't know the real story, and it's none of their business. And I'm afraid you'll have to bid farewell to his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her sister. I seriously doubt you can manage to salvage a friendship with either of them once you start dating this guy.

Good luck, and be careful.

EDDIE SAYS:

Man, Alana's sharp. There's something going on with this guy. And he also chose a woman who would be going into her third marriage. You don't mention anything about your past since second grade, but it makes me wonder if this isn't one whole tight little subcommunity of marrying and divorcing and working in one or two places -- which just generally creates chaos.

But if you think that your love is so pure and special that it'll overcome everything else, then it must be worth giving up the friendship of these women. And why is it that you want to be friends with someone who admits to using a man for money (but then isn't smart enough to at least be nice enough to him to keep him around)?

You know what? Just thinking about this whole thing makes me feel dirty. I very much get the impression you just want us to tell you that because you really, really love him it will all be OK, but this whole thing is so shady that we're just going to have to let you make your own mistakes.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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• How Close Is Too Close?
• To Commit Or Quit?
• Axing The Exes
• Live-In Leaves Her
• You Can't Force Relationships
• How Much Is Enough?
• This One's A Nail-Biter
• Dog-Gone Women!
• More Space, Please
• Cold Shoulders, Icy Beds
• Will My Man Ever Change?
• A Hex On His Ex!
• Two Heads Are Better Than One