LifeWhile - Double Take: Translating Mixed Signals

Double Take: Translating Mixed Signals

Updated: 8:48 a.m. EDT September 2, 2003

Dear Double Take,
I was recently dating someone for a few months and everything was great about her -- we had the same interests, and I just loved her company and everything about her. However, she decided to end it while we were out at a bar and having a great time. For the past two months, we have gotten together to hang out. We act like we are still dating -- holding hands, slow dancing, kissing, "I miss you."

I'm confused about how to ask her if we are just friends or taking it slow. I still have feelings for her and miss her so much. However, if she is dating somone else, how can she still do things with me and still be affectionate? Do I even ask her if she is dating others? I'm not. Is this a game, or does she still have feelings for me? Is she just as confused as I am?

EDDIE SAYS:

Sounds like she didn't do much of a job ending things, if nothing changed.

Here's one odd possibility that pops to mind, since you were having a "great time" at a place that sells alcohol ... maybe she doesn't know she broke up with you! Or maybe she was making a joke, maybe it was loud and her drink was settling and she said "I want to shake it up!"

Wouldn't you feel like a goofball if that were the case, and things didn't work out because you couldn't screw up the courage to just ask her where things are?

But it really doesn't matter what she said then, or if she meant it. At the very least, she's been giving mixed signals, and you've been patient. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, we should have a talk. What are your feelings about me?"

In fact, if you ask that way, she can say, "Still just friends," or "I'm so happy with our relationship," or "When are you getting me a ring?" Then you'll know where you stand.

ALANA SAYS:

A girl's guilt can be a funny thing.

If I went out with a guy and really liked him but decided he wasn't quite my type, I'd feel guilty if I didn't tell him how I felt. Nobody wants to be accused of leading someone on.

But after I gently break the news, I'd be free to act however I want with this guy because, hey, I already told him the truth.

So here's my theory: She's not sure she wants a relationship with you, but her conscience is free because she "broke up" with you -- despite all the smooching you've been doing together. She feels like she's home free because she's technically not committed to you.

Is that sleazy? Yeah, it is. But I'm telling you ... girls can rationalize almost anything.

You need to ask her what's up. If she did break up with you, yet is still "dating" you, there's definitely something unclear here. Maybe she is dating others. Maybe she likes you as a friend and is comfortable flirting with you, but doesn't really have any serious intentions. Whatever the case, it sounds like she's willing to be honest if you ask her.

Dear Double Take,

I am supposed to be moving halfway across the country soon to be with my boyfriend. We have been together a little over a year. I am feeling very apprehensive about this because of our rocky past. He is a recovering drug addict and has been abusive at times in the past, although it has been when he was doing drugs. I have never done any type of illegal substance and am very against it.

Also, he is married and was supposed to have filed for divorce several times now. He keeps saying that he is going to, but has not done it. Money is not an issue in that regard.

I went to visit him to see what it was like there and see how he is living now. He has cleaned up and is a very successful salesman. It is apparent how much healthier he is, too. However, due to the past, I am scared to take the jump and move out there because if things do go badly, I would not have the funds to move back home and may end up stuck in a bad situation. Also, his family is there and I have met them once, but I would not know anyone except for him.

I would like to talk to him about this, but do not know how to approach the situation. Also, I want to make sure that I am taking all things into consideration. I do love him, but don't want to make the wrong decision.


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ALANA SAYS:

Uprooting yourself for someone else is a huge step -- many married couples even have trouble deciding whether they'll move because one has an opportunity elsewhere.

So for you to completely rearrange your life for your boyfriend would be a tough decision even if you were in a rock-solid relationship ... which you are definitely not. Your boyfriend's history of drugs and abuse -- not to mention the marriage thing -- should be plenty of ammunition for the "cons" column of your list.

You were encouraged by what you saw in your brief visit, but were you really seeing his lifestyle, or just what he wanted you to see? And how about that divorce -- how's that going?

Your apprehension speaks volumes toward the obvious decision here. To move closer to your boyfriend while he's struggling to find his own path would be disastrous.

Tell him now isn't the time for you to move. In another six months or year, you can re-evaluate the situation ... if you're still putting up with him.

EDDIE SAYS:

You probably went out there, saw where he works, checked out some restaurants, maybe got an idea of where the good neighborhoods are. But I bet you forgot to look for something:

In-patient mental health centers. Because if you move to be with this guy, you're crazy.

You're not his girlfriend; most people think that means someone you're dating or attached, who knows where it will go? You're his mistress. The woman on the side. A little bit of candy he keeps around for after the meal. I know you want to think it's more than that, but it probably isn't.

You wrote because you're confused, and yet you couldn't come up with a single positive thing to say about him or your relationship -- him being able to pass for clean and calm for a couple days doesn't count.

If you move, ask your friends for prepaid calling cards as a going away present; you'll need them to call home and tell them how miserable you are.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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