I've decided to become a wizard.
I'm going to get myself a magic wand, a long flowing cape and a pointy hat, and I'm going to start practicing witchcraft, sorcery and other evil, demonic things.
I had no choice in the matter. It's all because I read the first three Harry Potter books.
Before that, I was a nice person. I stopped for pedestrians in crosswalks and pulled over for ambulances and fire trucks. I paid my bills on time (mostly) and recycled my glass and aluminum (mostly). I remembered my family on birthdays and at Christmas. Sometimes I went to church.
But ever since I read those damn Harry Potter books, I've changed. For the worse.
Now I snarl at sales clerks and drive straight for little old ladies hobbling across the street. I throw gum wrappers out the car window and sometimes skip washing my hair for a day. And don't even get me started on writing thank-you notes and yielding the right-of-way. As if.
Now that I'm an inherently evil, mean, nasty bitch, the only career path open to me, apparently, is wizard.
I've come to this decision with the help of a group that calls itself Freedom Village USA.
This extraordinarily helpful group, on its Web site, warns of the terrible dangers of allowing children to read J.K. Rowling's phenomenally popular Harry Potter books in schools.
Since my mind boggles and words fail me (a rare occurrence), I'll let them tell you why:
"Hidden in the slickly written and so-called 'rollicking good reading' pages of the Harry Potter books is a very dangerous main theme. Harry, a nerdy, family-less, abused, unhappy 11-year-old kid, discovers he is actually a powerful wizard and leaves his adoptive home to attend a school of witchcraft and wizardry. Here he finds new life, success, friendship and that he has great powers (wizardry) within him that be can use to gain victory and respect in his life.
"To suggest to any child (especially underprivileged ones like Harry) that there is a way to escape the unhappy, real-life world they live in and retreat into a mystical fantasy world to find happiness is totally irresponsible and deceitful. To then suggest that the world of the occult (witchcraft) can be the power that can make it all happen is in fact evil and ultimately a lie."
Do tell. Let's summarize that bit: Imagination is bad. Children who are unhappy should just put up or shut up.
But wait -- Freedom Village has more to say on the subject:
"We are told that the theme of the books is to help kids to discover truths about bravery, loyalty, choice and the power of love. While there may be some truths told about human nature, the vast majority of what is put forth in these books are lies and deceptive half-truths. The books' main theme is supposed to be the fun of 'fantasy' and the world of 'imagination.' But the underlying theme that reoccurs (sic) throughout all three books is that the occult world (witchcraft/wizardry, etc.) is being presented as perfectly acceptable and harmless for children.
"The truth is that the world of witchcraft is not fantasy and it is not fun ... it is very real and it is not a happy world. It is in fact a world of fear, suspicion, competition (for self-gain) and disrespect for authority. Also witchcraft is a bona fide, tax-exempt 'religion' in this country with an agenda contrary to every moral Judeo-Christian fiber that built this nation and should not be OK'd reading in our schools."
Of course, the site continues in this vein, ad nauseum. (Have you ever noticed that the longer you let these people spout their sanctimony, the less sense they make?)
OK, I lied. I'm not really going to become a wizard, because then I'd have to give up this cushy gig as a columnist. I'm not an idiot (though I'm sure a lot of you are even now leaping head-first into your e-mail programs to tell me that, on the contrary, I am not only an idiot, but also condemned for all eternity to burn in the fiery pit of hell. Or something like that).
But I'm getting tired of news stories about various right-wing groups and their indignant demands that the Harry Potter books be removed immediately from school libraries and the hands of our impressionable children.
Yup. Kids are impressionable. They also have imaginations that need to be challenged and developed. Rowling's books -- the fourth of which is due to be released next month -- are ideal for that purpose.
Let's be clear about it: The Harry Potter books do, in fact, deal with a little boy who finds out that he's a wizard and his adventures when he begins studying wizardry. Characters in the books cast spells; some of them -- adults, even -- are evil characters; some of them are flawed.
The books are fantasies. Don't understand that word? Look it up.
Perhaps what the anti-Harry factions are most frightened of is that their children will read books like Rowling's, develop their own imaginations -- and learn to make up their own minds -- and reject the fanatical teachings of those who would like to decide what every child should and shouldn't read, based on their own narrow beliefs.
Fortunately, in the midst of all the Harry-Potter-is-evil hysteria that's sprung up in the last year or so -- at last count, Rowling's books have been challenged in at least 13 states -- clearer heads seem to be prevailing.
One example is the "Muggles for Harry Potter" group, which is dedicated to keeping Rowling's books available in schools and libraries around the U.S. Among the groups involved in Muggles for Harry Potter: the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the Association of American Publishers, the Association of Booksellers for Children, the Children's Book Council, the Freedom to Read Foundation, the National Coalition Against Censorship, the National Council of Teachers of English, the PEN American Center and the People for the American Way Foundation.
The group explains its purpose on its Web site:
"Muggles for Harry Potter are people who believe that it is wrong to ban the use of great books -- like those about Harry Potter -- in classrooms and school libraries because some parents object to their content.
"Some people are offended by the fact that Harry and his friends use witchcraft. Others believe the books are too violent.
"But restricting the use of books that kids want to read violates their First Amendment rights and helps produce an illiterate society."
Precisely. Just like, I'd venture to say, many of their parents.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going shopping for a Nimbus Two Thousand. I understand that every aspiring wizard needs one.
Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears every Wednesday in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.
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