I'm one of the seven people in the universe who hasn't been glued to "Survivor" on Wednesday nights this summer.

Yes, I know. Shocking, isn't it? How could anyone fail to be riveted by a deliberate, calculated, manipulative attempt to make every viewer feel superior to the poor sap who gets kicked off the stupid island every week?

Basically, it's just like high school again. You might not have been part of the anointed group -- the athletes, the cheerleaders, the party kids -- but as long as there was someone below you in the pecking order, you weren't total scum.

Go ahead, admit it. I won't tell anyone. Promise.

(A friend pointed out to me last week that all of life is really too much like high school for comfort. But that's such a depressing thought that I'm trying to put it out of my mind.)

The only good thing to come out of the whole "Survivor" thing, as far as I'm concerned, is TV Guide's recent poll in which readers were asked which celebrities should be kicked off the island in a theoretical celeb grudge match. (Full Story)

And I heartily applaud the readers' No. 1 choice: Kathie Lee Gifford, who makes my teeth hurt progressively more every year.

The only problem with the TV Guide poll was that it didn't go far enough. Island? Hell, kick 'em clear off the planet, I say.

I am here to remedy that oversight. When it comes to bitterness and venom, you know you can always count on me.

Here's a list, in no particular order, of the 10 celebrities whom I'd like to see kicked off the planet. Permanently.

• Jim Carrey. Yeah, OK. We get it. You love outrageous physical comedy. You embrace scripts that call for you to talk out of your rear end. You were so into playing Andy Kaufman that those around you thought you had actually become him.

  Get over yourself. I've got two words for you: Jerry Lewis. Someday you'll probably be revered in France. Move there. Tomorrow, OK?

• Kathie Lee Gifford. I know. I already mentioned her. If I could kick her off the planet twice, I would.

  Please, please stop telling us how much you love your philandering-but-repentant fossil of a husband. We wish to hear no more about your children, those paragons, who are going to grow up to be just like you, God help them.

• Regis Philbin. Sometime last year, Regis sold his soul to Satan. There can be no other explanation for any of his overwhelming popularity. It's just too depressing to dwell on.

  

• David Duchovny. This is the only person on this list whom I'd be willing to boot from the planet on a temporary rather than a permanent basis. Yes, he's arrogant, he's demanding, he's conceited ... but he's also filthy cute. Clean up your act, Mulder, and we'll let you back in. Maybe.

• Bill Gates. Bill will get no such temporary visa. Everyone hates him. Have you ever heard one person say, "You know, that Bill Gates is really a great guy"? Of course not. It's because he's a nerd with money. Not as much as he used to have, of course, but ...

  Buh-bye, Bill.

  

• Britney Spears. Sudden growth spurt, indeed. To their credit, I'm sure that the same vast number of people with no musical taste who are buying her albums are not buying the sudden-growth-spurt story.

• Donald Trump. It wouldn't be so bad, really, if he weren't so unpleasant to look at. His lips give me the creeps. So does his hair. So does his firmly entrenched stratospheric opinion of himself.

• Tonya Harding. Ah, Tonya: the poster child for Spam-sucking trailer trash. And she even lives in a trailer. What's more, when she finds herself in the news, it's for a totally redneck reason: bonking her boyfriend with a hubcap, for God's sake. Could it get more perfect?

  On second thought, let's let Tonya stay. She's got some value for entertainment purposes, if nothing else.

  

• Calista Flockhart. It's beyond me why I still watch "Ally McBeal." Whenever the sticklike Calista lurches into view and starts whining, I feel physically ill. I'm forced to cover my eyes until Ling or the Biscuit reappears.

• Michael Jackson. My new best friend helped me come up with this one. (Thanks, Kip. Go change your shirt.)

  Actually, this should have been an obvious choice. I can't think why it didn't occur to me right away. The guy's gone so far beyond weird that he's become firmly entrenched in Parody Land. (Michael, not Kip.)

Anyway. Those are my choices. Anyone got a problem with 'em? Additions to the list? Let me know.

• Past Culture Shocked columns

Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears every Wednesday in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.

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