The Food Police, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Fun Police mentioned in my previous column, are at it again. This time, they've crossed the line and drawn my ire by going after that most sacred of foodstuffs: pizza.

Not content to spoil our trips through the Burger King or McDonald's drive-throughs with their screeching tirades against everything from fries to shakes, they're now putting Pizza Hut and Papa John's up against the wall of nutritional correctness and pumping them full of 100 percent soy bullets.

According to their recent press conference, one slice of Pizza Hut's Big New Yorker pizza with sausage (a personal favorite) contains as many calories and fat as a Big Mac. CSPI likes the Big Mac. They compare just about everything to it. Apparently, in fast-food hell, there's a huge, demon-possessed concoction of gray meat patties and special sauce on the black throne.

Now, here's the big question: Do you care? Be honest with yourself, you know darned good and well that that slice of Papa John's six-cheese pizza isn't going to lead to thinner thighs and six-pack abs. That's not why you eat it. You eat it because, on this planet, there is nothing that gives quite the same sense of sensual satisfaction as that wad of gooey, faintly toasty cheese and sauce.

With the sneering ivory tower attitude that I think CSPI must have patented, they insult the statistics provided by the pizza chains, claiming they can't be accurate because "it's an 18-year-old sprinkling on the shredded cheese and green peppers." Goodness, then! I guess we'd better rely wholly on the statistics provided by a group of nabobs who've shown themselves to be dedicated to depriving us of every bit of edible food in the pantry.

Here's a clue, folks: Whenever anyone tells you they're doing anything "in the public interest," hold on to your wallet with one hand and your beliefs with the other. They're after one of them.

Let's look at some of the recent likes and dislikes posted by CSPI. They call TGIFriday's potato skins "food porn," while they gush all over Boca Burgers, those "healthy" meatless patties that look and taste like something the "Survivor" castaways would be provided as a staple food. They consign to Hades Denny's Signature Skillets, while embracing Health is Wealth Tofu Munchees. (I'm not making that name up.) In fact, I notice that Health is Wealth appears a few times on their list of "approved" foods. Hmmmm. Oh, and did I mention that CSPI is a long-time proponent of extra taxes being placed on high-calorie foods? And who might be tapped to decide which foods get the tax? Got a good, firm grip on that wallet?

Yes, yes, I hear you all out there. The detrimental effects of a diet too high in fat or too heavy on the sugar will send me to an early grave in an extra-large casket. That brick of Brie is still going to be melting on my tongue as my ticker seizes up and I shuffle off this mortal coil. Know what? I don't care.

I eat my veggies, and have even been known to enjoy a tofu smoothie on occasion. I, like most of you, have an appreciation for food that doesn't lend itself to too much in the way of outside rules. We are omnivores, and equipped with a mind capable of allowing us to make our own choices. We don't need a bunch of self-righteous Birkenstock commandos raiding our pantries and making sure they're "safe."

For more info, check out www.cspinot.com.

OK. Off the soap box and on with the fun.

Can You Hum A Few Bars?

James Kellaris is probably a fun guy to hang out with; or he might be the most annoying person you've ever met. It all hinges on how you view his job.

Jim, you see, is trying to find out why certain songs get stuck in people's heads. He's figured out so far that it's a combination of of simplicity and syncopation that causes things like the chorus of "Louie, Louie" to get lodged in our brains so firmly that they block out everything, including our ability to remember our names and addresses.

Walk the streets of Cincinnati, Jim's hometown, and you'll see his test subjects: poor lost souls, wandering block to block, trying to remember where they live while humming "The Brady Bunch" theme song incessantly.

On a side note, if I don't get that "Where the cheese go?" Pizza Hut jingle out of my skull soon, I'll be out there with them, wandering and drooling.

Incidentally, should you have a song stuck so firmly in your head that repeated blows from a hammer cannot dislodge it, try the Universal Anti-Song, otherwise known as "Maneh Maneh," from "Sesame Street." You can find the lyrics, such as they are, right here.

Urban Legend Of The Week

Once again this week, what I have for you is not so much an Urban Legend as an e-mail hoax, but given the especially nefarious nature of this one, I felt it warranted coverage.

One of the most popular e-mail scams is the one that offers a huge payout if the reader will simply put up some of his or her own money to help get the dough out of a foreign country. The latest version, the one which prompted this, is ostensibly from a soldier in Afghanistan, who's supposedly found millions in Taliban drug money and needs you, yes you, right there, at the keyboard, to help him get it out of the country.

It's a scam like all the rest, but plays on the post-Sept. 11 popularity of and high opinion of members of the military to suck a few more drops of credibility. Delete it. Block the sender.

So, what's your favorite "bad" food? Got a truly bizarre and fat-laden recipe you'd like to share? Send it along and you might see it in an upcoming column!

Previous Stories:

• May 17, 2002: Don't 'Bee' Cruel
• May 10, 2002: The Weird Road Trip
• May 3, 2002: The Wild, Wild Web
• April 26, 2002: The Weird Is In Here
• April 19, 2002: The Weird Mating Game
• April 12, 2002: What's Wrong With The Food?
• March 29, 2002: We're Eating More Peeps!
• March 22, 2002: To Love, Honor And Get Weird
• March 15, 2002: Free Alton! Save Martha!