I've been perusing the weird wires, and it seems that there's an epidemic of folks who are just not paying attention out there. Now, I'm not talking about your simple "black sock/blue sock" sort of error; these are MAJOR. Raise a hearty glass of gingko biloba to the following people:

Dead Or Alive?

A funeral director in Ashland, Mass., was surprised when, while waiting for the county coroner to arrive, he heard gurgling coming from a body bag. The occupant of the bag, a 39-year-old woman, had earlier been thought to have caught the celestial elevator by police officers called to her home on a noise complaint. Perhaps it should have been a "lack of" noise complaint. The undertaker is no doubt currently considering a career as an extra on "Buffy."

Alive Or Dead?

The Birmingham(Ala.)Mercury brings us the story of George Turklebaum, dedicated proofreader at a New York publishing house. One Saturday, an office cleaner approached George, intending to commiserate with him on the ignominy of having to work weekends. To his surprise (and conversational disappointment), he discovered that George had gone to that big bookstore in the sky. Further investigation revealed that George had, in fact, been a member of the editorial staff in Hades since the preceding Monday.

George's boss commented that George was always the first one at work, and usually the last to leave, and was such a dedicated worker that no one noticed that he had become completely uncommunicative.

You might want to give your co-workers a nudge or a pat on the head occasionally, just to check.

This One's On The House

According to The Associated Press, a wrecking crew in Texarkana, Ark., was sent to demolish a house, but knocked down the wrong one. The description that they'd been given said that the house was covered by trees, so when they found a house that fit the description on the street where they had been sent, they started whacking away. It wasn't until they were finished that someone realized that the correct house sat directly across the street from the one that had just been reduced to rubble. I'm trimming all my trees this weekend, just to be safe.

Watch Your Head!

A Philadelphia man barely cheated death on the job when he got in front of the wrong end of a nail gun. Charlie Scarpa, a construction worker, got a 3-inch-nail through his skull when a co-worker accidentally bumped a nail gun, causing it to discharge. After the nail had been removed and it was revealed that he had suffered no permanent damage, Charlie remarked that he might invest in a lottery ticket while his luck was running. Where he'll really need the luck is at the insurance agent's office, when he files his claim.

Blazing A Trail

An erstwhile burglar in Winona, Minn., thought he'd pulled off the perfect crime. He broke into a residence in the small town and made off with a safe. Instead of using a car, which might be traced, he rode a bike. Investigating officers, sent to track the thief, sent the bloodhounds home when they noticed the bicycle tracks in the fresh snow outside the house. At occasional spots along the trail, they found a deep, square impression where the master criminal had apparently set down the safe for a short rest before continuing his stealthy escape.

The cops followed the trail to the back yard of a house, where they found the bike, the safe and the perpetrator. The bike, it turns out, had also been reported as stolen.

Why don't we ever get cases like this when I get called for jury duty?

Urban Legend Of The Week

You can stop cleaning out the pantry -- canola oil will NOT kill you. In a recent flurry of e-mails, some of which ended up here in the sprawling Weird Chronicles offices, there have been claims made linking canola oil to everything from hair loss to premature aging and death. You see, it's all a Canadian plot to foist off their unfit agricultural products on unsuspecting U.S. consumers, according to one mailing.

This is completely untrue. Canola oil is perfectly safe, and is even better for you than a lot of other commonly used cooking oils. I, personally, pour a cup or two over my corn flakes every morning.

That's it for this edition of the Weird Chronicles. As always, if it's weird, it's here. Now get out there and pay attention!

J. Scott Wilson rounds up bizarre news items weekly. Drop him a line at jswilson@ibsys.com.