Was XFL Just The Start?

McMahon Must Have More Plans For New World Order

Patrick Donnelly, Staff Writer
March 14, 2001, 9:57 p.m. EST

Sideline strippers, bloated governors and bad football don't appear to be the recipe for success for Vince McMahon's XFL. The NBC peacock's beet-red face is peeking out from among its colorful tailfeathers, and it now appears that no amount of tinkering with the rules can save this disaster of a football league.

But fear not, good people. McMahon's got his finger on the pulse of the nation's drooling, hormone-blinded adolescents and disenfranchised angry white males, and you can bet your last can of cheap domestic light beer that he's got a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Why, just the other day a mole contacted me from deep within WWF headquarters -- sure, it's just a double-wide trailer parked in a rest stop off a backwoods interstate, but it's still HQ to Vince -- and based on the information he gave me, there are a few more "legitimate sports initiatives" you have to look forward to in McMahon's never-ending attempt to bring a new world order to a world that didn't know it needed reordering. Rest assured, if your truck sports a decal of Calvin urinating on the logo of your rival car company, Vince has a league for you.

Baseball
Tired of hearing all those pencil-necked baseball elitists whining about too many home runs and not enough pitching in the major leagues? We've got the answer for you. In "Vince McMahon's Ultimate BaseBrawl©" you'll see nothing but offense, offense, offense!

See Bob Costas cry for his mommy! Watch George Will choke on his bowtie! We'll have more hits than the Beatles and more runs than Wal-Mart panty hose.

You've heard of MLB's problems with juiced baseballs? Not a problem in Ultimate BaseBrawl©. Our balls will feature a titanium core. They'll be more juiced than Mark Chmura at a teen kegger. When one of our hitters makes contact with his league-issued bat (a patented alloy of aluminum and uranium) the ball will rocket toward the fence, or maybe the pitcher's face, we don't really know for sure. That's part of the thrill of Ultimate BaseBrawl©!

Not that the pitcher will be totally defenseless. "We'll definitely find some advantage for the guy on the hill," says Ultimate BaseBrawl© commissioner John Rocker. "For example, we're going to outlaw the intentional walk. If a pitcher wants to put a batter on base, he'll have to do it the old-fashioned way -- by hitting him in the melon."

Look for wrestling-type "storylines" to develop during the season, such as the affair between Jacksonville Jackass player/manager Albert Belle and Chyna of the WWF, and the ongoing feud between Sacramento Stormtrooper owner Marge Schott and manager Bobby Valentine.

Throw in one league-mandated bench-clearing brawl per game, weekly appearances by Morganna the Kissing Bandit and the technological innovation of the century -- Catcher's Cup Cam -- and you'll never want to watch that stodgy old Yankees-Red Sox rivalry again.

Basketball
"The NBA's got it all wrong," says Dennis Rodman. "They try to take the focus off the rampant drug use, liberal sexual attitudes and sense of entitlement of their star players, when actually they should be celebrating those factors. Because the players have more in common with the average American than we care to admit."

Rodman clearly relishes his role as the Minister of Badness for the fledgling NBT&A (A Vince McMahon Production)©. "The letters 'NBT&A' don't stand for anything in particular," says McMahon. "It's more about the attitude that we're promoting. It will be all about family.

"For example," McMahon continues, "our cheerleaders will have their breast enhancements done by family physicians. We're even working on some co-branding with the Surgery Channel to televise a breast augmentation procedure of one of our cheerleaders. We're all about education."

Rodman will conduct a preseason tour with a few of the league's star attractions -- J.R. Rider, Derrick Coleman, Shawn Kemp -- visiting church groups, elementary schools and casinos to drum up interest in the NBT&A (A Vince McMahon Production)©. Also, McMahon and talent scouts Bob Knight and Larry Flynt will scour the nation's playgrounds, rehab centers and strip clubs in search of the untapped talent that the NBA continues to miss.

Finally, the league will fly in some of Europe's most notorious soccer hooligans to conduct instructional clinics on fan violence.

McMahon notes that the league will have a stringent drug-testing policy. "We'll test our players weekly, and if we find that they're not using illicit drugs, we'll set up an intervention, hook them up with the beeper numbers of noted dealers in their area and get them back on the right path."

Other Sports
The mole was able to uncover sketchy details on a few other McMahon initiatives, most notably the Women's World Topless Tennis Association, Xtreme Golf and Full-Contact Midget Tossing. There don't appear to be any plans to create an auto racing circuit to challenge NASCAR at this time.

5. Hakeem Olajuwon -- Tough way to end a career, if it's true. The guy was a warrior, but he still should have gotten a body on Lorenzo Charles.
4. Doug Flutie -- After two years of dealing with Rob Johnson's fragile ego, filling Ryan Leaf's shoes will be a cinch..
3. Chuck Knoblauch -- Instant karma's gonna get you ...
2. Geno Auriemma -- Has to face NCAAs without Ralph or Abrosimova, but at least he's in the tourney, right Jim Calhoun?
1. Mike Davis -- This guy makes it easy to cheer for Indiana -- never thought I would write that.

Previous Donnelly Columns:
Alma Matters To This Alum
The Super Bowl Diaries
NCAA Needs 'Holiday Hysteria'
Agent Of Change
Staring Down A Saints-Steelers Super Bowl?
Old Friends Renew Acquaintances
Only One Debate Really Matters ...
I Confess: I'm The Man Behind The Curtain!
Knight: Alpha Male, Phi Beta Kappa Jerk
Devil Rays Give Baseball A Black Eye
Too Much Tiger?
Ranting On Dennis Miller

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